Page 167 of Exodus

“Not at all. It’s yours.”

I glance over to where Dominic’s Camaro sits and back to him. “Do you really believe that?”

He pulls a cigarette from his pack. “You were the only one who loved it as much as he did. Title’s in the dash.”

I nod toward his cigarette. “You should quit that.”

“So I’ve been told, a thousand times,” he says on an exhale, his tone thawing by the second.

“She’s beautiful, Sean, really.”

“Yeah.” There’s nothing but pride in his voice. “She is.”

“I’m glad you found...” I shake my head, a blush of embarrassment threatening as he exhales a cloud of smoke past my shoulder. My fingers itch to trace the small scar where his lip ring use to lay. “Well, I should probably”—I hitch a thumb over my shoulder—“I have to be somewhere.” We both know it’s a lie, and his telling hazel eyes call me on it, “and thank you again for this, it means a lot but...mostly, I just really wanted to see you...it’s been a long time.”

He nods, his gaze dropping to his boot as he stomps out his cigarette. “It has.”

“I wanted to reach out so many times—” my voice starts to shake when I sense his hesitation. “I just...I couldn’t...come home without...I just, I’m so glad you seem to be doing well. That’s so good.”

Do not cry. Do not cry.

I let myself get one last long look at him and let out a shuddered exhale. “It was so good to see you; take care, Sean. And thank you,” I say, lifting the key.

“You too,” is all he says as I back away and grip my bag, rolling it away from him while burning the memory of him into my mind one last time.

Legs shaking, I make it to the Camaro as the sun slips back behind the clouds, as if mocking me. Peering inside the car, I steady my breaths and grip the handle before I open the door. The smell alone has my eyes watering.

“You might be trouble. But you’re still more. A lot more.” The rumble of his voice has me glancing over my shoulder toward the road so he can’t see me break with his words. I don’t look up as he walks over to where I stand, frozen on the side of the car. Lungs burning from the sobs I’m tamping down, I keep my head turned, my gaze averted, knowing I won’t be able to look at Sean again without letting him truly see what I’m feeling.

He brushes the hair away from my shoulder as I fight the onslaught of emotions his gentle touch causes. How many times had he touched me this way? Visibly shaking, I white knuckle the door frame to keep myself from buckling.

“I just . . . really wanted to see you.”

“Can’t do that if you aren’t looking at me.” He gently takes my chin in his hands and turns me to face him, and my tears spill in rapid succession. In his eyes, I see the remnants of the man who looked at me not so long ago with nothing but adoration, love, lust, and longing. I see it all in those seconds, the love we had, the love we distorted, our friendship, our season together—my golden sun. So much to say, and the fear I may never get it out, that he may never want to hear it.

“I still think about you, Cecelia. It’s impossible not to.”

Unraveling, I bite my lip to control my shaking jaw. I still feel so much for this man. But this is the part I swore I’d let myself have, let myself feel, let myself confess. I owe it to both of us.

“I can’t tell you...” I let myself get swept away by his gaze and the vulnerability he’s allowing me to see. His eyes are swimming with our memories, more than that, with love. He’s giving me more precious seconds, and I can’t for the life of me look away or deny his gift. “I-I-I ...” I swallow. “Me too.” The floodgates open, and emotions overwhelm me. Sean was the first man I ever truly loved, and one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever known. “Are you happy?”

He gives me an easy nod, even with his eyes brimming with emotion. “So fucking happy, Pup. I am.”

“G-g-ood. I’m so...I just, I never got to say goodbye,” I choke out. “I never got to say goodbye and—” I sob in my hands briefly and feel his arms surround me. “You were my best friend, more than that, so much more. Everything got so fucked up, and I just, God, I missed you for so long. You were my first love, and I loved you, Sean. I really loved you. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Fuck that,” he murmurs, pulling my head to his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I never reached out after it happened, I’m sorry I let him get between us, that I wasn’t man enough to...I blamed you, but it was easier. I fucked up too. But I was so...lost, so fucking lost.”

“I know,” I whisper, “me too.”

“I never wanted you to hurt, I hope you believe me,” he whispers to my temple.

I nod, gathering my fragments and ash and trying my best to get it together. “I do. And if you’re happy...that’s all I want.”

“I’ve got a wife I don’t deserve and two beautiful kids I never, ever thought I’d be capable of loving the way I do. I named my boy after Dominic, and the little bastard acts just like him. It’s a curse, but I’ll always have a piece of him,” he drawls, his voice laced with regret, and longing. “Just like I’ll always have a piece of you”—he strokes my back in the soothing way I’ve missed for so long—“And you will always have a piece of me.” He pulls back and cradles my face in his hands.

“But I can see it. You still haven’t let go. You have to let go so you can get your happiness too. You were never to blame. Never. And I know if Dominic could, he would tell you the same. It was his decision. And he loved you.” I nod and nod as he wipes my never-ending tears. “I regret a lot of shit from back then, a lot, but I don’t regret you. I loved you then and now, and I always will.”

Our eyes lock as a part of me rips while a larger part of me heals. I feel the first stitch and the sweet relief that comes with it. He leans in and presses his forehead to mine, our pained breaths mingling. “Deep down, even though I have everything I’ll ever want, more than I could have ever expected for myself, some part will always wish it was me.”

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