Page 30 of A Forever Kind of Rancher

“I had kids with him,” she said.

“I know,” he growled. “Do you have any idea how much I hated that? Knowing... Knowing just how tied to him you were. Your girls are great, don’t mistake me. And I’m not saying that I should’ve been a husband or father or anything like that. But I am saying... Damn, honey, I wasn’t gonna go here. I wasn’t gonna touch you.”

“You still haven’t.”

“I’m going to, though, you know that.”

“It was inevitable. From the beginning.”

“Maybe I should thank him. For being the one to blow it up. Because we don’t have to.”

She shook her head. “We wouldn’t have.”

“Are you sure? Because I’m not. You’ve been here two days. And here we are. Being just a little too honest.”

“You made me a sandwich.”

“So?”

“Yeah, I asked myself that same question. Why should that matter so much? Why is it so damned impactful that a man is showing me basic concern? Because it’s what I’ve been without. Because I had a marriage, but just the framework of one. We were business partners, and sometimes I think we liked each other. We had sex, and it was fine. I gave myself to him when I was nineteen, and that was just that. I thought I had to stick with it. Because I didn’t want to be pregnant and alone. Because I didn’t want to have the life I grew up with anymore, and I didn’t want that for my kids. I sure as hell wasn’t gonna blow it up just because I wanted to tear some other guy’s clothes off.”

“I want you,” he said. “I want you, and I understand that you don’t want me.”

She was immobilized by that. “What does that mean?”

“You’re attracted to me, but you don’t want it. You don’t want me to take your clothes off. You don’t want me to kiss your lips. You don’t want me to taste every inch of you. And you sure as hell don’t want me inside you.”

She couldn’t breathe. His words were tracing erotic shapes through her mind’s eye, things she was never going to be able to unseat. To un-imagine.

“I don’t understand...”

“Because if you did, you’d be across this room already. Because you know what’s holding me back. It’s you. I cannot be part of hurting you. And I cannot be part of taking advantage of you, and I sure as hell can’t have you thinking you owe me. And it doesn’t matter that I know you’re attracted to me. I know something is stopping that from becoming want, because if it was want, then the want is on both sides. And it would be enough to push us together.”

“I have the girls. And I just think that if...”

And she knew that it was a lie. The moment those words passed her lips. Even thinking about whether or not it was smart and all of that, it was just excuses. She didn’t want to get hurt. She didn’t want to get burned by the intensity of the thing between them. She had discounted common sense once for a man, and ended up married to someone who had never been faithful to her. So this was all about fear. It was one thing to want Boone when she couldn’t have him. It was quite another to have him and contend with what that might mean.

With where he might fit into her life, or with where she would want him to fit into her life even if he didn’t.

But she knew one thing.

That she had fifteen years’ worth of complicated regrets. Like trying to pick broken glass out of a piece of cake. And she just didn’t want any more of that. There had been good things about her marriage. Even though she was hurt by it now. Even though it wasn’t going to last forever. Even though it was over.

She had her girls. She had some work experience. She would find a way to use the things that her marriage had given her. Even as she moved forward without her husband.

But she didn’t want Boone to be a regret. Not anymore. He’d been one, deeply, for fifteen years. And that was what she didn’t want. More than anything. More than she wanted to be protected. More than she wanted Boone to be a safe space. And yes, when she had first shown up at the house, she had maybe wanted safety more than she wanted him. For a minute.

Because it was wonderful to have him remove the burden. Wonderful to have him give her a place to stay. Wonderful to have him carry her bags.

But she would leave. She would leave in four weeks, just like she’d said, and she would start fresh on her own. But she would know. She would know what she’d been missing all this time, and he would be resolved. She deserved that. She needed it.

“I do want you,” she whispered.

She took a step toward him, her heart pounding. Nothing was stopping her. And she was giddy with that. Giddy with a sense of freedom and wildness.

And it was like years had been lifted off her shoulders. Not just the years of marriage, but the years that had come before it. The years of feeling like she had to be good. Better. To avoid ever stepping into the trap of poverty again. To avoid food insecurity and homelessness and all the things she had grown up so terrified of. The things that had shaped her. And yes, they had made her strong, but sometimes she was just so tired of being that kind of strong. She didn’t want to do it anymore. And he made her feel, in that moment, like she could just be. Like there was nothing but now. Because there were three hours until she had to go get the girls from school. Because her wedding rings were gone, and her vows meant nothing. Because he didn’t look at her and see somebody who deserved to be treated like less because she had been through something difficult.

Because he had listened.

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