Page 3 of Praise You

Breaking down the last box, I look around my new apartment, happiness flooding through my veins at the thought of finally having everything unpacked and put away. It took a lot longer than I thought, but it was worth it seeing how it looks now.

Of course, breaking up with Alison was tough. We had been together since after college. When she told me it wasn’t working, I tried to argue we could fix things and work it out. But there was a little voice in the back of my mind that kept saying ‘what if?’ What if now is the right time to figure out who I am? After arguing for about five minutes, I realized she was right and while we had been good together for a while, we weren’t meant for each other.

Moving from Chicago to San Diego was a big adjustment. My apartment isn’t next to the ocean, but I live close enough that I could drive and be there in fifteen minutes. When I decided I wanted to leave Chicago, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go, so I applied to open positions at different universities around the country. Luckily, I got a new job at the local university here teaching literature, which has always been a passion of mine.

Starting over from scratch at thirty is so damn hard, but I know it’ll be worth it. When you think your life is headed down one road only for it to end, you have to branch out to find a new route, even if it seems impossible. But so far, it’s been okay.

A meow startles me and I look down, seeing Ember run in between my legs. Getting her was a rash decision, but one I know was right. Before moving here, I was feeling lonely, so I walked into an animal shelter one day and walked out with Ember. She’s a bright orange tabby cat that keeps me on my toes. She’s frisky as shit, but when she wants to cuddle, she’s so loveable.

“You hungry?” I ask her, as though she’s going to respond. She circles my ankles again, before strutting over to her bowl and tapping it with her paw. Guess she is hungry. Grabbing her bag of food, I quickly feed her, smiling as she goes straight to eating.

Looking around my little apartment, I smile, taking in everything before me. When Alison and I split up, I knew I wanted to leave Chicago, so it only made sense for her to keep all of our furniture. So I started over by buying all new things that I eventually would have to have shipped here. I was able to pick out the exact sectional I wanted and didn’t have to worry about whether someone else liked it. I’m able to make my space all about me and I love it. The living room has a dark blue couch, a black glass top coffee table in front of it, and on the wall is the mounted TV. It’s open to the kitchen that has a small table and an island with a couple barstools.

Resting my feet on my coffee table, I grab my phone and scroll through Instagram. A picture of Alexander pops up and I instantly heart it, a smile crossing my face. Realizing I haven’t spoken to him in a couple weeks, I exit out of the app and pull up his contact information. It rings a few times before his voice cuts through.

“Well, well. Look who it is. My cousin who’s moved on to bigger and better things.”

Scoffing, I shake my head even though I know he can’t see me. “Definitely not bigger, and I’m not sure about better yet. We’ll have to wait and see.”

“How is California treating you? Have you started your new job yet?”

“So far, so good. Finally finished unpacking. It took way longer than I thought it would, but I wanted everything to be perfect. I start work this coming week. I’m so damn nervous but excited.” Ember jumps up onto my lap, purring loudly when I pet her.

“I know I’ve said this before, but I’m so damn proud of you. Moving across the country and starting over. It’s not easy at all, but you’re doing amazing. And I know you’re going to do great once you start at the university.”

“Thank you,” I whisper, a lump forming in my throat. Alexander is my older cousin who I’ve always looked up to. I grew up as an only child, but I had a few cousins we lived around. Alexander might be a few years older, but he was always someone I could count on. He was always there to give me advice and be there for me through the hardest times in my life. He was with me when I came out to my parents, though luckily I didn’t have to worry about them as they have always been supportive. When Alison and I broke up, he was the first person I went to. He was there with me when I sat down in his condo and applied for job after job, hoping and waiting for an opportunity to pop up. And he was with me when I received the call that I got the job down here in San Diego and he encouraged me to take this step. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been good. Keeping busy, as always.” Alexander owns his own advertising agency, so he’s always working and on the go. “Been stepping back a little bit, though. Elias is keeping me on my toes.”

“I bet. I love that guy. No one else could have gotten you to take a break.”

“Fuck, don’t I know it.” He laughs and I shake my head, chuckling along with him.

“Well, just know there’s always an open invitation if you and Elias ever want to come and visit California. You’ll probably want to stay in a hotel instead of my tiny apartment, but I would love to have you.”

“Oliver, you already know I’m going to be visiting as much as I can. I can’t wait to see your place.”

We end up talking for a while longer before we hang up. Not ready to go to bed yet, I open my computer and navigate to the FAN-tasy website. Not wanting Ember to see what I’m doing, I lift her off my lap and place her onto her bed in the other room. I’ve gone on this site a few times since the first time I stumbled across it, but I still haven’t gathered the courage to actually join a live for a second time. As much as I would love to see the masked man again, I don’t know if I’m ready.

Growing up, I always knew I was attracted to both men and women, but for some reason, every time I dated someone, they were women, so there was no reason for me to pursue any further feelings. I’ve never been with a man before, but I know I’m attracted to them. And I’m completely out of my element when it comes to everything that has to do with dating men. Which is why one lonely night I thought it would be a good idea to watch a video and explore more of myself. And I’ve been terrified of trying it again ever since. Something about the experience just clicked for me and for the first time in my life, I felt right. And now I’m scared to do it again.

The webpage loads, and the masked man's profile pops up on my screen. Since we did a live session together, his profile shows up on my main profile under ‘Favorites.’ Every time I log in and see the name ‘masked_menace,’ my skin prickles and my heart beats faster. One day, I’ll build up the courage to join another one of his lives. But until then...

I quickly exit out of the webpage, then close my computer with a soft click.

I’m not ready tonight. Again.

The first time I was way out of my comfort zone, so I want to make sure I’m ready the next time. Yawning, I stand up, making my way to my room, deciding it’s time to go to bed, anyway.

Pulling into the faculty parking spot, I put the car into park before taking a deep breath. Looking out of the windshield, I’m in awe at the university in front of me. It’s gorgeous. Across from the faculty parking lot, there’s a large green courtyard surrounded by huge brown buildings. There’re tons of students walking around, lost in their conversations.

I step out into the bright sun, and lift my messenger bag over my head, setting it onto my shoulder. Tilting my head up, I inhale, loving the smell of salt in the air from the ocean. There’s just something special about knowing I can smell the ocean from here.

Earlier this morning, I spent some time looking at the campus map in the hopes I wouldn’t get lost today. As I make my way toward the dean’s office, I bypass a couple of buildings, loving how beautiful this campus is. The entrances to the buildings have tall white pillars on each of the steps. All around the walkways are patches of grass and trees where students sit and relax between classes. When I reach the quad, I stop and glance up when I see a huge fountain in the middle of it. The school's mascot—a bobcat—is in the center and it looks cool as hell. Fuck, I still can’t believe I’m working here now.

Turning my head to the left, then the right, I look for the building marked ‘Admin.’ Once I spot it, I stride over and pull open the door, a gust of cool air hitting my face as I make my way into the area.

I reach the front desk and smile softly at the young lady in front of me, waiting for her to get off the phone.

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