Page 71 of A Forever Kind of Rancher

“She loves me,” he said. “I love her. I love her and I just... I imagine... What if I lose her? What if I mess it up?”

“Yeah. That’s scary,” said Kit. “It’s damned scary. I got Shelby pregnant, so I kind of had to figure it out, didn’t I?”

“But now you aren’t scared.”

“Shit, dude, I have a baby. I’m scared all the time.”

“All the time,” said Jace. “We don’t even have kids.”

“What?”

“Why do you think I broke up with Tansey? The first time. The last time. I’m never breaking up with her again, but it was because I was terrified,” said Flint. “We had it hard.”

“So hard,” said Chance. “You never get over having someone in your family die like we did. Not really.”

“Hell, I closed off all my feelings. My hope of anything. I didn’t believe in miracles of any kind. Because that belief failed me when Sophia died,” said Jace. “Which was why I didn’t see that Cara was a miracle. She was another chance to find that kind of hope again.”

“Shelby and I have both been through loss,” said Kit. “She loved her husband. Chuck was a great guy. I know she would’ve loved him for the rest of her life. I also know that life is just... It can be merciless sometimes. But she got to love him for the amount of time she had him. Just like I got to love Sophia while she was here. And I will love Shelby, I’ll love our son. No matter what. No matter the cost. Because it’s worth it. It just is. Loving people has only ever made us better. So even though it hurts, we cling to that.”

“But you’re not...afraid?”

His brothers laughed. “Hell no. When you care about things life feels high stakes,” said Chance. “I love Juniper more than anything else in the world. I’m not worried I’m going to mess it up, because it drives me. No, I can’t guarantee anything. But she’s the reason I wake up every day. My life changed because of her. And I don’t regret a damned thing about it. I never could. I would never live a life where I didn’t love her.”

“But I just thought that if I loved her, and made her life better...”

“I would never live a life where she didn’t love me,” said Chance. “It’s hard. When you’ve been through the kinds of things we have, it’s really hard to accept the fact that you can’t protect yourself. Because if you do, you’re just living half a life. You gotta let her love you. You could have her, you could have stepkids, and kids. You can have a house full of love.”

“It’s just...it’s so much easier to be a martyr about it.” As he said it, he knew it was true. “To just tell myself I have all these responsibilities to people. To call it that is not love. To call it that and not... I don’t know what to do about how unfair the world is. I don’t know what to do with Buck leaving. With Sophia dying. I used to have hope, and it didn’t get me anything so now I do things instead of feel them. I’m just trying not to grieve the losses I’ve already had. And trying not to ever earn any more grief.”

“It’s okay to grieve.” That came from Flint. “It’s another expression of love.”

“It just feels risky.”

“It is. But you have to ask yourself, what’s life without risk? We are bull riders. We’re a fucking metaphor. Accept it.”

He laughed. “I don’t think I’m actually all that brave. I’d rather throw myself on the back of a bull than... Than let myself hope. And have that hope get destroyed.”

It was too vivid in his mind even now.

That burning bright certainty he’d had that Sophia would get better because the world couldn’t be that cruel.

And then it was.

“But hope is what it’s all about. I read that somewhere. Faith, hope and love. Without them, what’s the point?”

He couldn’t answer that. He didn’t know what the point was without Wendy.

He needed her.

He needed her, and that was the truth.

And maybe that was the miracle. Nothing else seemed as terrifying now. Nothing but not having her. After living that way for all these years, he’d thought it was the safe thing. The easy thing.

But he wanted more now.

Looking around at his brothers, he thought more just might be possible. Maybe everything was.

Maybe that was healing. Maybe that was the miracle of love.

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