Page 51 of The Very First Night

He should be here.

“Hey, Kat.” The same male voice from before attempts to soothe me as the panic sinks its claws into me.

“Kat.” Another masculine voice carries to my ears, but I don’t respond.

“Hey.” A comforting hand lands on the side of my cheek, forcing my head upward.

My vision blurs, and my fists clench as I struggle to catch my breath. Tanner’s eyes are fixed on mine, his brow furrowed with concern. His calm demeanor is a stark contrast to my panicked state.

“Can you breathe with me?” he says softly, following his words with slow, deliberate inhales and exhales. His strong palm shifts from my cheek to my shoulder.

“Kat, look at me,” Tanner demands, and, to my surprise, I listen. “Breathe with me. Inhale for four seconds.” I watch as he demonstrates before doing the same. “Then out for four.” He exhales and I follow suit.

We continue this rhythm for an unknown amount of time. As I focus on my breathing, my hand on my chest moves up and down at a steady pace. My racing heart gradually slows, matching the rhythm of my breaths. The tension in my body melts away gradually.

“Are you okay?” Tanner asks, the pinch in his brow far from gone as he holds tightly to my shoulders.

I don’t give him reassurance; I simply ask, “He left, didn’t he?”

Tanner swallows as he stares at me, and I watch as he struggles to respond. Finally he nods, causing a tear to break past my waterline.

“Are you okay?”

I shake my head from side to side, and his eyebrows furrow in concern. He pulls me into an embrace, his strong arms enveloping my body. The pressure of his hug should make me feel suffocated, but instead, I feel a sense of peace wash over me. I close my eyes and take in the scent of his cologne as he holds me tightly.

Tanner whispers against the top of my head, so quietly that only I can hear. “No one would judge you if you left. You don’t have to stay. I get why you would want to, but if you can’t…we get it.”

It’s as if he can read my mind, because the moment I look around at the sheer quantity of people crowded around me, waiting for the band to take the stage, I know with certainty that I can’t stay here.

I don’t know what will help, but this isn’t it.

When I nod, he squeezes me tightly for a few seconds before releasing me. The lost warmth of his embrace leaves me feeling chilly despite the heat.

“Go get some rest, okay?”

I nod again, backing away and heading toward my dorm building. I don’t bother finding Jenna to tell her I’m leaving; I don’t even wave goodbye to Brendan, who stands beside Tanner with a worried look on his face.

I just leave.

After I step into my empty dorm room and shut the door behind me, I collapse against the wall. Tears stream down my face as I try to catch my breath, a flood of emotions crashing over me. My knees give way and I sink to the ground, cradling my head in my hands.

This is it—I am finally alone and the dam breaks, releasing every emotion I’ve been holding back.

These past couple weeks.

This entire school year.

Probably the future too.

Everything hits me at once.

At first, I think I’m hearing things as the door that connects mine and Jenna’s bedrooms creaks open, so I don’t look up. It isn’t until she slides down the wall to sit beside me that I look at her.

“What are you doing here?” I ask through strangled sobs.

She stares at me, a pained expression that I can’t quite place persisting for a split second before it morphs into an equally pained smile. “Tanner said you might want some company.”

And in this moment, I’ve never valued him more.

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