Page 11 of The Infinite Light of Dust

“Let’s get some air before you clean this mess up.”

I tugged on his arm and gently pulled him from the couch.

“Did something happen with you and Elodie?” I asked him, another attempt to gauge what he knew and didn’t.

He sighed as we sat on the edge of the half-demolished porch. His eyes were small compared to the strong bones of his face, and his cheeks were more sunken in than they had been the last time I saw him. His pupils were blown out from the alcohol and thin red veins filled the usual white of his eyes.

“Something’s been happening . . . lots of shit. But now I’m here and I thought we could figure it out together. She’s different now. I don’t know what changed, she used to be so happy and carefree but now she’s full of stress and always worried about shit. Instead of me, she’s focusing on work, the baby—”

I stopped him. “Sheshouldbe worried about the baby, and so should you. Instead of coming home and getting drunk you should be spending time with your wife and figuring this shit out together.”

“She wouldn’t even fuck me, man. She’s acting like she doesn’t know me.”

I dropped my head into my hands. He couldn’t be fucking serious.

“Let me get this straight, you came home”—I looked into his eyes, forcing him to keep eye contact with me—“and immediately tried to have sex with your pregnant wife who hasn’t seen you in months, and from what it seemed like, you guys hadn’t been on good terms—”

“What do you know about that? What did she tell you?”

“Nothing, you just did.” No way in hell was I going to tell him a word about what Karina had told me about the two of them fighting on Skype lately.

“Hmph,” he said.

“You know damn well that most people don’t get home and rush right to the fucking bed. Especially in this situation—it’s fucked up that you put that pressure on her.”

“She’s my wife.” He defended himself with a snarl.

“Exactly. So why the fuck aren’t you respecting her?”

Phillips sat on my words for a few seconds before he spoke. “I don’t know? I just wanted to touch my wife and she freaked out, not getting why I got pissed, and acting like I’m a goddamn alien or some shit.”

“Give her time,” I told him, ignoring the fact that his wife was clearly in love with another man and we would all have to figure out what the fuck was going to happen with that.

He closed his eyes again and tilted his head to the porch ceiling.

“This time feels so different, Martin. This was my third time coming back but it feels at odds this time, and not from the booze. My head is all over the place, like I don’t know where I am or who anyone is anymore. Even you.”

This was more like the man I knew and cared deeply about. Being over there and then coming home is like being in a car wreck. One minute you know exactly what you’re doing, where you’re headed, and then you’re suddenly back and everything is upside down, body mangled, thoughts scattered like a broken windshield, mental scars for the rest of your life.

“That’s normal—well, not fucking normal for regular people, but for us, it’s normal. You’ve barely been back for twenty-four hours, and no matter how many times we go, it doesn’t become normal. It never will. A little bit of us dies each time. I’ve tried to accept that, and it’s made it easier, but give yourself and your wife some grace.” I bent the truth—nothing made it easier except Karina, but that wasn’t what he needed to hear right now.

“On top of that, you didn’t have a family or any responsibilities except keeping yourself alive before. Life is different now, you’re different now, we all are.”

Phillips’s shoulders began to shake, and he started to dry heave. He was crying hysterically within seconds, and I did my best to comfort the man I once knew.

It took a few minutes to convince him, but he eventually agreed to let me take him to my place so he could get some real rest and give Elodie some space. He fell asleep on the way there, and I practically carried him into the house. He mumbled something about bloody hands as I helped him lie down on my couch. I waited a few minutes until he was snoring to make my way back to Karina’s.

Chapter Seven

Karina

Elodie’s body curled into a ball on my bed made me instantly burst into tears. I didn’t know what—if anything—had happened, but my nerves were so tight and Phillips was obviously drunk as hell, so it couldn’t have gone well.

“Hey.” I went to her side as my brother moved past me, getting to her first. He lifted her up, pulling her onto his lap. Their physical contact didn’t bother me, maybe because of the stress we were all under, but it didn’t feel as weird to see it as I had imagined it would. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his hoodie, her entire body shaking with silent sobs.

“Did he hurt you?” my brother asked her.

I held my breath.

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