Page 77 of The Infinite Light of Dust

I don’t travel home as often as I should, but my mom loves to have me curl her hair when I do. She says it will make me a good father one day. Karina said the same, with a look in her eyes like she could see the future. Turns out she couldn’t, and neither can my mom, because she still hopes for grandchildren from me to pass on the family name. Not fucking happening. There’s no chance I’d ever punish the world with another me.

I sigh and grab my phone from my pocket, checking it out of habit while glancing around the room. It’s emptier now, so Karina will be easier to find. Eventually I’ll either know for sure that she’s not here or she’ll appear from whatever corner of the room she’s hiding in. That’s if she didn’t slip out, and knowing her, there’s a high likelihood—

“I’m right here, Dory.”

Karina’s soft voice sends both shock and relief throughout my body.

“There you are. Everyone keeps talking about you, and here you are,” Ma says.

Karina’s brows draw together, and she shakes her head. “Gossip as always.”

Her lips curl into a smile and she puts her arm around my mom’s shoulders and squeezes.

Karina’s fingers go to Ma’s hair, and she unfastens the clip. Her delicate hands twist Ma’s hair then clip it back exactly how she likes it and a hell of a lot better than I can do. Man, they’ve come a long way since the beginning. It drives me fucking crazy with guilt that because of everything that happened, my mom doesn’t have Karina in her life anymore. Unlike Gloria, who could drive to see Karina ten minutes away, my mom will never even sit behind a wheel again. Not safely, at least. The laundry list of mistakes I’ve made over the last several years just keeps growing. Even though now we are living separate lives, I’ve done too many unforgivable things to her.

“Do you want to go outside?” she asks Ma. “It’s getting a little stuffy in here.” The green of her eyes catches on the stained glass church window.

My mom follows Karina and they both look back at me standing still.

“Well?” they say in unison.

“I’ll go with you.” I look at Karina.

She stares back at me, her lips parting slightly, but she doesn’t say anything.

As we turn, my phone vibrates in my hand. I go to answer it and catch Karina’s eyes. She’s staring daggers at my phone, one of her worst enemies. She expects me to answer it, like I always do, so I ignore the call and keep my eyes on her. She licks her lips and her eyes give away that she’s surprised and that she sees this as a win. It was just one of my contractors anyway.

“Shall we?” I ask her, digging in my position of at least trying to stay on her game board. She nods and leads us out of the church as the bells from its tower ring through the air.

“It was so nice of you to come, Karina. That woman wasn’t very nice to you,” my mom tells Karina as we walk out into the fresh air.

“She was nicer toward the end, right before they got stationed in Texas. I hadn’t gotten to that part of the story.” Karina smiles, holding my mom’s hand.

I knew Toni wasn’t Karina’s favorite person, but she still came to Tharpe’s funeral. It’s fucking awful, another death caused by the lack of mental health care when it comes to PTSD, but we all seem pretty numb to it now.

“Either way, I feel so bad for her and the kids. And we had some nice memories together.” Karina’s eyes touch mine as I think back to the memories she’s referring to. They feel like another lifetime ago.

“All this loss. It’s too much,” my ma says, her voice trembling.

I hated bringing my ma to another funeral, but she insisted on coming since Tharpe was in my platoon and she assumed we were close. He and Mendoza had been much closer than we were, but I didn’t want to fight with her over a funeral of all things, and she’s a stubborn woman. The funeral felt empty without Mendoza, but he couldn’t come, not because of his physical condition, but his mental. He’s trying like hell every single day to stay afloat, and another funeral sure as hell wouldn’t help that. That and he didn’t want any more attention on him and his body as he learned to walk again. He’s recovering and I’m damn proud of him.

“Your brother isn’t here, right?” my ma asks Karina as we walk down the steps of the church.

She shakes her head, her focus on my ma, and I can tell she’s purposely not looking at me.

“Elodie said to tell you hi by the way. She’s sorry they couldn’t be here, but Donavan is sick and they don’t have a babysitter. Plus I think she’s scared to travel without my brother, and the Army denied his request to come since they’re technically not family.”

The arcane rules of the military frustrating everything once again.

“How do you know Elodie?” I ask my ma out of curiosity. I never talk about my Army life with her, but apparently Karina has.

“I met her when they came to visit last year,” my ma tells me. Karina’s smug expression tells me she’s enjoying my surprise.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. We all went out to eat and had a nice time. You should have come,” my ma scolds me.

“I wasn’t invited,” I said, looking at Karina.

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