Page 39 of Sealed in Ink

He nods. “Yeah, I mean, well, mostly. I just wanted to speak to you about something I overheard.”

My belly tightens as I sit on the bed. This is so much worse now that heheardus. It drives home the sneaking around so much more, making it seem grosser and more of a violation.

“I should’ve told you weeks ago.”

Wait,weeks?Did he somehow overhear us the first time? Was he home without me knowing? But that doesn’t make any sense. He was in Vegas with our deadbeat dad.

“Okay…”

“It was late. I came home quietly, not wanting to wake you up, but I heard Mom’s voice, Mary. I heard her talking directly to you. The stuff she was saying about morality. The words she was using about women were so… wrong.”

I turn away, unable to look at him. This instinct cuts deep, all the way to the first time I found the DVD with the note from Mommy telling me never to show them or let them know.“This is our secret,”she says at the end of the video, with that captivating wink and that easy smile.

“It’s nothing,” I say.

“Since then, I’ve heard it two more times. What is it?”

If it wasn’t for the Rust stuff, I might snap at him for snooping and eavesdropping, but how can I? I feel defenseless against this. Mom told me not to let them find out. Ever. I’ve just broken her rule, my perfect mother’s rule.

“It’s…” I think of Rust in the bathroom, probably thinking I’m crazy. So much for life justslowing down. “Please.”

“Please, what?” Brad stands and walks in front of me, forcing me to look at him. “Explain. I’m sorry to spring it on you like this, but you have to. For me.”

The last part is so full of emotion, so desperate. My throat is still tingling from what I did with his best friend. I have to tell him.

“After Mom died, I found a DVD under my bed.”

When I’m done, he sits on the bed, releasing a long breath and shaking his head. “So these were, what, rules to live your life by?”

“She wanted me to be pure and modest,” I say, but I can’t feel the thrill of pride I once did. Throughout high school, when my friends were partying, I could always clutch onto that little glint of morality. Not anymore.

“I heard her call you aslut,” he says softly. “That’s not right.”

“She… she was just doing her best,” I snap.

“Mary…” Brad shuffles up the bed and puts his hand on my arm. The gentle, loving touch feels wrong after what Rust and I did. Every inch of my body is still thrumming from Rust’s release. “I have to tell you something. You’re old enough now, and it’ll put everything into perspective. Mom didn’t have a heart attack. The truth is?—”

“She took her own life,” I cut in because I’ve always known, on some level. I’m crying again, but these aren’t the happy tears when Rust smiled and spun me around. “That’s it, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Brad croaks. “Dad made me promise not to tell you.”

“Dadis the world’s biggest scumbag!” I yell, leaping to my feet, thinking of Mom with her halo of bright hair and the smilethat never faded and the confidence that never waned, not once. “Just… just get out, okay? Just leave.”

“Mary…”

“Please, just leave me alone!”

I can’t be with anybody. Not Brad. Not Rust. My vision is blurred with tears as I push Brad toward the door and slam it behind him. Then I run to the bed, sit down, and crumple into a fit of sobs. I can’t think. All I see is Mom. All I feel is her warmth as she pulls me against her. All I hear is the little voice in my head saying,“This isn’t healthy. Stop watching those videos. There’s something wrong with that woman.”

The bathroom door whines open. Rust walks toward me, but I know if I touch him, I’ll never let him go. It’s hopeless—doomed. How can we be together?

“I’m not really in the mood right now,” I hiss.

He stops, looking down at me with a confused frown.

“That’s all this is, right? A quick fuck?”

He opens his mouth and then glances at the wall. That’s right. I need to be quiet. Brad’s going to wonder who I’m speaking to. Hell, I should have thought of that earlier, with the rooms being so close by. That just drives it home. We can’t even speak if Brad’s anywhere nearby. This is hopeless. It is as doomed as all those hours of watching Mom’s video, poisoning my brain with the woman I love most.

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