Page 132 of Chemistry: The Chemist

“For what, baby?”

She was clueless. She hardly understood the magnitude of her influence.

“For everything and nothing. For your presence. Your patience. Your light. Your love. Your energy. Your fearlessness. And for fucking with a nigga like me.”

“And thank you.”

She peered at me through the mirror with a smile. We were alike in a lot of ways, one being the way we felt the need to reciprocate the praise given because we didn’t want the spotlight shining too bright or the flaws would begin to show. The day she came to terms with her flawlessness in my eyes, she’d grow comfortable with my ovations.

“Nah– thank you.” I countered. She continued, eyes never leaving mine.

“For your attentiveness. Your attention to detail. Your delicacy. Your gentleness. Your curiosity. Your willingness to explore. Your ability to love even when the capacity was limited. Your vulnerability even though it’s hard. Your wisdom. Your— Everything. If I had the chance to do this all again, I wouldn’t change a thing, Chemistry.

“Not about you, about me, or about us. You bring me so much joy. So much happiness. So much adventure. I’m not sure what my life was without you, but it must’ve been hell. Because in some strange way, it feels like you’re my slice of heaven.”

“Niggas like me don’t make it there, baby,” I reminded her.

“But, you must know what it’s like because you’ve created it for me in the midst of all the flames.”

I didn’t try to elude her or the feelings the moment birthed. Rather had forbid it. Those days were over. I was ready to step fully into my role as Eden’s partner and that started with the difficult conversations, ones that were unbearably uncomfortable and packed with emotions.

“Admittedly, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, saying, or even feeling right now. What I do know is nothing has ever felt this way, or made me feel this way. I doubt I’ll ever feel this shit for anyone else, again. My father is dying of cancer and before he takes his last breath, I promised I’d produce an heir.

“That hasn’t come to fruition and even if it does, our child wouldn’t enter this world before he leaves it. Time isn’t on my side, Eden. Before he goes, I want to make you my wife. I’m not asking for it to be tomorrow, next week, or even next month. But, before he–”

“Is that why we went to the jewelers last–”

I nodded.

“I’m so sorry to hear– I– I lost my father to cancer. It wasn’t until you appeared that I forgot how good life can be when grief isn’t swallowing you whole. I’m so sorry, Chemistry.”

“Don’t be. It’s life, Eden. You live and you die. Those are the only two sure things life gives us. Everything in between is no guarantee.”

“What about chemo?”

“He’s old, Eden. Chemo would kill him before it could begin to heal him. This isn’t his first battle. He promised if it ever returned, he’d accept his fate. Those toxins nearly destroyed him. I didn’t see him for sixteen months. I remember it vividly because it was the worst year and four months of my life. It was before my mothe—yeah.” I paused.

“Baby–”

“I’ve been given one person, but it feels like it’s at the cost of another. It’s fuck up. This life guts you and then digs your grave.”

“Is that what’s been bothering you? Your last visit with your father?”

“The last few, but the one two days ago hasn’t left me yet. It won’t allow me to rest. Every time I close my eyes, there he is in a casket.”

“I wish there was something I could do– something I could say–”

“You being here right now, Choc, that’s all I need from you. Baby, it’s all I’ll ever need from you. Just stay by my side. I’ve got the rest. Always.”

She stood on the tips of her toes and wrapped her arms around me.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Every time those words left my mouth, a weight was lifted. Eden was my peace. Even in the midst of this storm, she managed to offer some amount of solace.

“In this lifetime and the others,” she responded, looking up at me with a smile.

---