Page 41 of The Infinite Light of Dust

“Kael built that shed out there. It’s where that yellow light is.” She pointed to a small glowing light near the line of massive trees.

“He’s so great at stuff like that. Building and renovations and everything in between,” I told her, though she knew that even better than I did.

“It’s a fully functioning space. It has a bathroom, a kitchenette. I kept thinking he would move back there once the Army got to be too much. Or at least, come to escape here sometimes. But that hasn’t been the case.” She took a long sip and sighed.

“I’ll try to make sure he comes here more. He wants to, he’s just—”

I hesitated to speak for Kael, knowing he wouldn’t like that, and not wanting to betray his trust by repeating what he’d told me.

“It’s complicated.” She turned to me. Her eyes were the exact shade of deep brown as Kael’s. “And you don’t have to promise me anything except that you’ll be there for him. Not only with his PTSD, but when my son is the only Black man in the room and someone says something out of pocket, I need you to stand up for him. When he works himself to the bone and forgets to eat, I need you to feed him. When people underestimate his talent because of his background, I need you to remind him he is worthy. As his mother, I’m begging you to be his voice when it’s not safe for him to speak up.”

I was a little too stunned to speak, absorbing her words as they coated my mind. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to do those things for her son, not because I didn’t want to or because I wasn’t capable, but because there was so much uncertainty around our future and, as of now, I wouldn’t be close enough in proximity to be there for him in this way. My heart was beginning to feel as if it was staying in a constant state of broken, each day cracking a sliver more.

“I’ll do my best. I love him,” I admitted. I couldn’t bring myself to promise her what she’d asked, but it was true. I loved Kael more than I could explain.

“That’s all we can do, is our best.”

A cough broke through the air, the sound too big for her small body. I reached over and patted her back softly, handing her a glass of water. She shook me off gently.

“I’m fine. I’ve had this cough for a while. Damn thing won’t go away.” She coughed a bit more, covering her mouth as her thin shoulders hunched.

“Tttt—” She struggled to find her words, but I didn’t have a clue what she was looking for. “Tay.” She finally said her daughter’s name, but she looked confused. “Tay keeps harping on me to see a doctor, but I don’t have time or energy for that.”

“I’m staying out of that, but I will say it’s better to deal with crappy doctors than suffer in silence.”

She nodded, her eyes focused again. She changed the subject immediately, asking me every question under the moon.

The sun was coming up as I finished telling her more about my job, my house. I realized when she went to her room to get dressed for the day I hadn’t thought about the rest of the brewing storm waiting for us back at Benning. For a short while I’d felt like a normal young woman venting to an old friend. It felt so good, but of course my brain reminded me that it would likely be the first and last time.

Kael stirred a little as I sat back down on the couch, and he reached for me, resting his head on my lap. He fell back asleep, his lips parting slightly, and I closed my eyes for a while. When I woke up again I looked up to see his mom standing in the doorway of the kitchen, same coffee mug in hand, watching us with a sweet smile on her face.

Chapter Twenty-one

Kael

Waking up to Karina in my ma’s living room was more jarring than I’d expected. I was confused as fuck as to where I was and what year it was. I hadn’t slept on that couch in years.

“Hi.” She smiled down at me, her hair falling over her shoulders.

“Hi,” I repeated, stretching my body as much as I could on the small couch. The smell was so familiar, but the circumstances were not.

Karina seemed well rested, a sense of ease over her that typically wasn’t there. As we left, my ma hugged me again and again, calling me my uncle’s name by accident. She had done that a few times on the phone, but I knew she was usually so exhausted from work that it made sense to mix our names up. That and our names were so similar. My sister had left for a study group earlier, but that was no surprise. Karina and my ma seemed to have a hard time saying goodbye to one another, which I both loved and hated. I knew I was only making things more complicated by intertwining our lives in every possible way.

“Were you nervous about me meeting your family?” she asked me as I pulled onto the highway.

I knew she would eventually ask her questions, but we had a long drive ahead, so part of me hoped her inquisition could wait until we were a little further into the day. My ma had been a mess when we’d left, but I’d promised her that I could come back more often. Karina made me promise her the same, pouting over not seeing my old bedroom, which I’d built out back. It was about the size of two sheds together and had everything I needed inside. When I was deep in deployment, I had daydreamed about running away and living there, in the back of my ma’s house forever.

“A bit, yeah.”

I didn’t look at her but I heard the subtle inhale she made at my honesty.

“Because of me? Or because you haven’t introduced anyone to them?” she asked. I knew she would assume it was because of something wrong with her, even though that couldn’t be further from the truth.

“No.” I shook my head, putting my blinker on to change lanes even though the road was empty except us. “Because of me. I didn’t think I would ever bring my two lives together.”

“Two lives?”

“It feels that way. Not as sinister as its sounds, but it does feel like I have two versions of myself,” I admitted. “Or more.”

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