Page 42 of The World Undone

“He hurt you,” I said, “took something from you that can never be replaced.”

The depth of her grief at the reminder of Cyrus, of what she’d lost, rippled through me. It was cloying and heavy, and braided with mine like a companion seeking refuge.

“Yes, he did.” She nodded, her tongue peeking out over her lips as her eyes searched mine. I wondered, briefly, what she saw there. “But he hurt you too.”

I clenched my jaw, the memory of him sacrificing me to the drude crashing forward, relentless. “I didn’t have the kind of relationship with Tarren that you did with Cyrus. I don’t mourn for my father the way that you do for yours.” Holding sadness for that man would be a dishonor for all that he’d put me through—for all that he’d put Wade through. For what he’d taken from Max. “He doesn’t deserve my grief.”

“No, he doesn’t.” She rolled her lips together, considering, “but you do. You’re allowed to let yourself feel that loss, even if it doesn’t quite fit the way it might otherwise have.”

My jaw clenched tight as her words rolled over me—through me. Sadness I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding clutched at my chest.

Was it hers or mine?

I wasn’t sure it mattered.

“If I’m sad about anything where he’s concerned,” my voice was rough, unaccustomed to having conversations like this. I never really let myself linger in my emotions, let alone share them with someone else. I was bad at it. But I could try to get better. For her. “It’s at the idea of what he could have been. The knowledge that he will never become the father that Wade deserved. There is no redemption for him, even if he never deserved it.”

“You deserved a father too, Atlas.” She cleared her throat, eyes darting to mine, then away again, hesitant. “I want you to fight for yourself the same way you’ve fought for Wade. For me. For us all.” Her focus dipped down to our hands, and I realized I was squeezing hers in a python-like grip. I relented, slightly, still unwilling to part with her touch altogether. “I think that’s the only path back to healing. It won’t be easy and it probably won’t be linear, and I honestly know so little about druden, if the pain of your time in those labs will ever truly go away. But I have to believe that it will, because you deserve to be free from it. You deserve to be happy. I refuse to believe in a future where you can’t feel joy. And in the meantime, we’re all here for you, happy to carry the weight of that pain, to spread it out amongst us. Dec has given me a very important lesson tonight.” From the feel of it, many lessons, but I didn’t interrupt her with the quip. Couldn’t speak through the emotion lodged in my throat right now even if I wanted to. “That’s what a team does—” her eyes found mine again, “that’s what a family does. And that’s what we are. We’re all we have.”

I swallowed, my throat tight as the force of her love poured into me. It was overwhelming. And while I didn’t agree with her—that I deserved happiness, that I deserved family, that I deserved her, after everything I’d done—her stubborn resolve burrowed into me, wrestling with my own resistance, loosening it, at least in part.

“I don’t regret killing him,” I whispered, the words ripping free from my lips before I could hold them back, “I only regret not doing it sooner. I wasted so much time. I’ve only ever wanted to protect them—Wade, my team, and now, you—and no matter how hard I try, I fail. I fail you all, every time.”

She shook her head, her hand pressing into my cheek, soft and warm. “You haven’t failed any of us, Atlas. Only yourself. We’re here. We love you. You can’t always be the one protecting us, you have to let us return the favor.” She grunted, her lips quivering into a small smile, the shadow of it still enough to make my pulse kick, even in the darkness of the room. “Hell, your brother’s been spending most of his nights secretly sleeping outside of your door, as if none of us can sense him there. And I don’t think there’s been a single second that Dec’s been in the same building as you without half of her focus spent assessing you—checking constantly for ways to help ease your pain. Same with Eli.” The smile grew sharper, her eyes sparkling with life. “Hell, even Darius wants to help, in his own twisted way. He threatened to disembowel someone two days ago when they suggested having you sequestered away in another cabin, isolated from us all until we were sure you weren’t a danger.”

Her thumb stroked against my cheek, and I pressed my face into her hand, letting myself sink into her touch, allowing myself for, just a moment, to set down the guilt and fear that had occupied every molecule of my body for months.

When I closed my eyes, I could almost see the bond linking us, could feel it coil between us, flaring to life as I let her in.

Her lips parted in surprise, but I could feel her too—and knew that I wasn’t hurting her, that she wasn’t rejecting these parts of me. Instead, we lingered there, together, my pain and months of grief braiding together with hers, familiar and different—a peaceful, warm companionship.

And as my burden lessened, I felt hers do the same—as if carrying each other’s hurt brought us each comfort in some strange, unfamiliar way. The connection helped ground me, when I’d been afraid it would only destabilize me more than I already had been.

For the first time since the drude fell into my cell, the nightmares he wielded seemed exactly that—like nightmares. Removed from me, temporal, not of this reality. Mere shadows compared to the feel of her skin against mine, compared to the terrifying power of letting her carve herself into my most vulnerable places, making a home there as I did the same with her.

Slowly, my wolf awakened, stretching through my limbs and twining us together—suddenly made tangible and real again, where he’d been cast as an echo, an empty reflection for so long.

Affection flared, hot and sweet in my chest. At first, I thought the feeling was coming from Max, from the bond. But it was me.

I let out a soft gasp of surprise, the feeling of relief almost overwhelming. I’d missed the wolf, this part of myself, more than I’d let myself see.

Connected to him and to Max, letting myself actually focus on the feeling of us lingering in the connection together, felt like finally seeing the sun, after years locked away in a dark cave. I felt more like myself than I had since Tarren cast me to the whims and cruelty of The Guild.

The shadows were still there, the phantoms of the nightmares still clouded my peripheral, but they no longer eclipsed my vision, my focus like they had.

And when I let myself meet her gaze again, it was like someone punched me in the gut—but it was a feeling I’d willingly seek out again and again. The pure, unbridled affection shining from her face, from every single pore of her skin, lapped against me—simultaneously saved me and made me feel undeserving of such light.

But I’d spend every last breath I had trying to be worthy of it, to earn even an ounce.

I slid my hand through her still-wet hair, letting the silky strands coil through my fingers and tangle me against her as I cradled the back of her head, tilting her face towards mine.

I wanted more of her light, I wanted it all—whether I deserved it or not.

This girl had been thrown into my life when I least wanted or expected her—but her presence was undeniable, every ounce of me lasered in on her every breath, even when I did everything I could to fight it, to resist it.

But I was a fool. There was no resisting her.

I was so fucking done trying.

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