Page 118 of Exodus

“He wrecked you.”

“I know. And when I saw him today, I swear to God, my whole body lit up. I didn’t imagine it, Christy, none of it.”

“And did he feel the same way?”

“Even Ryan said he felt it.”

“He said that?”

“Yes.”

“So, I’m guessing after six years he still holds a grudge because you slept with his brother?”

Lies, all lies I told in lieu of the truth I can never confess.

Even so, part of me thinks that’s some of the reason why it was so easy for Tobias to keep his distance and let me go.

“What are you doing, Cecelia?”

“I don’t know,” I say as the day catches up with me. I picture Collin in our house, staring at the wedding invitations I left stacked on the table. Tears gather and fall at the thought. I can’t imagine what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling.

“What have I done?”

“You threw your life away for a man who doesn’t at all deserve you. Babe, a better friend would have you admitted.”

“I know it seems crazy, but I have to see this through.”

“Go back to Collin. He’ll take you back.”

“I told him the truth.”

“You what?!”

“I had to.” And today was all the proof I needed. It was there. Healthy or not. It was there, everything I felt for him, and I can’t deny it. Especially now.

“Jesus, Cecelia. What did Collin say?”

“He hung up on me. And I don’t blame him.”

“What a shitshow. Look, I know I was joking, but are you okay?”

“No. No, I’m not. But what am I supposed to do? I can’t continue living a lie, and that’s all I’ve been doing. It’s not fair to either of us and today...I got my answer. Not that it’s the one I wanted, but it was there. It was still there. I hate that I’m still in love with him. I hate that being within feet of him had the same effect on me.”

“Do you want him back?”

“I don’t want to love him,” I whisper hoarsely. “Stupidly, I thought...”

“Thought what?”

“I thought I would see him, and my adult brain would kick in and reason with my stupid heart.”

“That you would see him differently, and it would put your feelings in perspective?”

“Exactly.”

“But that’s not what happened.”

“No.”

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