Page 142 of Wanted Beta

But this is an obsession, a distraction, a poisonous habit.

I let myself believe I was doing what I had to do.

Because I had to do it that first time.

There was no other choice.

It was sink or swim.

Try or die.

Instinct kicked in.

I had to get that money.

My mother was dead, and I needed enough to pay for her burial and to keep myself alive until I was old enough to make rent money working a real job.

That’s what started my addiction.

Other things kept it going.

The rush of winning.

The thrill of the risk.

It was no longer about survival, and it hasn’t been for a long damn time.

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t lie to myself, and I can’t pretend it’s for the sake of my pack.

We have savings. We have other resources. We can do things the right way.

I dial Enzo’s number, because I don’t know what else I can do.

He picks up in two rings. “Gio?”

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I can’t trust myself, Enzo. I need you to be lead Alpha.”

He’s quiet, enough that I wonder if the call cut off.

Then, he speaks. “Come home, and we’ll talk about it.”

“I’m serious. This isn’t a debate.”

“I know. Come home, Gio. I need to know you’re okay.”

“I don’t want to get in the way.”

I know Beth is there, and Jack is spending time with her.

The way I feel right now, I don’t want either of them to see me.

“Come to the back door in the alley. We can talk in the pantry, and I’ll keep our guest busy so you can slip into the apartment after. I don’t want you out there while you’re feeling lost. You need to come home. Straight away.”

His tone gets stern at the end. He’s not kidding around.

He never cracks a joke. Maybe he doesn’t know how.

I might be forgetting how, too.

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