Page 82 of Disturbed Lucidity

Taking a step back, she lightly touched her lips. A puzzled expression crossed her face, almost as if she were unsure what to do next. I could clearly see the indecision, worry, and confusion marring her face. She was close to the edge again and this time it was because of me.

“Why did you do that?” she whispered, taking another step back, putting distance between us. I didn’t like that. I hated that she felt she needed to dissociate herself from me. That was the last thing I ever wanted. I was only trying to show her something new and, in turn, made everything worse. I told Logic I wasn’t good at relationship shit and this just proved it.

She stood stiffly, her body rigid.

“Ivy, talk to me.”

Shaking her head, she backed away, refusing to say another word and stormed out of the room.

Moments later, I heard the metal door of my playroom slam shut.

“Luc,” I vaguely heard Logic say my name before I grabbed a chair and threw it across the room and watched it slam into the stereo system, cutting the fucking music.

I was done with this shit.

I was done pretending to be someone I wasn’t.

Turning to Logic, I sneered, “Fuck this shit. It’s not working.”

“Yes, it is. You have to give it time.” He guarded his words carefully. “She is like a small child in a lot of ways. She never experienced life like we did. She grew up in a house of pain. That’s all she knows. Showing her new experiences isn’t a bad thing, Luc. It will show her that there is more to this life.”

“It’s confusing the fuck out of her!”

“I hate to say this, but I agree with Luc,” Slash spoke up. “While I still agree she needs help, Ivy needs to be able to live her life as she wants and not what society deems acceptable. When have any of us ever given a fuck what anyone else thinks? Yes, Ivy is a bit much, but so are all of us.”

Logic sighed. “She needs to learn that there is more to life than pain.”

“Bullshit,” Alias growled. “Let me ask you this, Logic. What if Ivy is exactly how God intended her to be? Yes, she’s fucked in the head. What woman isn’t? Yet, that woman has managed to survive and thrive. Does she have moments where she jumps off the deep end? Yes. But she is also a functioning adult who doesn’t need any of us, yet chooses to stay and be part of something other than herself. All of us fucking know that she could up and leave at any minute, yet she doesn’t.”

“Alias is right, Logic,” Gunny said from the bar. “I know I’m not a brother in this club and I really don’t have a say here, but all of you have made me feel welcome, and that girl has shown me more kindness, more respect than any motherfucker out on those streets. She doesn’t judge me for my lifestyle. She accepts me for who I am and loves me anyway. Ivy isn’t perfect, but she’s perfect for me. She doesn’t need to change or be someone she isn’t.”

“Gunny, you need to understand—”

“Enough,” I growled, fury coursing through my veins. “This fake bullshit ends right now. I get you are the professional here, Logic, but when it comes to her wants and needs, I’m in charge. You just concentrate on her mind. I will take care of everything else.”

“That’s just it, Luc. They are all connected. Ivy doesn’t know what she wants or needs because she’s never been given a choice.”

A wicked smile crossed my face.

“And that’s exactly what I’m going to give her.”

“What?”

“No fucking choice.”

Chapter Twenty-Four

Ivy

I needed pain.

I craved the detached state, where the anguish flowed through me like a mighty river, overpowering my senses and compelling me to relinquish control. In order to regain the necessary determination to move forward, I needed the surrender, the temporary detachment of myself from my identity, finding solace in the process. I found myself grappling with the fact that I had become reliant on Luc to fulfill my need for pain. Desperation consumed me as I contemplated taking matters into my own hands.

I could do it.

I’d done it before.

To feel the cold steel against my skin as I slid my blade deep. The desire for the burning sensation, the exquisite ache caused by my steel blade, consumed me. The desire was overwhelming. My body throbbed with the ache.

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