Page 20 of Beautifully Devoted

“No idea. I didn’t make a move or anything, just asked myself if I could see it happening.”

“And?”

“And I guess I could. He’s cool. Pretty cute.”

“So, you feel sparks and shit?”

I rub the back of my neck, which suddenly feels uncomfortably hot. “I wouldn’t go that far, but he doesn’t turn me off. Even when he’s practically choking on air. Seriously, it was hilarious. You should’ve seen it.” My chest shakes with the effort of holding in my laughter.

“Oh my God, you’re picturing him choking on your dick.”

“I wasn’t,” I sputter as my neck heats even more, “but now I am.”

“Seriously? I was kidding. And… Holy shit!” He glances at my lap, and the slight bulge under my shorts. “That’s turning you on?”

“The idea of getting a blow job from a cute guy? Duh.”

“I thought Aiden wasn’t your type? That you liked athletes?”

“Athletic physiques, not athletes specifically. And why would you suggest hooking up with him if you didn’t think he was my type?”

“He’s the only single gay guy I know, Camelot.” Jagger rolls his eyes like that’s obvious, but something about that gesture seems off. Like it was forced instead of a reflex. Weird.

“Kitcat, if it was as easy as being single and gay, don’t you think I’d have hooked up with someone by now?”

“How should I know? It’s as easy as being single and straight when we hook up with girls.”

Fuck, he’s got me there. But I can’t exactly tell him I’m not worried about a girl coming between us the way I worry about a guy doing the same, and that’s why hooking up with one isn’t as easy.

“Yeah, that’s fair. I get why you’d suggest him then.”

“You’re really into him?” Jagger licks his lips, and not in the sexy way he does when he’s flirting. It makes my stomach a little queasy.

“It was one conversation.”

“Yeah, but you were just picturing him sucking your dick.”

I was, and now I’m wishing I hadn’t done that in front of Jagger. My best friend has been a little weird ever since. Even if he doesn’t care that I’m into guys, seeing me get excited over one may be too much. Or maybe it’s the idea of me hooking up with someone in our friend group and having things get weird that he doesn’t like—which come to think of it could be a major complication. Still, I have to give Jagger credit for putting an effort toward supporting me. If he wasn’t making an honest attempt, he wouldn’t have suggested Aiden in the first place.

However, none of that has anything to do with me keeping the fact I’m bi from Jagger, and after this, I still feel like I’d made the right decision. If he’s overreacting or overcomplicating things now, I could only imagine how it would’ve been in high school. A part of me wishes that I would’ve kept it to myself still. Then things could be business as normal and not awkwardly charged like they are now.

I can’t take it back though. I just have to see it through.

“Like you don’t picture girls sucking your dick.” I give him a halfhearted shove, just enough that he has to brace his hand on the bed to stop himself from topping over.

“I do that when I plan to make it happen. So, that’s what you want then? With Aiden?”

“I don’t know Kitcat.” I finally let myself meet his gaze, startling a bit when I find it just as uncertain as I bet mine is. “Part of me thinks why not, and part of me thinks that’s a bad idea since we have so many friends in common. Maybe I should find someone else.”

“If you think that’s best.” Jagger bobs his head up and down solemnly, like he reluctantly agrees. “Yeah. Totally makes sense.” Then he hits me with a bunch of rapid-fire questions about toys, which don’t stop until I have his arm pinned behind his back and he hollers uncle.

Jagger

“Set up in our usual spot?” I ask Cam as we head into the empty gym Monday morning.

“Yeah, that’s where the lighting is best.”

I make my way to the far side of the room, where the soft light from the window seems to counter the harsh glare of the fluorescent bulbs in the weight room.

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