Page 21 of The Fall-Out

‘A guy can dream, though. I still have that CD you made for me, you know. I listen to it all the time, while I’m driving up to Aberdeen. It helps with the…’ He trailed off with a vague gesture of his hand, like he was trying to grasp a word that wasn’t there.

‘The what?’

‘Loneliness, I guess. I’m used to it now, but I always feel it anyway, when I leave. Like going back to school. Like I’m leaving something important behind.’

His openness – vulnerability, almost – was another surprise.

‘You mean Zara?’

He nodded slowly. ‘Does she ever talk to you about… you know. About me?’

I wasn’t sure what to say. The truth was, Zara didn’t. She only mentioned him with a kind of glib casualness, as if her handsome boyfriend was another accessory to her life, like her Fendi handbag.

Patch took my silence as an answer. ‘I thought not.’

‘She really likes you,’ I said hastily. ‘Anyone can see that. I mean – anyone would like you. Obviously.’

He laughed, but it didn’t sound genuine. ‘That’s sweet. Thank you. But sometimes I’m not so sure.’

‘You could try asking her.’

‘I could. But then I might not like what I heard.’

‘But you should. You should go and talk to her right now.’

‘Only she’s outside having a fag with the DJ.’

Automatically, I glanced up. The decks where Daniel had been standing were abandoned, the music pausing then moving on to the next track.

‘I’m sure they won’t be long.’ And they weren’t. Just a couple of seconds later, I felt a cold blast of air from outside and saw Zara and Daniel re-enter the room. Her face was turned up to his and she was laughing, one hand raised to brush raindrops off her gleaming dark hair. I saw her look around the room, her chin tilted upwards, her green eyes bright as lasers. When she saw me and Patch, her smile faltered, then reappeared even more dazzling than before.

She didn’t come over to us. Instead, she said something to Daniel, her smile dialling up another notch. He shook his head, laughing. She spoke again, inaudible over the music, and took his arm, leading him on to the dance floor, Daniel laughing and protesting as Lady Gaga’s Just Dance began playing.

Zara, though, was doing more than just dancing. Her body was moving as sinuously as water in her sparkling silver dress. Her slim arms reached up to Daniel’s shoulders and she pulled him towards her, Daniel still laughing and shaking his head. Her hands found his hips and she moved him closer still, until their groins were touching, their bodies moving together in time to the music, Zara’s smile unfaltering.

She didn’t look in our direction, but I was sure she knew we were watching. The smile had vanished from Patch’s face and I felt a pang of sympathy for him.

‘They’re just dancing,’ I said, although I knew that from his perspective, it would look like far more than that.

‘Do you have your phone on you?’ he asked.

‘My— yes, of course.’ Automatically, I reached into my bag and took it out.

‘Give it to me.’

I was too bewildered to refuse. I watched as he swiped the screen to life and tapped it a few times, then entered eleven digits and returned it to me.

‘Is that…?’ I asked.

‘My number. “Just” my number. Use it, don’t use it. But I’ve given it to you now. You can tell her if you want.’

But I knew I’d never tell Zara. I took back the phone gingerly, as if it was an unexploded bomb. And then, my fingers fumbling because I was a bit drunk and a bit shaky, I typed in his name. It took me three goes to get it right.

Patrick Hamilton.

NINE

‘I don’t want to go to nursery,’ Toby wailed, almost as loudly as he’d wailed that he didn’t want to go home when I’d picked them up the previous day.

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