Page 37 of The Infinite Light of Dust

“Let’s go in,” he repeated, his breath falling out as if he had been holding it for the last few hours.

Kael’s mom began to cry at the sight of him. She brushed his sweatshirt at the shoulders, her eyes full of tears. “You’ve grown up in such a short time.”

The way she looked at her son made me want to sob. I tried so hard to hold back, to not draw any bit of the attention to myself during their reunion, but damn it, it was so hard. I sniffled, swallowing my emotions the best I could, but I had never in my entire life seen a mother look at her child like that. Like he was the center of her universe, like she would hang the moon and nail the stars to the night sky for him. Without her saying a word, I could feel the immense love she felt for Kael. I tried to imagine how that must feel, to be so loved by a parent, but couldn’t.

In a blue-and-white polka-dot cotton dress that nearly swept the ground, she looked tiny as she wrapped her arms around him. He effortlessly lifted her off her feet, squeezing her small frame as she continued to cry.

“Don’t cry, don’t cry. I’m here,” he told her, over and over.

As I stood there watching them, I didn’t feel awkward or like an intruder on such a meaningful moment. I was so happy to see Kael this way, loved and admired by someone important to him, someone other than me.

After a few more moments he gently put her down and brushed her hair back. It was tied back into a low bun but had gotten a little crooked during their embrace. Kael’s hands went to work. Turning her around by her shoulders and undoing the hair tie, he meticulously but quickly redid her bun and kissed her forehead, wiping the tears from her cheeks. I could feel the distance he told me he’d put between them evaporating by the second now that they were together.

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry. I’m Dory. You must be . . . well, if my son had any manners, he would have told me your name by now.” She turned her attention to me, smiling and trying to put herself together emotionally. Her smile was a carbon copy of Kael’s, literally identical.

She was stunning, not an ounce of makeup on her skin, with eyes that were almost too big for her face, which made it even more interesting and captivating. Her eyes were so much softer than Kael’s, but I could feel the strength in them. A small woman, but a mighty soul.

“Karina, my name’s Karina,” I said back, not knowing what would happen next.

She wrapped her arms around me before my worries could take me out of the moment. The smell of honey and fresh-cut flowers filled my senses as she squeezed me like she had known me for years.

I couldn’t help but notice the look on Kael’s face while I was in his mother’s arms. A little uneasy, like he wasn’t sure what to do. It wasn’t like him to not be able to control his surroundings, so I was sure this entire day would continue to make him anxious. That made two of us.

“Let’s get inside. It smells like it’s going to rain any minute.” She let me go and turned her gaze up to the sky. I sniffed the air, and realized she was right.

As we walked up the porch steps, I thought about how lovely it would be to sit on this porch during a storm. There were two rocking chairs with floral-printed pillows decorating them, and a table full of empty metal coffee cans, stacks of old magazines and newspapers. It felt cozy and antique, but tidy—a kid’s bicycle with inches of dust on the metal and a flat tire, another table with a game of checkers that hadn’t been touched in a while. It felt like a space full of memories of Kael and his sister’s childhood. I hoped I would have more time to look more closely before we left.

The living room was warm; the air was the perfect mixture of breeze and comfortable heat. The smell of food filled the room. I couldn’t tell what it was exactly, but it surely came from heaven. My stomach growled audibly, and Kael looked down at me, a slight twitch in his lips. He was still on edge, and I was prepared for him to stay that way for a while. I couldn’t measure the time, even guessing, but emotionally this was complicated for him, so my discomfort and anxiety were going to stay hidden to the best of my ability. I needed to be the support for Kael, like he’d been for me since I met him.

“I bet you’re both hungry, so I made some of your favorite food, Kael. Have you ever had homemade chicken and dumplings or shrimp and grits, Karina?” she asked me.

“I wish. But no.” I shook my head. “Even living in Georgia for a while now, I still haven’t. Well, I did have shrimp and grits once, but it wasn’t homemade. So, basically, I haven’t had them before, so I’m excited to try all the things.”

