Page 85 of The Very First Night

“Would you ever consider talking to your brother about connecting with your dad?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know, probably not. I mean, I spent over twenty years trying to get that guy to want a relationship with me. So, I’ve just decided I no longer care.”

“Kat, it is completely okay to admit you care. Your ability to care has to do with you, not him. It’s a completely human response and I wouldn’t blame you if you were still curious about him.”

“Well, I’m not,” I snap.

“Understood.” Janet jots something down on her pad of paper. “Are you open to meeting your brother?”

That very thought has recently invaded my mind on more than one occasion. I know it’s not my brother’s fault what our father did, nor does it sound like he even likes the guy, but I can’t shake the lingering resentment over the fact that my dad left me to be Patrick’s dad. Is that fair to Patrick? No, I know it’s not, but it’s the truth.

“I don’t know,” I admit, “maybe. If he asked, I would, but I’m not going to be the one to bring it up. I’ve spent enough time trying for that man.”

“You tried to have a relationship with your father. Patrick isn’t your father.”

I obviously know that—I’m not a fucking moron. Patrick isn’t to blame for anything our father did, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still a part of him. To a degree, he represents him, at least to me.

“I’d consider it,” I respond, desperate to change the topic.

“And what about you and Tanner?” Janet asks.

“What about me and Tanner?”

“How is that going? I know he was an important support system for you over the summer. How has it been living in the house with him?”

“It’s been great,” I say simply. Great is an understatement, but the idea of telling my therapist that one of my best friends has now given me multiple mind-blowing orgasms feels weird. So I keep it relatively neutral. “We’ve been spending a lot of time together. He’s a great friend.”

Apparently, the flush in my cheeks at the mere mention of Tanner transmits to her screen and she fights a smile. “Just a great friend?”

“Yes.”

I have never been this snippy with Janet before. Even during our first therapy session last summer, even when she pried into my relationship with Elijah, I was never this defensive.

I’m just tired of the implication that Tanner and I are more than friends. Jenna does it constantly even though I told her the sex is nothing but an arrangement we made to fill a need. However, the more time passes, the more I find myself questioning if I’m trying to convince others, or if I’m trying to convince myself.

“How has it been since your fight with Elijah? It can’t be comfortable living in a house with someone who hurt you like he did.”

“It’s been fine, actually. He hasn’t been around as much as I would have expected. His dad is up for reelection, so he’s been back in Columbus a lot.”

She nods, making more notes. “That’s good. You seem to be doing a lot better than the last time we spoke, but Kat…”

“Hm?”

“I hope you consider meeting more often than once in a blue moon. While I realize this semester has been a lot less painful than the spring semester, it might not always be like that. Think of therapy as preventative medicine. It’s there when you’re in crisis, but it’s also there to help you through the less hectic days so you can handle the harder ones a little more easily. Everyone can benefit from regular therapy…even you.”

Letting out a sigh, I say, “I know.” Because I do. Despite my invasive desire to avoid my therapist like the plague when I’m not in crisis, if the last few months have taught me anything, it’s that even the most mundane issues can result in needing to talk to someone.

“Thanks, Janet.”

“Of course. And Kat?” She sets her pen down and gives the camera her full attention.

“Yeah.”

“Over the next month, I want you to focus on being kinder to yourself. You can’t change what your dad did, nor can you change what Elijah did. You can only control what you can control. Give yourself some grace. You’re only one person—you are inevitably going to mess up—but if you surround yourself with people who know your intentions…it’s not so bad.”

I nod, really taking her words to heart. “I will work on that, I promise.”

“Good. Well, we are about out of time, so is there anything else you wanted to discuss while you had me?”

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