Page 9 of Chemistry: The Chemist

“Yeah, that emotion every thought of your mother fuels you with. The reason you look the other way when any woman of your caliber is looking your way. The reason you get your dick wet without giving a name or any indication you truly exist other than a clogged toilet from a flushed condom.

“The reason you don’t have a single number in your phone that will lead to a night of unrestricted, unintentional fun. The reason your love has been distributed, in unhealthy amounts, to your sisters. The reason you bury your emotions and pile their gravesite with business dealings, meetings, and whatever else will make you forget they exist.

“The reason you spend more time lapping the pool and in that fucking lab than you do with yourself. You’re running from something that will outrun your smart ass every fucking time. You and that damn Milo.

“Books are no substitute for grief. It will hunt you down and gut you like a fish, eventually. And when the time comes, you’ll need more than your sisters’ love to revive you, stuff you, and stitch your wounds.”

“A grandson. I can give you that, Richie. A partner, a wife, I make no promises.”

“I’m not asking, Chemistry.”

My eyes cut in his direction, and for the first time, I made it clear his order held no relevance in my world.

“An heir, you’ll have, Richie. My heart is not part of a business arrangement. It’s off-limits. No business of yours. Your request, it won’t hold space in my court. I’m dismissing it. Just so you know.”

With a grunt, he dipped his chin to meet his chest, peering up at me. I was four inches taller than him. His six-foot-one frame was no match for my near six-foot-six resolve.

“Your mother,” he repeated as he sucked the skin of his teeth, completely disregarding everything I’d said. “She was a ball of fire tucked away in the most gentle being one could ever encounter. That’s what I loved about her. That’s what makes it so difficult for you to justify the anger you feel for her. That’s why you have such a disdain for women. You can’t trust them. Just as you couldn’t trust your mother. As beautiful, as gentle as she was… she was troubled. Inside, that pretty brain of hers was tarnished. You couldn’t see it. Her illness wasn’t visible, but it was there. You see her in every woman you encounter. For good reason. But, let yourself grieve, son, so you can free yourself of the shackles her death has–”

Stopping briefly, he sipped from the bottle of water in his hand.

“The fire.”

“What fire?”

“The fire within your mother, it will be the characteristic that leads you to choose your mate. Your wife will be beautiful, but she will be hell. There will not be much that is gentle or sheepish about her. She’ll be a force to be reckoned with and you’ll love her beyond your understanding.

“Beyond anyone’s understanding. She’ll be the first and she’ll be the only woman you’ll ever love more than your sisters. More than your brothers. More than… even more than your mother. She’ll be yours. And, you’ll know it the second you see her.

“Without a doubt, if death becomes the result of loving her, you’ll leave Earth a happy man. Just like me. Just like him. Just like your stepfather. Just like Maurice.”

“Richie–” I paused to look him square in the eyes. “I never knew you to have such a vivid imagination.”

“I never did.”

He responded, taking off ahead of me and leaving me to think about all he’d just said.

“Hmph.”

A frustrated grunt rocked my body.

Foolishness, I concluded.

Years had consumed me and so had my journey toward healing. I hadn’t yet mastered it, but I was making strides, no matter how small the steps were.

Rather’s degree was to credit. Therapy once a month was as much as I could stomach. Though it wasn’t nearly enough to unpack the weight of my mind, it made the load lighter.

Schizophrenia

Noun.

A mentality or approach characterized by inconsistent or contradictory elements.

“Don’t bullshit me, Rather.”

“Chemistry. Don’t insult me.”

“As if that’s not what you’re doing he–” Pausing to collect my thoughts and silence the words swarming my brain, I chuckled. “Fuck it. There has been a mistake of some kind.”

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