Page 119 of Caught from Behind

“But he…understands in a way I never thought would be possible. And he’s patient and sweet and…he sees me. Me—not me with vodka being the life of the party, not me trying to fix the world, not the hurt little girl, but all of them and none of them and…he just sees me.”

“Isn’t that the best feeling in the world?”

I nod. “It really is.”

She smiles. “I’m glad you have it.”

“Me too.”

We fall silent, listening to the wind in the trees, the rustle of the needles, the crunch of the snow.

“On a serious note?” she asks a few moments later. “Should I stop with the mules?”

“I—” I exhale, heart squeezing because, God, I love my best friend. “I’m not abstaining exactly. But…I came unglued, Novs. From a five-minute interaction with my dad. I had all of these feelings I thought were long gone—but really were just there, right beneath the surface, ready to explode out and ruin everything.”

She hugs me closer.

“And all I wanted was to not care—to forget what happened with my mom, with him after. To forget what he so clearly thinks of me now and how cold his eyes were that day.”

“Honey,” Nova says. “God, I’m sorry?—”

“It’s infuriating,” I whisper. “He’s not my dad and hasn’t been for a long time. But seeing him like that with his replacement family and—” My eyes sting, but I don’t let the tears fall. I’m done with crying over a man who can’t be bothered to love me as he should.

“And,” she says, “it tore open all of those old wounds, let the feelings free.”

I nod. “I couldn’t cope, so I avoided you. I knew you’d see. And I didn’t tell Knox or Riggs. I just…” I sigh up at the sky. “I tried to find some reality where I felt like them—cold, unaffected, distant. But it didn’t work, anyway, and because of that, I hurt Riggs and I hurt Kit, and…I hurt you too.”

“I’m fine—” she begins.

“I was a jerk. And then I drank enough to turn into the worst version of myself. And I pulled a disappearing act.” I shake my head. “Something I gave you a hard time about, if you remember.”

Her smile is wry. “Oh, I remember.” Then she touches my jaw, expression softening. “Just like I remember how you got my head out of my ass with Lake and now I have more than I ever thought was possible.”

“I’m glad you have that.”

“And now you do too.”

I swallow hard. “If I don’t fuck it up.”

“I kind of think, considering all you’ve told me, that you and Riggs are going to be good, honey.”

I want that to be true, and my heart is full, knowing Nova believes in me. But…

“Think of this as just another problem to solve with your patented Ella magic,” she says. “You’ve already begun figuring out all the moving parts, studying which pin to push, how to put the pieces together so everything fits right. It’s just that the problem is inside your head and heart for a change instead of someone else’s.”

My lungs inflate on a sharp breath. “Novs?—”

“And, all of that aside, I’ve known you for long enough to know you, honey. You may fuck up every once ina while—like the rest of us mere mortals—but you don’t make the same mistake twice.”

“Except for wanting my dad to be different,” I say quietly.

Now her smile is sad, so fucking sad. “That’s not a mistake, Ells. That’s called being human.”

I scowl. “Well, I don’t like it.”

Now she grins and all those ragged parts inside me smooth out. “Every once in a while you have to come down out of the clouds.”

I groan and shove her lightly. “Rude.”

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