Page 25 of Guarded By the Vodnik

I would have died, but the beating he gave me turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The violent blows loosened the ropes, and after a few desperate, sluggish attempts, I was able to crawl out of them.

When I made it outside and into the water, I knew I would live. The first breath through my gills was the purest relief, and the way the cool water soothed my cracked, beaten flesh comforted me like the most loving caress.

Mother.

I lived on my own for some time after that, using all the skills my grandfather beat into me to survive. When I was nine, I made my way into Yeseera and asked to be allowed to attend school. Trying to integrate into society was a form of rebellion against my grandfather, who was still lodged deep under my scales.

When I was fourteen, I sought him out only to find his dead body trapped in one of his remote huts in the deepest parts of the lake. I hauled him out of there, up to the house on Isle Royale, and left him on land to rot and be dragged by wolves.

He didn’t deserve the sanctity of a grave in the deep, nor for his body to be composted into a fertilizer for shanta.

Now, I breathed through my gills, letting the water envelop me whole. It wasn’t the same as sinking deep in the lake, but it worked. Relief seeped slowly into my buzzing, aching limbs, and the gaping wounds inside me dulled to a low throbbing.

And yet, the sharp, acute pain in my heart didn’t lessen. It was grief for the childhood I hadn’t had. I thought it was normal that I didn’t get any warmth after my mother died—it was just the way it was, and my grandfather always said I should be grateful he took me in, because otherwise, I would have ended up in the system.

But listening to Zoe, I suddenly beheld a different possibility. Maybe orphaned children could get those crumbs of warmth, too. Maybe it could have been different.

I emerged with a growl, splashing water onto the tiles. I was forty, for fuck’s sake. It was time to let go of the past, yet no matter how hard I tried, the past wouldn’t let go of me.

It took me an hour to bring myself more or less to normal, though I was still raw and shaken. Fury buzzed under my scales, alive and vicious, but I felt guilty, too.

The hurt in Zoe’s green eyes when I screamed at her was like a thorn lodged in my gut. I wasn’t sure how to go about it, but I knew one thing. I wanted her forgiveness.

When I came out, resigned to offer my apologies to her closed door, she surprised me by smiling as soon as she saw me.

She sat on the couch, her legs folded, and didn’t seem to be doing anything. The TV was off, and there was no book in her hand. I wondered if she’d waited for me, and it made me feel strangely hot.

“How are you feeling?” she asked when I froze in the doorway, unsure what to do.

My plan hadn’t even taken into account the possibility that she might be friendly like this. In my experience, it took much less to offend a woman than what I just did. I knew. I’d tried dating in my late teens and it was a disaster. Vodnik girls hated me because I wouldn’t talk as much as they wanted or let them touch me in certain settings or circumstances. I grew accustomed to the idea I wasn’t made for relationships.

“Better,” I said, watching her intently to understand what was going on.

She nodded, her smile still bright and kind. “I’m glad. It seemed like something very serious happened, to make you lash out like that. What do you need now? Food? A nap? Something to take your mind off things?”

“What are you doing?” I asked instead of answering her questions, which baffled me infinitely.

I had never considered I might take a nap after a breakdown. What I’d just done was a sign of weakness. I didn’t deserve comfort or a treat, I just had to get myself together and be tougher the next time around.

And how did that strategy work out for you until now?

I ignored the small, inquisitive voice in my head, because Zoe answered my question, still smiling with patience.

“Trying to offer you comfort after a difficult experience,” she said easily, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I screamed at you,” I said, confused.

For a moment, I was angry. Was she playing some kind of weird game? Was this a trick? Yet I couldn’t see what sort of game that would be. What would she even achieve? I had no idea.

Zoe sighed and nodded, her smile growing fainter. “Yes, you did, and I didn’t like it. I’d feel better if you apologized, but I know enough not to take it too personally.”

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out at once. “I really am. I apologize. That’s why I came out.”

Her smile brightened until she grinned at me with her cute teeth, her eyes sparkling with pleasure. She bounded off the couch and dashed to my side, stopping just in front of me. Her smile softened as she looked up, offering me her hand.

“Handshake? I’d hug you, but I’m not sure you’d be comfortable with that, so…”

“I would,” my mouth said before my brain had time to process what it meant.

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