Page 124 of Underground Prince

“Vare…” I said when her eyes welled up.

“These were meant to be ‘I’m sorry’ pancake-waffles. I bought Cool Whip, and bananas, and chocolate sauce….” She swiped under her nose. “And now it’s impossible to put you in enough of a sugar coma to weaken you.”

I picked up the Cool Whip she’d left on the counter, looking more like Cool Glop now. “There’s still ample opportunity for you to funnel sweets down my throat. Where are the bananas?”

She pointed, and I grabbed them, unpeeled two, dipped them heavily into the glop, and handed one to her. “How about we start with this.”

“This is a horrible breakfast.”

“Who said pancake-waffles were healthy?”

“I’m a horrible friend.”

I swallowed my bite of ridiculous sweetness, taste buds firing at my first meal in hours. “You’re wrong about that.”

“I should’ve told you the instant I felt something for him.”

Staring at her for a moment, I managed to say, “I don’t think you could’ve. Because you had feelings for him while Cassie was still alive.”

Her banana-cream drooped in her hand. “I—Jesus…” Her face collapsed, the banana flopping into the sink as she bent down, her knees banging on the hardwood. “I am so bad. So, so heartless…”

“Vare, no.” I tossed my breakfast on top of hers, kneeling in front of her. “I am the last person to talk to about controlling feelings. You didn’t do it to hurt Cassie. It just happened. You think I can hate you for that?”

“But your face. Yesterday.”

I grimaced. “Handling things. Coping…those aren’t my best suits.”

She held onto me, her fingers hopeful claws. “You don’t want to tear me limb from limb?”

Barking out a laugh, I said, “No. But is it hard? Yes. This was Cassie’s one guy. She talked about him nonstop. Loved him. So it’s difficult to accept that Noah will move on from that. I know it has to happen, it’s rational and healthy to do. But it’s not…not easy.”

“I’m betraying her by doing this.”

“That’s not—”

“No.” She held up a hand. “It’s what’s been making me nauseous for months. Why I couldn’t tell you. I was ashamed. Dishonoring Cassie’s memory every time I looked at him and feeling this rush. My stomach cartwheeled every time I was told he’d be out with us. I stuttered every second I tried to make conversation with him. I was so scared and excited, but I also knew. I was so aware. And yet I kept going. And I wish I had an answer for you more virtuous than ‘I couldn’t stop,’ but that’s how it was. My blood, my bones, my—” She took a breath. “My heart. I couldn’t let him go despite knowing it was the better thing to do.”

A shotgun couldn’t have struck me harder than her words that moment.

“And that’s why you can hate me. You’ll watch me each time I’m with Noah. But please, know that each time you do, I’ll be hating myself a little more.”

“V—” I was about to start with her name, but that wasn’t enough. There had to be meaning, a profound manifestation of the thoughts colliding in my head. The idea that she and I were so parallel, it never occurred to me. Wouldn’t have, had she not been so bare with me right now, on our kitchen floor.

And what kind of person did that make me?

“I will never, ever hate you.” The words came out fierce. “Not for…healing him. Because that’s what you did, you know that? He’s been aimless this year. I didn’t see him, or talk to him, but I figure he can’t have been any better off than me. Noah walked around with festering open wounds, the memories clouding him, poisoning his nights and days.” I paused. “He was the driver. Until now it never struck me as important because she was dead. She’d cajoled Noah into picking me up. We were on that road because my drunk ass had to go home, and for the life of me, I never thought once in these months that he vilified himself as much—more—than I did. We are some screwed up, fucked up survivors, Vare. But you. You were able to remind him there’s life after death.”

“You mean that?” Her eyes were so filled, they shone.

“Yeah,” I said, surprising myself. Searching for the black hole I could always rely on to fuel my misery, I found none. “I do.”

“Holy shit-fuck.”

I jumped at Verily’s exclamation, but she wasn’t directing it at me. Rather she was focused over my shoulder.

I pivoted around, and Theo stood in our kitchen’s entrance, adorned in his suit pants, but that was it.

“Oh, right,” I said. “Theo’s here.”

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