Page 48 of Secret Twins for the Orc

I am trying, Rhokar, she’d said, and her voice had sounded broken and unsure, I’d never heard her sound like that before. I don’t have a manual. And I’m doing it all alone.

She’d said she hadn’t wanted to do it alone, and I’d probably made her feel even more so.

Suddenly the strength in my shoulders loosens, and I feel shame coursing through me.

Olistaire takes immediate advantage, and before I know it, I’m pinned to the floor once more.

I can tell he knows he’s right by the way he looks down at me, but he doesn’t press the issue. Instead, he pats my chest once, stands, and offers me a hand up.

I take it, and face him, both of us breathing heavily.

“So, do you want to be a father, or not?” he asks.

I scowl and look away, afraid of the burst of emotions that overwhelm me at that question. “Yes.”

“And do you want Ella?”

More than anyone. More than anything.

I continue panting as I clench my fists. It almost hurts, how much I want her. “Yes.”

“So go and fucking get her.”

Why is that more terrifying than any of the alternatives?

Chapter 18

Ella

I haven’t seen Rhokar all week.

That’d be because I’ve been hauling ass directly to the portables on site since Monday, too agitated and unsure of how I even feel, to know how I’ll deal with the confrontation of seeing his face.

Avoiding him feels like a necessary shield, a way to protect myself from the chaos he brings to my emotions. I’ve got enough going on with my babies being here now, with settling us into this new environment and schedule, to want to complicate things further by reaching out to contact him, and I haven’t heard so much as a peep from him. I could text, or call, or appear at the office…but maybe I don’t want to be the one to initiate. Maybe I want to see if he wants this enough to make the move himself.

Also, I’m a coward.

I’ll admit that I’m a little bit apprehensive of what will happen next—largely because I’m still not sure what I wantto happen next. I see-saw between hoping Rhokar will bridge the gap forming between us, and then suddenly being surer than ever that he should absolutely leave me alone, that I need the space to collect my thoughts and figure out my emotions.

Because disregarding myself, even the idea of what’s best for the twins remains elusive to me.

Should I reject Rhokar outright? Keep his volatile emotions, and the uncertainty and stress they bring, far away from my children? But, no. If he wants to be our lives, I would never deliberately separate him from his babies. Despite what faults he may have, he isn’t a bad person.

Would it be better if we settle on a cool but friendly co-parenting relationship, where it would be easier to control things and keep everything civil and stable?

Should I take that chance, take that terrifying leap, and allow him into my heart? Give us the opportunity to see if we really would work well together in the long run, as a complete family unit?

Even more terrifying, would he even want that? I know what he said in the heat of the moment on Saturday night, but what if he doesn’t think he can trust me anymore after Sunday morning?

If he thinks that, then…then I wouldn’t want him anyway. Someone whose opinion is so easy to sway without allowing for an explanation? That’s not the level of maturity or stability that I’d want in a partner, to father my children.

Unless it was just his own fears bubbling out of him, and now he’s simply stuck in the same purgatory of indecision as me? In which case I couldn’t say I don’t empathize…

Jeez!

I power down my computer and stare out the window, watching as the sun begins to set behind what’s left of the construction machinery outside.

It’s nearly six in the evening, and once again, I’m the only one left working. I have the twins booked until the last available slot at seven every day just to be safe, although I do my best to swing by Gossamer Wings and pick them up from their caretakers earlier whenever possible. They’re only a fifteen-minute drive from the office, so I usually make it before then.

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