Page 69 of A Forever Kind of Rancher

But she wasn’t in love with him, and she was clear on that. She wasn’t in love with him, so it felt...it felt not painful in that specific way.

He looked up from the mug of coffee in front of him and half waved.

“Hey, Wendy.”

“Hi. Looks like you got your truck fixed.”

“I just got a new one. I mean I traded it in.”

That sounded like Daniel. Why fix what you had when you could just trade it for something new?

They were different that way. It was sobering to realize. All the ways in which she had ignored this.

“I want to see the girls,” he said.

“I’m not keeping them from you. I realize it might feel that way because I left. But you go this long without seeing them all the time.”

“I know that. I know I’ve been a pretty shitty partner and dad. I mean, there’s not even anything to say about what kind of husband I was. I don’t know how to explain... But it was like I had two lives. And it just felt easy. To go from one to the other.”

She almost laughed. “The sad thing is, I understand what you mean. It’s just that I had a different life than you. But I pretty much felt like a single mom while you were away, and I kind of enjoyed the time to myself. I didn’t think about you much when you were gone. And I thought that was healthy. To not miss you. To not be clingy. I realize now that maybe there was just something missing.” She chewed on the next couple of words for a long moment. “I did want to be with someone else. I just didn’t do it. I let that make me feel superior to you. But the truth is, my heart wasn’t with you the whole time. And I’m not saying that to be hurtful or cruel.”

“I know,” he said.

“You know what? That I’m not trying to be hurtful?”

“I know you want someone else. I know you and Boone... I know there’s something between you. There always has been.”

And then she felt ashamed. He’d known that the whole time, and they never talked about it. All the things she and Daniel had never talked about. They hadn’t had a marriage. They were roommates with kids.

“I’m not accepting responsibility for your behavior, and I want to make that really clear. But we were not good together. We didn’t fight. We weren’t ever toxic. The most toxic thing that happened was me breaking your headlights. But we shouldn’t have been married. I thought because we didn’t fight, because you weren’t cruel to me, that there was no reason to leave you. But we weren’t in love, Daniel.”

“I loved what we had,” he said, and he did sound miserable.

“I believe you. I did too. In a lot of ways. But there was something... We can have more. You’ll find somebody someday that makes it unthinkable for you to be with anyone else. Someone you feel passion for.”

“I guess I don’t understand what that means. I wanted you. And that was real. It always has been.”

“Just not enough to not want other people.”

It didn’t hurt her feelings; it didn’t make her feel insecure. She had a man who wanted her in that deep, all-consuming, specific way. She didn’t need Daniel to want her that way. Not now. It would’ve been nice if he had when they were married. More than nice. It would’ve been right. But that ship had sailed. And she’d moved on.

“I’m not with Boone, I would like to make that clear. It’s not happening right now.”

“You want it to.”

“I do. I’m in love with him, Daniel. And I have been. I mean, I guess not really, because I didn’t let myself know him well enough to have called it that when you and I were married. I tried very hard to protect our marriage.”

“I didn’t,” said Daniel. “I’m sorry about that.”

“You didn’t. But I can’t be mad, not about that specifically. I’m mad that you tricked me. I’m mad that I had to find out the way I did. But we were never much for honest conversations. So it had to get to a place where it came to that, I guess. I’m sorry. I don’t think you were all that smooth. I just let you get away with it, because I wasn’t paying attention.”

“You were a good wife, though. I just didn’t want to be a full-time husband. It’s as simple as that, and I convinced myself I didn’t have to be because what you didn’t know wouldn’t hurt you.”

“I know you didn’t want to hurt me. I actually know you’re not a malicious man.”

“I don’t know if I feel all right about you being with Boone.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter what you feel. I have slept with him. Just so you know.” A part of her, a small, mean part, enjoyed the bit of shock and hurt in his eyes. “He doesn’t want to be with me, though. So don’t worry about it.”

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