Page 110 of A Forever Kind of Rancher

Now she wanted more. Stupid Zack Camden.

And looking at him, at the blank expression on his face, she felt like he wasn’t going to give it to her. Not now that he’d made her want it. Not now that he’d made her see.

“I think we need to stop now, Gracie,” he said, the words so loud in the silence of the room.

She closed her eyes, fought against the pain that was ravaging her chest. Like a pack of wild dogs.

“I take you don’t just mean we need to stop having sex for the night.”

“You know what I mean,” he said. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You weren’t supposed to get hurt.”

And neither were you.

She left the last part unsaid, but she knew it was true. He was more worried about his own feelings than hers, she would bet a lot on that.

Not that it fixed anything, really. Because the end result was the same. Except these feelings, love and all that, weren’t just pass or fail.

It wasn’t all about the end result. It was about all the things that had happened on the way. It was about the fact that she was happier with the person she was now, than the person she’d been the day they met.

Even if right about now everything hurt like a son of a bitch.

There was some clarity and real change in there, too. And later that would matter. Later. Right now everything sucked.

And for the first time she felt embarrassed to be naked in front of him.

She moved away from him, turning her back to him to shield herself. At least her skin. Futile, since he’d seen it, and she’d just revealed everything on the inside. But it made her feel slightly protected, and she needed a little protection right now.

“I know that’s not what you intended,” she said. “Hell, Zack, it’s not what I intended, either. You don’t fall in love with a random hookup who lives across the country. There are rules about those things. And I know that. Even though this is the first time I’ve ever actually done anything like this, I know that. But you and I have never followed the rules. You drew me a picture, and I sleep with you all night. You told me about your past, and I told you about my parents. You broke a vase in my apartment and I didn’t even care. You make me swear. You make me...want. And none of that is supposed to happen. None of what’s happened between us makes sense. It’s not normal. We’re too different, you’re too screwed up.”

She looked over her shoulder, back at Zack, who was lying on his back staring at the ceiling.

“It shouldn’t have happened like this,” she said. “But it did. So I’m going to say it one more time, Zack. I love you. Like...really and truly. You’ve changed me in a hundred different ways, and even if we don’t end up together, I’ll never be able to go back to my life and live it the way I did before. You broke me. Like you broke the damn vase. I can’t put it back together and have it be the same.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, after a lot time. “But I can’t, Grace. More than that, I don’t want to. I don’t want you to love me. I don’t want to love you. I... I watched my wife grieve this horrible thing that no one should ever have to go through, and I didn’t help her. I couldn’t help her. I just locked myself up and lived in my own grief. I’m not meant to be the other half of a couple. For too many reasons to list.”

“Is one of them that you’re a damn coward? Clinging to the past when what we have is completely different?”

Zack pushed into a sitting position and got off the bed. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Sure, I’m a damn coward, because I know what it’s like to have your heart ripped out of your chest. I know what it’s like to try to keep living when you have nothing but a bloody hole left where it should be. Forgive me for not wanting to try again. Forgive me for feeling done with it. You’re right. We’re too different and it’s not because I’m a cowboy and you own pantsuits. It’s because you think love is some wonderful, happy thing that I should want to have.”

“You’re the one who told me that it was better than success, Zack. Better than perfection.”

“If you can keep it. Grace, I hope you have it all someday. A husband and kids or even just a job that makes you delirious with glee. Whatever it is that’s going to make you excited to get up every morning. That’d be great. For you. But I got my shot. And it ended in...it’s the worst nightmare you have as a husband. As a parent. To watch your wife hurt beyond healing. To lose the child you’re supposed to protect. It’s a nightmare, Grace. The worst possible way it can all end and that’s how it ended for me.”

Her heart tightened, her lungs compressing. “Zack... I won’t even pretend to know what you went through. And I’m not trying to belittle it. I’m just...” A tear rolled down her cheek and she didn’t bother to wipe it away. She didn’t care if she was an ice bitch now. She didn’t even want to be one. She wanted him to see how she felt. That for her, this was worth the pain. “I can’t understand why a man with so much to offer the world, a man who could have so much, doesn’t want anything for himself anymore.”

“I can’t,” he said, his voice raw. “And I can’t explain it much better than that. It’s just that... I can’t do it. I can’t risk that pain. I can’t even... I can’t even imagine it. I don’t want to. I don’t want this at all.”

She nodded slowly and got off the bed, her hands shaking as she walked out into the living area, collecting her clothes. “Okay,” she said, shouting into the bedroom. “That’s...” She turned and saw him standing naked in the doorway. She lowered her voice. “I don’t understand, Zack, and I won’t even pretend that I do. But one thing I do want you to know before I go.”

“What’s that, baby?” he asked, the tone in his voice so sad it nearly killed her.

“That I love you. Still. And even if you can’t find it in yourself to give it back, I want you to know that there is still someone who wants to give it to you. Who loves the man who’s been through the nightmare. I want you to know that you’re not done changing the world, because you changed mine. Because your artwork is amazing, and I know it’s changing people. That your success is deeper than you think it is. And that’s it.”

“That’s it, huh?” he asked, his eyes blank.

“Yeah. Except... I love who you made me. I love you. Again. Because it should end that way. Not with anger. But with that.”

She dressed silently and grabbed her purse off the table by the couch. And then she walked out of the suite and into the hall. It was as far as she made it before her knees gave out.

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