Page 60 of Disturbed Lucidity

“This therapy only works if you participate, Ivy.”

“I am participating!” I shouted, frustrated. “You can’t help me with this.”

“How do you know unless you tell me what’s bothering you?”

“Really?” I snarked, leaning forward. “You volunteering to whip out your dick and let me ride it until I pass out?”

Logic took a deep breath and closed his little notebook. Getting to his feet, he walked over to his desk, sat in the chair, putting furniture and distance between us. That was smart, because I was seriously contemplating ripping his pants off and giving him the best fucking blowjob he’d ever had.

“I think you need to go find Luc.”

“I think you need to mind your own business,” I grumbled, then asked, “I thought you said this therapy would work?”

“No. I said I wanted to try it. It’s experimental. But what you are feeling is normal, Ivy.”

“Oh, really!” I scoffed. “So, me sitting here, thinking of several ways I can seduce you to get you to scratch my itch, is normal?”

Logic gulped. “Ivy, it’s going to take time for the meds to leave your system. As your body regulates, desires, yearnings and cravings that once were dormant will rise to the surface. What you are feeling is normal.”

“Look, Logic. My sex drive was already off the charts before I stopped taking the meds. It’s supercharged without them. I don’t just need sex. I fucking crave it. I can’t sleep. I can barely do my job here. All I see are hot men with dicks I want to fuck. How the hell is that normal?”

“It’s what your mind remembers. You grew up around sex, Ivy. Growing up in a BDSM club has left a lasting impression. It’s what your mind knows and it’s affecting your libido.”

“How do I fix it?” I growled.

“You go see Luc.”

“He’s avoiding me,” I muttered.

“Is he?” Logic questioned. “Or is he waiting for you to come to him?”

Heading out back, I took a seat at the picnic table, leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and soaked up the warm sun. Despite Logic’s suggestion to take my concerns to Luc, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My body was still tingling with heightened arousal.

If I went to him, it would be like I were acquiescing to his decree. I still couldn’t believe how intense my connection with Luc was. It was electric, off the charts, like fireworks exploding in my body. I knew I’d be foolish not to seize the opportunity he was presenting, but an inexplicable hesitation held me back.

That was the source of my unease.

Because I wanted to.

Throughout my entire life, my father emphasized the importance of prioritizing the satisfaction of men more than anything else. That, as a female, it was my duty to submit. From a young age, I gained the ability to please a man in a multitude of ways by ensnaring their wildest desires. I could evoke a deep-rooted carnality that generally shocked even the most audacious individual.

I knew nothing else.

Male, female, it didn’t matter.

The never-ending hedonism displayed by men was a constant observation in my life. Every time I believed I had reached the limit of what I could see or experience, my father would surprise me by teaching me something new. He continued this pattern until I became so skilled that I could perform the task without even waking up from my sleep.

My father used to call me his perfect pain slut. Entrusted by my father, I was brought into the business as a pawn to handle a wide range of tasks, including sealing deals with clients, gathering crucial information, seducing targets, and in extreme cases, carrying out acts of murder. I fulfilled his vision of the perfect fucktoy, and he never missed an opportunity to utilize me for his amusement.

Until he stopped.

I still didn’t know why he sold me.

Maybe that was what was bothering me. I had so many fucking unanswered questions, and though I knew none of them really mattered, I still wanted the answers. I wanted to know why me? Why was I so important one minute and discarded like trash the next? More importantly, why was he out there looking for me now? Why, after all these years, did he want me back? He had to know that I would never return to the wretched place where I’d spent my miserable childhood. It took me years to comprehend that the reality of the world bore no resemblance to the exclusive club I’d grown up in. That it wasn’t normal to use my body to get what I wanted.

Now it was all I could think about.

I hated this.

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