Page 82 of Beautifully Devoted

“Knew what?”

“That you’re in love with him.”

I take a bite of one of the sandwiches as I chew that idea over, washing it down with a sip of Gatorade when it hits me that he’s right. “Yeah, I am. But when you accused me of that the first time, I really only loved him as a friend.”

“What changed?”

I chew that over with another bite since I’m not sure of the answer and come up empty. It’s not like Jagger wasn’t already the most important person in my life before we added sex to the mix, and we did say we’ve probably been dating a lot longer than either of us realized. Maybe nothing changed, except that we got brave enough to be honest.

“I’m not sure anything did,” I tell him. “Guess you called that one correctly.”

“Will you tell that to Cruz when he gets back?”

“Why?”

“So I can collect my winnings.”

I slam my fist into my chest to avoid choking on my last bite. “You bet on whether I was secretly in love with Jagger?”

“Not just you. But yeah, I said you two would be dating before Halloween. He picked Christmas, although he thought you’d just be fucking, not dating.” Liam shrugs and chomps on his apple like it’s totally normal to bet on when people will hook up.

“What’d you win?”

“You really want to know?” The mischievous smile he’s wearing suggests that I don’t, but since it’s his bedroom antics that led to my current situation, I’m wondering if maybe I do.

“Hit me,” I say.

“Have you ever heard of a Magic Pussy?”

I have to pound my chest for the second time in as many minutes. “What are… You’re gay, what do you need a Magic Pussy for?”

“That’s what Cruz said.” Liam frowns in a way that makes him look both disappointed and bewildered. “But just because I’m not interested in a real one doesn’t mean I wouldn’t enjoy a toy that mimics it while Cruz is—”

“I get it.” I swallow half the Gatorade bottle to soothe my dry throat.

“You asked.” Liam shrugs.

“I’ve gotta go make sure Jagger eats.” I grab the plate and head for the stairs.

“Hey, you never told me why you guys got excused from practice.”

“That’s a longer conversation. We’ll tell you when everyone’s here.” Plus, the delay will give me time to talk to Jagger and find out what he wants them to know.

Jagger

It’s been several hours since we left Coach’s office, but the shame of losing my shit in front of him and Cam hasn’t faded.

Logically, I know that’s nothing to feel ashamed about, but my mind and body and emotions aren’t on the same page right now, so I’m experiencing a whole bunch of weird shit. Like how I’m both exhausted and wired, which are two things that shouldn’t go together, yet I feel them both equally.

Christ, seeing Cam’s picture under that note was terrifying.

I literally cannot remember what life was like before I met him, and the thought of something happening to him, something that might take him from me… It cripples me even now, like a ripple of a stone hitting the water, it just keeps going and going and going.

It hasn’t really stopped since I first opened that envelope. The adrenaline spike that took me from scared to pissed to scared again in the span of thirty seconds was physically exhausting. Even though I was sitting, it had me alternately vibrating with fear and fury. That part I’m not ashamed of. Realizing my dad still has some sort of power over me, after I’d stood up to him the day before no less… That’s what broke me. Emotionally.

For over a decade, Cam’s been my rock, and when he gets threatened and needs me to be strong for him what do I do? Lose my shit.

I knew I was going overboard with the freak out. I could feel the panic spreading from my chest to my limbs with every heartbeat, each one getting progressively louder until the heavy thud was all I could hear. But I couldn’t shut it off even though my brain was, ironically, unaffected.

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