Page 78 of State of Grace

“You don’t have to say anything.” Alexis finally let herself take a full breath. “I wanted to tell you sooner, but it’s not something that I want to talk about.”

“I can understand that.” Blake was silent for a few moments as if she was processing the information she’d been given. “Did you get a rape kit?”

“No.” Alexis pulled back out of Blake’s embrace so she could see her face. No one had ever asked her that, and it caught her off guard to hear the question come from Blake. “I didn’t want to do one.”

“Why?” Although Alexis knew it wasn’t how Blake meant it, the question came out judging, and it cut Alexis to the core. “They could have found the guy and locked him away.”

“Or,” she was on edge, “more realistically, the kit would have sat unprocessed in a warehouse for years, which does no one any good.”

“Or they could have found the guy and arrested him and…”

“And then I would have had to identify him and go to court and deal with him knowing who I was.” Standing up, Alexis put a hand on her hip as Blake scooted to the edge of the bed. “I only saw him for a brief moment. He doesn’t know who I am, and I want to keep it that way. Because he also doesn’t know that Harper was a byproduct of that night, and there is no way in hell that I ever want him in her life.”

“And I completely understand that, but…”

“There are no buts, Blake.” Her voice was angrier than she’d intended it to be. She hadn’t expected Blake to react the way she was, and it was throwing Alexis for a loop. “I never want to know who he is because I don’t want him to know who I am.”

“Look, Lex, I’m sorry. I’m trying to process all of this.” Blake ran her hands through her hair before dropping her hands onto her lap. Her brow furrowed in confusion as she looked up at Alexis. “Wait, why did your mom kick you out of the house if you were raped?”

“Because she doesn’t know.”

“Your mother doesn’t know you were raped?”

“I told you, we don’t have a good relationship.”

“Well, yeah, considering she doesn’t know a huge part of your life.”

“You know what?” Alexis walked back into the living room area as she gathered her bag. She was done with the conversation. Done with Blake’s slightly judgmental questions. “I’m going to go home.”

“Alexis, wait.”

“No, it’s late, and I’m tired, and I need to be alone right now.”

“Lex…”

Alexis shut her off by closing the front door behind her and heading down the stairs. She’d expected Blake to come after her, but instead, she was nowhere to be seen as Alexis peeled out of the driveway. The drive home felt longer than Alexis remembered, and by the time she got home, the only thing she wanted to do was crawl into her bed and cry herself to sleep. In every scenario she’d had of telling Blake, she’d never imagined Blake would ask her those questions.

At the top of the stairs, Alexis went against her better judgment and headed into Sophia and Emily’s apartment. The apartment was quiet, and the only light was coming from the television, which was playing a French movie. Alexis tried to pull herself together enough to throw Sophia off the trail that anything was wrong, but the game of charades was too much. Leaving her resolve at the door, she padded over to the couch and plopped down beside Sophia.

“I wasn’t expecting you home so soon,” Sophia quipped as she paused the movie. “Harper and Emily are asleep in the guest room.”

“Oh, ok, good.” Kicking off her shoes, Alexis pulled her feet up under her as she rested her head on the back of the couch. Sophia extended her half-empty wine glass to Alexis, but she shook her head. “I’ve had enough to drink tonight.”

“What’s up, Lex?” Sophia turned to face her. “Emily and I both assumed you’d be spending the night at Blake’s considering how you two were looking at each other after the play.”

“I thought so too, but then,” she shook her head, “I don’t know. Dumbass me thought it would be a good idea to tell Blake about…everything.” She avoided Sophia’s eyes. “I told her about the rape.”

She could hear the breath leave Sophia’s lungs at the word. They rarely spoke about it; it’d been years since they’d even brought it up. Sophia had been by Alexis’s side from that awful night onward, and she wouldn’t have made it through that time in her life without her.

In the years since the rape, though, Alexis hadn’t told anyone. If people asked about Harper’s father, Alexis always blew them off or said she made Harper herself. Because that’s exactly how Alexis saw it. Harper was all hers. Always had been, always would be.

“Oh, Lex.” Sophia sighed as her eyes softened. “I know that must have been hard.”

“Yeah.” Alexis gritted her teeth. “We were kissing, and it was escalating quickly, and I don’t know. I felt like I needed to tell her before we did anything.” She nervously popped her knuckles as she bit the inside of her cheek. “I had planned out so many ways she might react, but I wasn’t expecting what happened. She started asking these questions about why I didn’t get a rape kit and shit, and that’s not something that she has a right to have an opinion on, you know?”

“I know.” Sophia nodded. “Did you tell her why?”

“I did, and do you know what she said? That she needed time to process it.” Alexis scoffed, although she didn’t know where the frustration was coming from exactly.

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