Page 53 of The Infinite Light of Dust

The kids were at Gloria’s parents in Arizona for now, but they wouldn’t be there forever, and it was partly my responsibility to make sure their mother took care of herself while their father held on to his life.

“Please, eat something, and I’ll leave you alone,” I told her, pushing the brown bag across the small plastic hospital table again.

“I doubt that.” But she opened the top of the bag, pulled out a burger, and unwrapped it. The smell made my stomach growl. “Eat some. You ordered enough for the whole platoon. Eat.” She handed me a paper-wrapped burger and I didn’t argue.

I’d had a few protein shakes in the last few days but hadn’t had a solid meal.

“Did you see Karina yet?” Gloria asked, taking a big bite.

I shook my head. “I went to her dad’s place but she was passed out.”

“I can’t believe what I said to her.” Gloria hung her head. “I wasn’t in my right mind.”

Gloria hadn’t meant what she’d said to Karina, and she was going through hell. But Karina was so sensitive, and she valued Gloria’s friendship so much. There had been nothing but heartbreak on Karina’s already devastated face as Gloria had slapped her.

“You can apologize when you see her,” I reminded her.

She pushed her long dark hair behind her shoulders with her fingers. “That won’t undo what I said and did. It’s not her fault, or Fischer’s. It’s not one’s fault except Phillips’s and my dumbass wannabe-hero husband. You know?”

She slid her elbows across the small table and laid her head down. I hoped Karina wouldn’t take it personally, but it would have been impossible not to. Karina was probably still in shock. I would never forgive myself for failing to keep her out of that situation, and it was my fault for allowing Phillips into my place at all that day. I shouldn’t have trusted that he would have changed his perspective so quickly. Then again, I hadn’t realized Fischer would go walking into the lion’s den so soon. If it was anyone’s fault, it was mine. My head was throbbing and my eyes burned like they hadn’t been closed in days, which was true, and my chest felt like it had a hole in it as if I were the one who’d been shot.

“We can’t undo anything that happened. We have to live with it, all of it. What we did, what we didn’t do, it’s ours to bear. All we can do is try to do better from now on.”

“How philosophical.” She rolled her eyes, a fry hanging out of the corner of her mouth. “I don’t know what the future looks like anymore,” she quietly admitted. “If he will never be able to walk again, what does that even mean? For him, for our babies?”

I wish I knew the answer. Deep down I was terrified of what it meant. Mendoza was so lively, so young and full of passion. All of that being contained, him unable to move for the rest of his life, was absolutely fucking terrifying. I would carry the guilt of not being able to stop Phillips for the rest of my life. Every time I looked at Mendoza, Gloria, or their children, the weight of what had happened would push against my chest, twist my insides, and make me wish it had been me who’d been injured.

“It means life fucking sucks sometimes. It means everything is going to be even harder from now on. It means the life you knew is gone.” I couldn’t keep my honesty at bay, even if it was too harsh for the moment. Gloria wouldn’t want someone to bullshit her and tell her that everything would be fine, because it wouldn’t be.

We didn’t talk much as we both inhaled enough food for four people. I could taste the blood from my busted lip every time I took a bite. I was sure it was bruised but didn’t have the capacity to care enough to look in a mirror. A little bit of color came back to her cheeks as she finished eating. The beeping monitor made her twitch every time it went off. The physical and mental exhaustion was all-encompassing on her small frame.

“Why don’t you go home and sleep a bit? I’ll stay here in case he wakes up,” I offered, half expecting her to cuss me out.

She looked at her husband lying in the bed and then back at me. “I think I will. He’s still out, and now that I’m full, I don’t know how much longer I can keep my eyes open.”

She leaned over Mendoza’s still body and kissed his forehead, running her long fingernails over his slightly grown-out hair. He didn’t move a muscle as she left the room, whispering a thank-you to me on her way out.

When the room was silent, with only Mendoza and me and our mistakes, I began to speak to him.

“Manny, we’ve really done it now. I can’t believe you took a bullet for Fischer, you fucking idiot.” I was conflicted on whether that had been a noble or a dumbass thing to do. If Karina’s brother had been shot and paralyzed or dead, her entire world would have changed. She would have never been the same again. But Mendoza had a wife and children, a career in the Army. Just because I loved Karina didn’t mean her brother’s life held more value than those of my closest friends.

“I wish I would have stopped it, I never meant for it to get this bad. Phillips came to me saying he was going to leave them alone and not do anything stupid. But, fuck, now you’re lying in the hospital. Goddamn it, none of this is fair.”

His voice scared the shit out of me as he replied, “Life isn’t fair.”

His eyes were barely open but his mouth twitched into a small smile. I wanted to punch him for smiling at a time like this, though I wasn’t surprised. He always had a way of making a joke out of the worst possible situations.

“Do you want me to call the nurse?” I asked, not sure if that was what I was supposed to do now that he’d woken up.

“No. I don’t want to be poked and prodded right now. Where’s Gloria?”

I nodded, knowing I would want some peace, too, if I were him. “She went home to sleep. She hasn’t slept since you got here.”

He closed his eyes softly, like it took a lot of effort to keep them open. “How long has it been? Feels like a goddamn month.”

“Only two months.” I fucked with him. He cocked one eye open and shook his head back and forth.

“If I could move my arm, I would be giving you the finger. But they’ve got me so doped up right now, I can’t move shit.”

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