Page 36 of The Infinite Light of Dust

“It’s hard to explain, but I realized I’ve been avoiding seeing my mom since I enlisted. I haven’t seen her since I got back.”

“Oh.” She stared at me, gathering her thoughts. “I guess I knew that because I’ve been with you most of the time since you came home. It’s not because of me, is it?”

I shook my head. “No. I’ve been like this since before I met you. I want her to remember the son she was proud to raise. The boy who never got in trouble and wouldn’t hurt a fly. Not a man who has taken lives . . . not a man who has blood on his hands and shadows in his mind.”

Karina sat up on one elbow and leaned onto my chest, bringing her face to mine. “I know she’s so proud of you. Anyone would be. You’re still the same boy she knew and loved even if you’ve been through things that most people can’t imagine. And you’ve handled them better than anyone could have expected. I’m proud of the man you are, and I would be so proud if my son grew up to be the same kind of person.”

I could barely stand the overwhelming emotions her words brought on. Shame and relief danced together, both confusing and consoling me.

“I’m not the boy she raised anymore. I’ve changed, and done so many things she would recoil at the thought of. I can’t ignore that, and I’m not sure if I can hide it around her.”

“Oh, Kael, that’s not true. She’s your mom, she will be so happy to see you, I’m sure of it. You should go. It will be good for both of you. Don’t you miss her?”

What a complicated question. Of course I missed her, but the son she missed wasn’t me, not anymore. He died on the battlefield in Kabul. I didn’t want to ruin the idea of the boy she raised, but I knew she missed me like crazy. This was the first time I hadn’t seen her the moment I got home. The more time that passed, the easier it was to disassociate from the guilt I felt for being a poor excuse for a son.

“It’s more complicated than me missing my mom,” I explained.

“There’s nothing less complicated than a mother’s love,” she told me, brushing her fingertips along my jawline. “My family excluded, obviously. Also, helloooo? Look how fucked up everything is around us. Elodie, my brother, literally everything is a mess and, for once, maybe we should run away for a night and leave tomorrow’s problems for tomorrow?”

“That’s very unlike us,” I reminded her.

There was a small twitch in her lips, the dark humor of hers that I loved. “I wish my mom wanted to see me,” she added. My chest sank.

Was I being selfish to whine about how my guilt was keeping me from seeing my ma, in front of Karina out of all people? Yeah, yeah, I was being selfish toward her and my ma, my sister, myself.

I wrapped my arms around her back, squeezing her body to mine. I kissed her forehead and hugged her again. I wasn’t sure if I would regret it but I asked, “Do you want to go with me? To see my ma?”

Her head popped up, excitement clear in her bright eyes. They were the color of spring grass today.

“Really?”

“Yeah. I’m not sure how good of an idea it is for me to go, but I know I’ll feel better if you’re with me.”

Karina made an exaggerated noise like a squeal and climbed on top of me. She pressed her forehead to mine and wrapped her hands around my biceps.

“Let’s go,” she said eagerly.

Whether it was from being excited to meet my family or wanting to put together one more piece of the puzzle of my life, her happiness was contagious, and I found myself looking forward to her being in my old town, in my old house. The past and present mixing was not something I usually welcomed, but I would do almost anything for Karina and my ma.

Chapter Nineteen

Karina

The next evening, the sun was low in the sky when we pulled up to Kael’s childhood home, and I felt a sense of nostalgia even though I had never been there. It was almost as I had imagined: a quaint ranch-style house with yellow siding, deep-red shutters on the front windows, and a matching door. The porch covered the length of the house and had white railings and balusters, with handrails on both sides of the steps. The driveway was a circle shape with a giant tree in the center, and behind the house was nothing but trees. The front yard was deep, the house pushed far back from the road. It was unique, and I smiled as I tried to collect all the details, imagining a young Kael running around the yard, playing in the woods behind the house.

“What?” His voice interrupted my imagination. He seemed nervous now, compared to the calm guy who drove for almost three hours while I talked so much that I put myself to sleep.

“Nothing. I love it here.”

He looked at me, full of skepticism. “But we just got here.”

I shrugged, grabbing my purse from the floorboard of his truck. “I don’t care. I love it already,” I said, as a woman, no taller than five feet, stepped onto the porch and waved.

“That’s your mom.” I stated the obvious.

His mouth twitched anxiously and he nodded. “Yeah, that’s my ma.”

“Let’s go in?” I suggested, squeezing his hand. It wasn’t as warm as usual; the cool temperature of his skin surprised me, but I didn’t show it. I squeezed again and he silently agreed, turning off the truck and unbuckling his seatbelt.

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