Page 10 of I Love a Good Challenge

I didn’t expect to move here and have to prove I’m a good man. I somehow always thought that if I was a good man—if I could make the world better—the gnawing in my gut that tells me I need to try harder would quit. I didn’t anticipate feeling an even stronger desire to prove myself—to prove that I’m nothing like my father, who tended to live on the wrong side of the law. Becoming a lawyer was supposed to tip the scales, balance the books, and help people in as many ways as my father wronged them. My mom raised me to be a man I’d be proud of. I’ve tried to honor her. And while my father’s choices still keep me up at night, now they are accompanied by the reflection of animosity in Lily’s eyes.

But I’m here to stay. I like the quiet pace of this town. I want people to get to know me. I’m ready to plant some roots here. I’m less than an hour’s drive from my mom, and the train runs into the city. Even if I feel like my soul is limping every time I see that blonde ponytail in my peripheral vision, I plan to make Birch Borough my home.

Besides, I’m rooming with my best friend, Rafe, until the wedding. We’re living the life. Just two early thirty-somethings, one heartbroken and one ready to take on the world. How could moving here have been a mistake when he found everything he ever wanted?

I finally catch sight of Sparrow and Rafe in a dimly lit corner of the old church. They must be waiting for the choir to finish rehearsals. Even from afar, they look more in love than ever as they sit next to each other. Rafe holds a guitar on his lap. He’s singing softly to Sparrow, who is looking at him like he’s her whole world. I remember that feeling. I want that feeling again. I’d give anything to know what it is like to have someone look at me with eyes that see beyond the collected persona I present on the surface. While I dated plenty of women before I met Lily, no one made me want to give up everything to love them. Women tend to quickly get bored when they realize how reserved I am, or they ghost me for someone a little less analytical.

Or they reject me because I’m not a Frenchman. I peek over at Sparrow and Rafe again and can’t help but grin. Once, a few months after moving here, after seeing Sparrow occasionally on my previous morning commute, I decided to try to kick off my dating life again. I approached Sparrow on a train platform in Boston. I asked her out and tried to sell her on all my good qualities. She rejected me because, as she declared, “You’re not French.” Ironically, she found her Frenchman in Rafe. Surely, if my friend found that kind of love, I can find it too, right?

The first time I noticed the lily tattooed on Sparrow’s wrist, I realized how deeply Lily had dug herself into the soil of my heart. Because she is in everything I see now. Everything I feel and every dream I have, she’s stamped her name on. If they could ever sell a stain remover pen for the stains that plague our minds, I would invest immediately.

I knew I needed Lily in my life from the afternoon we met, but she must not have felt the same. While I immediately valued her independent spirit, it ended up being the very thing that tapped into one of my biggest fears—being useless to those I love. I’d hoped she would need me as much as I needed her, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

The worst thing that has happened isn’t Lily breaking up with me. It’s knowing in my bones that no woman will ever live up to her in my heart. She pushed me away, and I shouldn’t want her—need her—and yet every part of me knows that I do.

The cold from the stone wall starts to sink through my suit as I wait. Participating in a wedding when you’re single and looking for love is already its own kind of challenge. Being in a wedding with the woman who rejected you while you wished she would love you back is a nightmare.

∞∞∞

“Okay,” Sparrow says from her little perch on the stone stairs leading up to the altar where she and Rafe will exchange their vows in a few months. “We just wanted to gather the two of you here to see where we’re getting married, of course . . .” she continues.

I glance over my shoulder toward Lily in the row behind me. She hasn’t spoken to me yet. Her presence feels like a necktie that needs loosening. My fists clench at my sides for the effect she still has on me. Her hair is pulled up in her signature ponytail, a sight that makes my heart beat faster and drives me nuts. The way her grey eyes catch the soft light filtering in through the windows of the church is enough to drive a man wild. Forget the dimple that always plays at the corner of her mouth. I see it, even though I know she’s doing her best to avoid acknowledging me.

“And that’s why you two will be the glue that holds this wedding together.”