I couldn’t stop my mouth from moving even though my mind was screaming at me to shut the hell up and stop being weird.

“Sorry, sometimes I say stuff—but I’d love to try your food,” I apologized, almost clasping my palm over my mouth to stop myself from saying another word.

Dory smiled and tilted her head to her son. “No need to be sorry. I’m glad you’re a talker, since we know this one isn’t.” She lovingly glared at Kael, and to her point he shrugged and didn’t say anything.

She led us through the living room and into the kitchen so quickly that I didn’t have much of a chance to look around. I did clock some picture frames on the wall but couldn’t make out the subjects of the photos. It felt like I was in a museum of Kael’s life. She waved for us to sit down at the table, and covered her mouth with her arm as she coughed. Kael tensed and patted her back. She told him she was fine and shooed him away. He then pulled out a wooden chair for me. It squeaked against the tile floor, and I sat down with my hands in my lap. He pushed me toward the table and told his mom to sit down, too, pulling a chair out for her as well.

“I want to feed you, it’s been so long,” she said, refusing to take a seat just yet. “You sit down and let me be your momma.” Her voice was soft but fierce, and Kael obliged, sitting down next to me, his leg shaking up and down rapidly, nerves getting the best of him.

Dory filled our plates with a pile of food, and it was delicious. The first bite of a homemade dumpling had me drooling. The texture, something between a biscuit and bread, was insanely perfect, and the broth was flavorful, instantly becoming the best thing I had ever eaten in my life. I devoured my food in silence, as Kael did the same. Dory told us she’d already eaten, and sat down at the table with us, pouring herself some tea from a porcelain pot with little blue flowers on it. She seemed to be used to her son’s quiet nature, and the three of us sat in silence, with only the sounds of us enjoying the food and gulps of water to wash it down among us. Kael was on his second plate of food, and I watched him intently, loving the access to him I was being granted by being here in his mother’s home while he ate his favorite home-cooked comfort meals. The sudden chirp of a cuckoo clock made me jump and almost choke on my food. Kael laughed, barely making a sound, but the smile on his face was impossible for him to hide.

Dory also found it amusing, laughing and apologizing for scaring me. I could feel the embarrassment burning in my cheeks as I coughed and chugged water. Coughing was one of the most ridiculous things to be embarrassed of, but I always had been. It brought me back to coughing in school; every time was mortifying for no reason. I focused on the beautiful color of the wooden kitchen table. It was a medium shade of oak—the top was made of strips of the same wood but with the grain going in opposite directions in a pattern. It was a long oval shape, and the legs were thick; this table could easily last a hundred years. Memories of time together were stained into the surface, making it even more arresting. The irony wasn’t lost on me that my father’s table was cold and spotless, never so much as a crumb or a fingerprint on it. Family dinners in this home were obviously the opposite of my Tuesday dinners with my father and Estelle.

“Where’s Tay? Didn’t you tell her I was coming?” Kael finally asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

“She’ll be home after her tutoring session. Even seeing you doesn’t come before her money.” Dory laughed.

I couldn’t wait to meet Kael’s younger sister. I hoped she liked me, or at least could tolerate me. Even though I was fuller than I had ever been, anxiety found a way to nudge itself into the very pit of my stomach. I wondered what it was like to not worry about every social interaction before they happened, to be able to go with the flow.

“Not surprised.” Kael smiled, scooping up the last bit of food from his plate and shoveling it into his mouth.

He stood up to get more but his mom grabbed his plate from his hands and pushed one of his shoulders down, telling him to sit. He looked at me and smiled a little. I could tell he was attempting to quietly check in on me even though he was right next to me. I smiled back and reached for his hand when his mom’s back was to us. I kissed it gently and he brushed my cheek, quickly but tenderly.

“Are you still hungry, Karina?” Dory asked me.

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