Page 126 of Daring You

“Leave?” I echo. “You mean, leave as Ben, right? Figure out how to handle Dodge and come back as Ben.”

“No. I was prepared to become someone else. To keep my family out of whatever Dodge might figure out. But he died, and that’s the only reason I stayed.”

“Did…was Dodge’s death…”

“Orchestrated by Aiden? Fuck, no. He hates paperwork, especially the secret government kind. It was a wake up call, Astor. A lucky one. How shaky my life is, and how quickly it can be taken away. I don’t even have to die. I can still lose everything, and I didn’t want to lose you. So I stayed away from you because I thought it was the best choice.”

“You let me hate you. Glare at you across dinner tables. Essentially treat you like shit,” I say.

“I’m human. I got comfortable again, even though I wanted to distance. Your brother’s fucking impossible to shake. He warmed me up, I became convinced I could play pro-ball and be okay, because who was around to threaten me? No one. Dodge was gone, I was protected from afar—Aiden and I didn’t meet again after that—and everything looked golden. Except for you. I figured I fucked things up so badly, it was better to let you despise me.”

“And then your parents’ killers were arrested,” I murmur. “And all the fears came back.”

“There is some good that came out of it.” Ben tries for a smile. “You came back, too.”

I close the space between us, but I’m afraid to touch him.

He lowers his chin and says, “I didn’t use you, Astor. I never have. All I can say is, whenever the worst happens to me, the only good that comes out of it is you.”

“You’ve gone through so much. You deserve some good in your life. I don’t know if it’s me, but…”

“Are you kidding?” Ben catches my hand and kisses my fingers.

“I’m—I’m like they say, a lot of the time. Hard. Cold. Mean.”

He smiles through the spaces of my fingers. “You turn into warm, mushy putty in my hands.”

I laugh uncomfortably and try to pull away, but he holds firm.

“Astor, you’re brilliant, and kind, and you love your family. You were devastated by your mom’s cancer and are still picking up the pieces. But you’re so dedicated to doing what’s right, you were willing to torpedo your life’s work for what? Me? A guy who, for all you knew, used you and might as well have dumped you on the side of the road? That’s not a cold, heartless soul. That’s a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and who she wants to protect. At all costs. And I love her for that. Love you.”

He slides his fingers across my cheek, lightly cupping my jaw. I turn into it and kiss his palm. “I believe you. It’s against my nature to say this, but I should’ve believed you from the beginning.”

“I’m not exactly the picture of a perfect guy,” he says. He tips my chin up. “Maybe it’s you who doesn’t deserve me. I’m still a danger to the people around me. Chavez is still outside—literally—and could figure out who I am.”

“Not if I have anything to do with it,” I say fiercely. “You will stay Ben Donahue and never run away again. Hear me?”

Ben closes his lips and smiles. “I hear you, honey.”

“Don’t ever try to leave,” I whisper. “Not without me by your side.”

He pulls me into his chest. “We’re not going anywhere, you and I. We have family here. Brothers. A baby goddaughter. And we’ll be here to watch those fuckers pay for my parents’ souls.”

I nod into the fabric of his coat. “You did good by them, Ben. Your parents. They’d be proud of you.”

“That’s the greatest compliment you could give. I’d forgotten them for so long, I was sure they’d be disappointed I was choosing Ben over Ryan.”

“You are choosing life over death. And through you, Ryan will always be alive.” I curl my fingers into his lapels and lift up to kiss him. Ben. Ryan.

I love them both.

Softly, he sucks my lower lip. Gently, I graze his tongue with my teeth. It’s a calm, soothing, whole-hearted kiss, and never in my life have I felt so safe. So loved.

I’m proud of you, too, sweetie, I swear I hear my mom say. It’s the first time I’ve heard her voice, so clear, so strong, in much too long.

I break the kiss, leaving enough room for the barest breaths between us. “We’ve both lost people important to us. But we’ve found each other. And I know our parents are looking down on us with peace in their hearts.”

“They are, Astor.” Ben tucks my head under his chin. He kisses my hair and repeats, “It’s through them, we found each other.”

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