Page 48 of The Infinite Light of Dust

I pressed my thighs together, trying to hide how easily my body reacted to him. I could tell by the look in his eyes that it was obvious, that I wasn’t hiding anything. He plated the food and put the pots in the sink. My mind was much quieter than it had been all day—what a relief. Instead of thinking about every single thought I’ve ever had, I only thought about Kael, the food, and how glad I was that he was here and in my life in general. I finally felt tethered to the earth, not in a suffocating way, but in a safe way. I was so tired of always floating around, solving everyone else’s problems, and never taking a breath for myself. With Kael I felt agency; I felt heard and protected. As my mind wandered to what would become of us in the future, he set a plate of steaming food in front of me. I hadn’t eaten at all, and my stomach growled angrily at me for starving it all day.

“If you’re still hungry after this, I’ll heat up Mali’s food,” he offered, sliding a fork between my fingers.

“Thank you.” I dug in, taking a huge bite of the dumplings. They were even better today; how was that possible? I needed to get the recipe from his mom immediately.

We ate in comfortable silence. I started to get sleepy as my plate neared being empty. I couldn’t stop yawning. Kael stopped me when I tried to put my plate in the sink.

“Go take a shower. I’ll take care of this.” He kissed my cheek, smiling as I yawned again.

The shower was warm and even though I was exhausted, I went through a whole everything shower. I shaved, double shampooed, and exfoliated my entire body. I felt so much better by the time I got out. Self-care really was so healing. I went to my room and put on a pair of shorts and a sweatshirt. I heard the water running in the kitchen—the great thing about my tiny house and its shoddy pipes. I tried to keep my eyes open, listening to the water run.

I thought I was dreaming when I woke up to warm hands moving up and down my calves. I opened my eyes just enough to see Kael kneeling on my bed behind me.

“Thank you,” I managed to say.

“Do you want to sleep instead? My offer will still stand tomorrow,” he told me.

“Both. You rub and I’ll sleep?” I closed my eyes again as he moved his hands down to my feet.

I hadn’t realized how much my body had needed a massage. I spent my time treating others but hadn’t been treated in so long. It felt like a metaphor for how I lived my life, but I was so tired that I didn’t want to spend my last bit of energy dissecting it.

Chapter Twenty-five

Karina

It was pouring outside when I woke up, and so my room was filled with humidity. Freaking Georgia and its unpredictable weather. Kael’s body was practically a heater, and the more it rained, the warmer he grew. I mentally scanned my body, which felt so much better than it had when I went to sleep. I was still a little tired, but my mind felt so much clearer than it had been in so long. Maybe all I’d needed was a good night’s sleep?

Kael’s arm was tight around my waist, his breath warm against the back of my ear. I wondered how I’d ever slept a night without him and what would happen if I ever had to again. I hated the way my mind always went to the worst-case scenario instead of to the next step and the immediate future. I couldn’t seem to enjoy a moment for too long without thinking of its expiration. My eyes shut, I counted backward slowly from one hundred to calm my thoughts and slow my breath before Kael woke up midpanic. I wanted him to sleep soundly, not be disrupted by my mental gymnastics.

I kept having to restart the countdown, but I finally began to zone out around fifty-four and dozed back off to sleep. This time when I woke up, Kael was no longer wrapped around me. I sat up to look for him, but he wasn’t in my room. I made sure I had enough clothes on to leave the room if Elodie and my brother were here, which was growing a bit tiresome. Not them being here, I was happy to help them, but that I never knew when I would have the house to myself again, and I felt selfish even entertaining the idea, but sometimes I did miss my alone time.

I made my way into the living room and checked the clock on the wall. It said midnight, which couldn’t be true given the sun was out. When I looked out the window, there was a break in the rain and the sun was shining. But that only meant the rain would show up again soon. Kael wasn’t there either. I instantly panicked, struggling with the way I was depending on him so much lately. My attachment to him was alarming, and according to the internet, I had an anxious-avoidant attachment style. On the one hand, I was clingy and insecure, not fully trusting but desperate for attachment and on the other, I was hyperindependent and not willing to fully merge my life with another person’s.

I grabbed my phone from the couch and called him. His voice was close by when he picked up. His silhouette appeared in front of my screen door, and he walked through.

“You okay?” He assessed me, a touch of worry lifting his scarred brow.

“I didn’t know where you were.”

“Working on your birthday gift during the break in the rain.” He craned his neck toward the door and porch.

Ah, my most favorite and the most thoughtful gift I’d ever received: a deck and a porch swing, built by Kael Martin.

“I didn’t want you to think I’d forgotten about it, but between the rain and all the drama, it’s taking longer than expected. The rain’s supposed to stay at bay for another three hours or so, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to keep working. I can finish the base of the deck at least, since all the wood is cut and measured.” He sounded excited, and I sure as hell couldn’t wait to see it finished. On top of that, I had to go into Mali’s soon.

“I have to work at some point anyway, so you can take all the time you need. My shift is about five hours long—I have two regulars, one new client, and space for a walk-in. If there isn’t one, I can leave after three treatments.”

“Great. I’ll get back to work then, and you get yourself ready. There’s food in the oven if you have time to take a few bites at least. And coffee in the pot.”

“But you don’t drink coffee,” I noted.

He smiled, dazzling as ever. “You do.”

I moved to wrap my arms around his waist, and he made a dramatic sound like I was squeezing all the air out of his lungs.

“I’ll miss you,” I told him, leaning on my toes to kiss him.

He bent his head down to give me an achingly slow, luxurious, and tempting kiss. I slid my tongue between his parted lips and he gently gripped my hair behind my neck, tugging. My body prickled with desire.

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