Page 59 of The Very First Night

Stepping into the student center, I find myself ruminating on memories from this time last year—the day I met Marcus and Tanner, and then, later that evening, Elijah. It doesn’t give me the sense of nostalgia I expected. What used to be a day I remembered with reverence and joy is now a source of anguish and I absolutely hate it.

Had I done things different a year ago, I wouldn’t be in the mess I am now. Then again, I probably also wouldn’t have the friends who have become my only source of strength in recent months. Even if Elijah is a necessary evil in that regard, I don’t like thinking about the fact that all of that was meant to happen. As I find myself wishing I could go back and this time not pursue a relationship with him at all, I remind myself what a horrible idea it was to have come back in time in the first place.

I feel changed, but I can’t put my finger on how. Thinking back on everything that has happened, I can’t wrap my head around the idea of wanting to pursue things with Elijah again so badly that I managed to bend the laws of physics. I mean, time travel? That’s next-level pathetic.

And that’s what I’ve always felt like with Elijah—pathetic. I refuse to let him make me feel that way again.

“So, do you want to?”

Jenna’s voice interrupts my thoughts, causing me to look at her blankly.

“What?”

“Do you want to get food?”

“Oh, uh, no—if that’s okay. I’m wiped. I kind of want to just head back to the house.” Even if what sits back at the house is exactly what has me distracted in the first place.

Maybe Janet was right, and I should find a therapist on campus. I’ve been here for less than two days and suddenly I feel like none of the work I put in this summer was worth it.

Then again, what’s the point if all the hard work of the past three months can be undone by the mere existence of my ex?

I store that thought away for later; I can’t even begin to think about finding a therapist right now.

“Okay. Do you want to grab something to go, though? We didn’t exactly get to eat breakfast.”

After Jenna concocted her excuse to get me out of talking to Elijah, we all but sprinted out of the house. I didn’t even have the opportunity to grab another piece of bacon—I’m still wearing my sleep clothes, for crying out loud.

“Sure,” I say.

We walk into the tiny convenience store inside the student center, each grabbing a twenty-ounce pop and a bag of chips. Breakfast of champions, even if it is sure to wreak havoc on my stomach this afternoon.

As we make our way to my car, my mind instantly travels back to this morning with Tanner. That should have been weird, right? I should have felt weird about that—but the more I think about it, the less weird it feels, and I am almost positive that isn’t normal. Friends don’t cuddle like that, and friends certainly don’t press their boners up against their friends while they’re sleeping and then act like it’s just another fucking Saturday morning.

Or maybe they do, I’m not sure. Admittedly, Tanner is the closest male friend I’ve ever had. Maybe people do that, but I know that we can’t. Things like that could potentially derail our friendship, and he doesn’t see me like that—and it’s not like I’m in the place to get involved in anything anyway.

“So you and Tanner,” Jenna says suggestively.

For the love of God—is this woman a witch?

“Been playing with those tarot cards again, Jenna?” I laugh, intentionally ignoring the question.

“What?” Her forehead furrows. “No. Well, yes, but this has nothing to do with it…why? Were you thinking about him?” She raises her brows, a bemused expression on her face as she stares at me.

“Nope.”

“You’ve always been a horrible liar.” She grabs my arm, jerking me to a stop. “Oh. My. God. Did something happen between you guys after I left last night?!”

The smile that spreads across my lips is inescapable. “No.”

“Liar!”

“I’m serious, nothing happened. We fell asleep watching Community, that’s it.”

“He slept in your room?”

“Yeah.” When the confirmation leaves my lips, Jenna squeals with delight. “It wasn’t like that, we just slept. Although, we might have woken up cuddling and I might have…felt something.” I whisper the last two words, partly because I can’t think about it without my cheeks flushing, but also because I am prepared for Jenna to freak out entirely and I would like to avoid that.

“Oh my God! You felt his dick?!” she all but screams—right in the middle of the walkway, causing not one but two people to stop dead in their tracks to look at us. Jenna’s mouth hangs open—then, as if she suddenly becomes situationally aware, she looks around and steps closer to me. “Okay, but…how was it?”

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