Page 91 of The Very First Night

I know I should be more focused on the fact that Jenna actually decked him in the face, for which she deserves a big hug and maybe a nice steak dinner, but I can’t stop thinking about how I just stood there and said nothing. I froze, like a frightened deer caught in the blinding beams of headlights. I was paralyzed, unable to move or think, and now all I can think about is all the things I should have said.

Fuck you, for one.

I can’t help but recount what just happened. As I stand in my bedroom, staring at the blank wall, replaying every word over and over in my head, the tears dry on my cheeks and I am left feeling empty. The sound of doors slamming and voices shouting has died down, indicating that everyone has gone home. But I am still stuck here, unable to shake off the numbness.

I jump at the sound of knuckles rapping against my bedroom door, followed by Tanner’s familiar voice. “Kat? Do you mind if I come in?”

At first I don’t say anything—not because I don’t want him to, but because I’m silently questioning if I even remember the sound of my own voice. It so clearly failed me downstairs, so why would now be any different?

“Kat, open the door, please.”

My hands tremble as I fixate on the sound of his voice. My heart aches to let him in, to feel his warm embrace and the comfort that comes with it, but an invisible barrier holds me back.

The door begins to creak open and Tanner slowly steps through, an ice roller in one hand and a glass of water in the other. I notice that he’s changed, now significantly more comfortable in a pair of gray sweatpants and a tattered old Kent State hoodie. He doesn’t say anything as he approaches me, just sets the water down, followed by the pink roller.

My swollen, teary eyes lock onto Tanner’s as he stands over me. I long to reach out and feel his warm hand in mine, but my body freezes with indecision. My mind races, questioning why I can’t even ask for help when it is so desperately needed.

Luckily for me, I don’t need to ask for him to know what I need.

Tanner kicks off his slippers under the edge of my bed, then climbs onto it and settles against the headboard, his disheveled light brown hair falling slightly into his face. For a moment, he sits in silence, then reaches over to grab my arm. He slowly pulls me toward him until I am nestled beneath his chin, his strong arms wrapping around me in a protective embrace.

And that’s it—that is the moment all of my walls come crashing down. The tears that I had been desperately holding back now flood free. It’s as if his touch has unlocked the floodgates of emotion inside of me and now I can’t cage them back in.

As he holds me close, his lips brush against the crown of my head and his voice whispers in my ear, trying to calm me. But the sobs continue to wrack my body, each one a flood of emotion I can’t control.

“Shhh, it’s okay. He’s gone, you’re okay,” he murmurs against my hair.

He doesn’t let go of me. If anything, the harder I cry, the tighter he squeezes, as if by pure might he can rewind the absolute hellscape this evening has been.

I thought there wasn’t a way Elijah could fuck up my birthday more than by not showing up, but I was so wrong.

We stay like that for a while, Tanner propped up against my headboard, his strong arms wrapped around me as I lay pressed against his chest. His long legs stretch out on the bed, creating a makeshift cocoon. I get the sense he would be willing to stay like this for hours if it means easing my pain. He doesn’t know it, but he is about the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart.

He shifts slightly to the side to grab the pink ice roller off the bedside table and hands it to me.

“What’s this?” I ask.

“It’s an ice roller?” he says questioningly. He’s seen me use Jenna’s on far more occasions than I’d like to admit to soothe my swollen, tear-stung eyes.

I blink at him. “But Jenna’s is blue.”

“I bought you a new one last week. Figured it can’t be sanitary sticking that on your eyes after Jenna does God knows what with it.”

A pained chuckle spills past my lips as I grab it from him and press it to my left eye. “You’re an idiot.”

“Got you to laugh, didn’t I?”

“So he really left?”

Tanner nods, but he looks straight ahead, a clear discomfort surrounding him that I wish so desperately I could remedy.

I hate that while this group—the people in this house—have become some of the most important people in my world, I’ve managed to completely throw off their lives by simply existing in them.

Maybe that was the point; maybe that’s why I came back in time and I just assumed it was to fix things with Elijah. Maybe, after all that pain and effort, the point was that I was supposed to walk the other way and never become their problem.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” I murmur.

“No.” Tanner’s voice is stern, almost angry as he pries his gaze away from the far wall and looks me in the eye. “Don’t apologize for that. That was not your fault, not even in the slightest. I seriously hate him even more for the fact that you’ve been conditioned to think you need to apologize for his actions.”

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