Page 5 of Sealed in Ink

“It’s fine,” I tell him. “Obviously. It’s not like Rust talks to me much, anyway.”

Brad chuckles. “Don’t take it personally. He’s like that with everybody.”

I try to laugh it off, but it feels painful and forced. The truth is, I shouldn’t be anywhere near Rust without Brad around to stop me. Stop me from doingwhat?Okay, it’s not like I’ll throw myself at him, but it’s challenging to be close to him and notthink all the impure thoughts that have screamed at me for years. I’ve never shared them, not even with my friends. It’s a sin. I’m not even sure how religious I am anymore. All I know is it would make a nun blush.

I can’t think about Rust, all six foot four of him, with his broad shoulders and dark hair, a few blades of silver starting to show, giving him a mature look. So experienced, he takes away any worry, doubt, and fear. With his thick muscles and that scowl on his face most of the time, it’s like he’s just waiting for a woman to light him up. Or he’s waiting formeto light him up.

“Or you could come,” Brad says. “Maybe see Dad?”

I stand up, my chair making ascreeknoise I didn’t intend. “Dad made his choice. He chose to live the exact life Mom would’ve hated him for. He literally moved to the city of sin.”

Brad groans. “It’s not like we even go to church anymore.”

“It’s not about that. It’s about Mom. It’s abouthimbeing selfish.”

Brad touches my arm. “Forget I asked. I get it. Really.”

Upstairs, in my bedroom, I fire up my laptop and put my headphones in. I make sure to sit with the screen facing away from the door. It’s not like Brad would barge in here without knocking anyway, but I have to be safe. I can’t ever let him see these videos.

This is another reason I’m suspicious about Dad. A few weeks after Mom’s so-called heart attack, I was hiding under my bed. I used to do that often, soon after she passed. It was weirdly comfortable, but I never saw the envelope untilthatnight. It had my name on it, in my mother’s beautiful script.

Inside, a DVD and a note.Never show this to your father or your brother. NEVER. Love, Mommy x

Since then, I’ve transferred the videos to my laptop. I’m not sure how Dad can claim Mom had a heart attack when she leftthisfor me. It seems too planned. Almost like she… But I can’t go there. Does it make me crazy that I keep watching them, even if they mess with my head? Should I stop and try to save a little piece of my mind?

Yet I can’t. It’sMom. She filmed it in the living room, three hours of footage. She’s wearing different outfits in each, so I know she did it over some time.

The video begins. “Mary, my beautiful, good girl. I need to leave this for you to teach you to be what a woman should be.”

The videos didn’t make sense to me at first. However, as I got older, I began to understand. “Don’t dress like you’d happily go to bed with any man who looked at you the right way. You’re better than that, and you have to remember it. In fact, don’t look atanyman unless you’re confident he’ll put a ring on your finger.”

“Be ashamed of any feelings of desire. People say shame is a bad thing.” My mom laughed, flashing her straight, white teeth, a smile that always lit me up like the Fourth of July. “That is absolute silliness. Shame is a useful emotion. You shouldn’t feelanysexual attraction, Petal, until you’re married, and it has a purpose.”

These teachings have always been tied so closely to my mom. Maybe I’m messed up, but whenever I start thinking about Rust’s big round shoulders and how it would feel to sink my fingernails into them and feel his power and firmness, it’s likeI’m spitting in Mom’s face and Brad’s. Two betrayals for the price of one. First prize in worst daughterandworst sister of the year award.

I have to fight it, always. This means I must be as cold as possible when he gets here. Thankfully, Rust has absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. Yeah, I’mreallygrateful for that. That’s what I tell myself, anyway.

The next day, I’m sitting in the local diner with Chrissy, the late-summer sun shining down on us. She looks over with a big smile on her face, but then she lets out a long sigh. “I wish you were coming to college with me.”

I shrug. “I might be, just a little later.”

She fiddles with one of her bracelets on her wrist.“Might.”

“What does that mean? Why say it like that?”

“I love you, Mary,” she says.

“Yeah, obviously.” I wink. “And I feel the same.”

“That’s why I have to say this,” she continues. “I don’t want you to live your life on amightbasis. I don’t want you to look back and think of everything youcould’vedone. You’re so talented. You could draw better than me after two weeks when I’d been doing it for months. You were great in drama class before you quit.”

“Thanks, seriously,” I tell her, “but I’m fine for now. I’ve got work at the motel. I can help Brad with the bills.”

Chrissy rolls her eyes.

“What?” I snap.

“Brad doesn’t need help with the bills,” she says in a kind, warm tone, the one she uses when she’s worried about upsetting me. She knows I can have annoying up-and-down moods and get mad at myself afterward. Sometimes, I can’t help it, but I’m trying to do better. “He’s doing well with the hardware chain, you said. He doesn’t even raise animals on the land anymore. It’s there to look pretty, and his best friend is Rust freaking Hadley.”

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