Page 36 of Yours Truly

Deuce lets loose years worth of angst in one sight. “Where are you at with this, because I can’t help if I don’t know what level you’re on?”

I arch a brow. “Level?”

He motions with his hand. “You know, are you still madly in love or, like, you want to exact revenge or, like… you just want to move on but you can’t?”

I narrow my eyes. “Exact revenge?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know, man. You were gone for so long. I don’t know where your head is at now.”

“I’m here,” I tell him. “My head is here. I don’t want revenge. Besides, don’t you think I’m about ten years late on that?”

“Like I said, I don’t know where your head is at. You’ve been going hard for years.” He sips his drink and drops his voice. “Did you going hog wild all start with Cat and?—”

I lift a palm, not wanting him to finish that sentence. “Yes, it started because of Cat.”

“Right,” he continues, dragging out the word cautiously. “That was a long time to still be hung up on it.” The exact reason I told him I’m embarrassed.

“Gee, thanks,” I mutter, sipping my stupid root beer.

“C’mon. You aren’t in the bowling alley with my old ass because you’re doing fucking great.”

I smirk at him. “I like that you just kinda burned yourself, too.”

He sighs. “Talk to me. You want to. It’s why you asked me here. Unless you just want some quality time with me, in which case, great. I’d like to talk and the first thing I want to gossip about is you and what’s up.”

I sift my fingers through my hair, unsure of why I feel nervous and embarrassed. Deuce knows the truth, and he knew what happened all those years ago. Still, talking about it still feels… surreal. I clear my throat, finally brushing off the hesitancy.

“All these years I kept thinking that if I was rich enough, famous enough, talented enough… one day she’d…”

“Come back?” he offers quietly. Something about my best friend using his soothing tone, the one he uses for his toddler son, makes me want to cry.

Goddamn it.

I cough through the lump in my throat, using the “I’ve got allergies, I’m not emotional” cough used by people who hate emotion. “I guess so, yeah.”

“Do you want her back?”

I shake my head. “No. Fuck no. Of course I don’t.” I reflect on the last ten years. “I don’t think I ever did. But I did want her to recognize that I’m the good guy. That she chose wrong. That she was wrong.”

Deuce rests his hand on my forearm, making the backs of my eyes burn with unshed emotion. “She was wrong. You are the good guy. And you shouldn’t need her to tell you that to know it.”

I nod. “I’m realizing that.”

“Oh yeah?” Deuce asks, digging a few bills from his wallet. I smack his hand away, appreciative that the emotional moment has somewhat passed.

“I’m paying.” I scratch at the side of my stubbled jaw, then run a fingertip along the hoop in my nose, thinking. “And yeah. The thing is, I never cared about addressing shit until I came to Bluebell. When I was on the road with Needle Ninjas, I kept thinking, Cat’s gonna see this. She’s gonna realize she fucked up. It’s gonna be so fucking sweet when she reaches out and tells me how much she regrets what happened. What she did.”

“And you don’t want that anymore?” he asks.

I shake my head. “I don’t know if I ever wanted that, I just thought I did.”

“What do you want?” he prods softly.

“I want to be happy.” I face him, exposing myself in a way I never have. “I want a girl. A family. I want a routine. Weekends with the people I love, evenings around a barbecue with those same people. I want a beer to taste good because it’s hot and I’ve worked hard in my yard and earned it. I want to have sex and have it mean something. I want to create art that enriches me, fulfills me. And when I’m in the studio, I want to enrich other people with great art. Fulfill their vision. And I want that all here, in Bluebell.”

“That’s a big epiphany.”

“Nah,” I say, leaning back. “In my heart, since Cat and the bullshit with Tara,” I start. Best I can do to avoid the cringe that comes with an admission so raw is to not make eye contact, so I keep my eyes on my boots. “I’ve known what I wanted for a while. I just… didn’t think I could have it. I thought they broke me or I think I owed karma for what I did to Tara.”

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