I startle, suddenly aware that I’ve just missed key information. Distracted by Lily, I don’t know what Sparrow just said. I’m trained to be on the case, to remember everything said in the court of law. But right now, I’ve got nothing.

“Are you okay, Graham?” Sparrow asks.

“Yeah, George,” Lily adds with a hint of mischief in her tone. She stands and moves to my row, the hair on my arms rising in response to her nearness. My attraction to her hasn’t dimmed, even in the heartache. She knows me enough to know I wasn’t fully present a moment ago, which means the dimple sighting was because she knew I was about to choke—a rookie move on my part.

“I’m . . . fine, Sparrow.” I’m proud that my voice doesn’t waver but less proud that I’ve made Rafe raise his eyebrows with a knowing look directed my way.

“I know it’s a lot,” Sparrow continues softly. “But we just can’t think of two people we’d want to be a part of our day more than you two.”

I feel sweat breaking out on my forehead. I have no idea what she means, but for this couple, I know I’m all in.

I don’t feel I’m familiar enough with Sparrow to call her by her nickname, Rory, like almost everyone else. I notice she strictly calls me Graham, though, unlike Rafe, who has his own private nickname for me. Once, he and I were in line for some overpriced tacos at a restaurant in LA. An actress from a Hallmark movie was in line as well. (I didn’t know it at the time, but I looked her up later that night.) She told me I was handsome enough to be a lead in the movies. In fact, she wanted me to act with her during her next leading role. While flattering, I know my face showed my level of alarm. There was no way that I wanted to be the poor guy in the city who got dissed for the girl who ended up realizing she belonged back in a small town with a man who wore flannel.

Rafe thought it was hilarious, though. Ever since, he has called me Hallmark Hot G on his phone, caller ID, everything. One of these days, I will snatch his cell and change it back.

I don’t really mind. Rafe and I are like brothers. In the past, I’ve always felt like the odd man out in my friend group. I couldn’t explain why. Rafe is the steady person in my life. He pushes me away from getting stuck in my holding patterns, which typically involve isolating myself. We may know how to push each other’s buttons, but I’d do anything for him, including being in a wedding with the Lily, the woman who blew up my idea of love. By now, I know he knows that, although I had once asked Sparrow out, someone else has stolen my heart.

I just wish I hadn’t lost it in the first place.

I pull myself back into the present moment. As I look between Sparrow and Rafe, I feel Lily’s heavy gaze on the side of my face. I swear she mouths, “Can’t be you. Anyone but you.”

If I look her way, she’ll pretend there is nothing between us. How she can ignore our history so well should send me reeling. We bantered while we—or I—fell in love, but this is different. It’s like she’s channeled any hint of affection for me into pure animosity, and I’m over here trying to behave like her hostility doesn’t crush my heart a little more every time.

My usually level head is spinning.

“And, Lily,” Sparrow continues, “you’ll be helping even more at the café since it’s wedding season.”

“Of course, my people,” Lily grits out.

“Okay, well, Graham, I just wanted to make sure you are okay with helping us with some of the extra details for our wedding preparations. Since Rafe has to be in Nashville soon, as you know, having you here to handle it alongside Lily will be perfect!”

Rafe grins as Sparrow’s eyes move between Lily and me. It feels like a trap. I’ve walked into the lion’s den. The sense that spring is a time of renewal just got shot to pieces. But I can’t crack. I can’t give Lily another reason to feel like she has the upper hand. From the corner of my eye, I see her tap her foot. I feel her willing me to say no to whatever we’ve been circling, but I decide to hold my ground. I raise my chin and set my jaw. The transformation from amusement to concern etched on Rafe’s face should be enough to give me pause, but it only makes me more determined to solve this problem. While I knew I’d be the best man (I may have teared up when Rafe asked me, while blaming the cold air, of course), this sounds like I’ll be filling in for Rafe’s duties occasionally while Lily fills in for Sparrow’s. This will force a new proximity with Lily that I haven’t dared to let myself comprehend. I’ve heard that the only way out is through. So, I will myself to move forward.

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