She pulled back, meeting my eyes. “But will you?”
I looked deep into her beautiful eyes, seeing the swirling confusion and emotion shining there.
“Jordan, I’m telling you right now that I will always, always be here for you.”
Instead of nodding like I thought she would, she pulled away with a sigh. Grabbing our coffees, she headed for the door, where she looked back and said the most dreaded words in relationship history.
“We need to talk.”
With those four words my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. I followed her to the deck, suddenly scared shitless that she was going to say she didn’t feel the same way. That she didn’t feel strung out at the thought of us not being together. That I wasn’t worth the worry and fear she’d experienced.
She sat at the edge of the stairs, looking out over the yard and the garden beyond. I dropped next to her, making sure we touched from hip to knee, then pulled my coffee cup away and entwined our fingers, clasping them like a lifeline.
“Jordan,” I started, but she held up her free hand, halting me. I swallowed hard, scared to hear what she was about to say.
“Nate,” she started, her voice stronger than it had been mere moments ago. “Yesterday scared me to death.”
I tamped down my fear, and my pride. “I know, baby. I’m so sorry.”
She shook her head. “It’s not your fault. It just is what it is.” She was wearing her favorite cutoff shorts, fiddling with the frayed edge. Her face tilted down, watching as she tugged at the strips of material, so closed off from me, it felt like she was a million miles away. “It’s your job and it’s so much a part of who you are.”
I put my hand over hers, stilling her fingers, needing that connection, holding on with both hands because it felt like she might be slipping away.
“Jordan, I can change jobs.” I voiced it as a vow, and I meant every word.
She gave my hand a squeeze and looked at me with a sad smile playing on her lips. “I would never ask you to do that.”
And she wouldn’t because what she said was true. Helping people was part of my DNA. “But you don’t like it.” I filled in the missing pieces for her.
She looked out over the yard, as if contemplating her next words. The best thing I could do was be patient. So, I waited while my heart thumped in my chest and my guts roiled.
I’d listen to what she had to say, then beg her not to go. Because that’s what I was afraid of the most. I could handle the storms and running into a burning building. But I was terrified of her leaving.
Chapter 23
Jordan
Nate’s hand wrapped around mine, as warm as the early morning sunshine bathing those mornings we’d spent looking out over his property. Each day we’d watch the wildlife, talk about his garden, happy and looking for the good in each day. Now though, the atmosphere around us felt desperate, heavy. His leg pressed against me, as if he couldn’t bear us not being connected. And I knew he could feel me pulling away, so he was holding on tighter.
“Nate, last night scared me. But I don’t know if you know all the reasons why.”
I set down my coffee and let go of his hand to stand, taking the few steps down and pausing, turning back to look at him. He looked so sad and forlorn, as if I’d broken his heart. I hated being the reason for that sad look on his face.
I held my hand out to him. “Let’s go for a walk.”
He joined me, and I nestled my hand in the crook of his arm as we strolled through his property.
We headed toward the long fence, our favorite spot for resolving confrontations.
“I nearly lost my dad, and it broke something in me.” It was harder to explain than I expected. “When he and my mom split up, when he had his plane crash, I just…pulled away, because that was easier than facing the pain of the truth.” I looked up at Nate, his jaw clenched as he studied his feet. I tugged his arm to get him to look at me.
“But I realize now that I spent way too many years running from the pain of nearly losing him, and I wasted that time, grieving the dad I once had, when I could’ve been spending that time with him.”
I locked eyes with Nate, letting him see all my emotions, all the pain and confusion. Not wanting to hide from him, not running.
“Please understand what I’m saying. Last night sent me back to that terrible time when I thought my dad had died. I was scared to death. And you called me, acting like nothing had happened. When I’d thought my whole world was ending.”
His jaw clenched, but his eyes swam. He placed a hand on my hip, pulling me close. “Jordan.” His voice was low and rough.