Page 10 of To Have and to Hold

“Keep going.”

He remained immobile, but his inhales changed. Then his exhales. He stood relaxed but his chest was pumping up and down in a rapid, tic-tock rhythm.

Eyes rammed closed, I felt my fiancé’s arms around me instead of my own, the comfort of safety, the tightness of love. Warmth would encase me and the tickle of downy hair along his forearms would bring me out of this place and into the bedroom, dark shadows softened by smooth blankets instead. He was my protection in this bitter room and would shroud my soul from the bodily pain that would happen here.

After three attempts with shaking fingers, I unhooked my bra, and with a bowed spine I pulled off my underwear.

My shoulders heaved but I remained upright, unwilling to crumble. He already had me naked, but he wouldn’t have me cowed. At least, that was my stubborn desire—to claw back what I could of myself.

Self-chosen blindness prevented me from seeing what he’d do, but I couldn’t close off my ears without uncrossing my arms, so I heard the shift, the rustle. My molars were at the breaking point, but I wouldn’t scream. Backed into a corner and locked inside a room, I had few options, but this one I could choose. He wouldn’t gain satisfaction from me.

A sound. A low drawl, almost a keening, but it contained too much pleasure to be mine. It was him—he was groaning.

The vomit that swirled in my stomach had me opening my eyes out of necessity and I blinked him into sight, my shoulder blades spearing into the wall. He was close—too close—standing so near I could breathe in his minty scent. The mask was almost to my nose, the black hollows decorating the temples in such a way that a spider could come creeping out of the hole and dance across my forehead.

We breathed the same air. I kept frozen—trapped—stoically awaiting my fate, but inside I was shrieking, and he could absolutely see that in my eyes. The ecstasy he’d behold from that, the pure power he’d feed off.

“What…what should I call you?” I scratched out. Familiarity, make myself a person to him, a human within his capture, and maybe I could have a chance. At this moment, all my life consisted of was chances.

He bent down and I willed myself into silence. My thighs chafed together as they trembled, but he only gathered up my clothing and straightened, pushing the fabric against his nose and inhaling so deep it came with sound. He muttered something against the fabric, his pupil-less stare never leaving mine, but stumbled back. He spun and tore out of the room so fast I had to look away from where he stood, then back, then away again to understand that I was truly alone.

I slid down, dry retching, head heavy on my knees, but the relief would be short lived, I knew.

Because he took all my clothing with him.

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