Page 85 of The Fall-Out

‘Gabrielle doesn’t know. Sounds like she did Zara a favour and she feels taken advantage of. She had no idea about all the Facebook stuff – her husband’s something in politics so she doesn’t do social media.’

‘So she never saw Zara’s posts about having cancer? But she had her to stay anyway?’

Rowan nodded. ‘She said Zara was in hospital for a minor procedure a couple of weeks back and she couldn’t go to a hotel because of the cat.’

‘A minor procedure?’ Relief flooded me. ‘So not cancer?’

‘Not cancer at all. Nome, I don’t get it. I genuinely have no fucking idea what’s going on here. But I think you do, and I feel like I’m being taken for a mug here.’

I took a deep breath and reached for Rowan’s hand. ‘I’m sorry, Ro. I kind of brought you out here under false pretences. I thought – I doubted that what Zara was saying about having cancer was true. I know that sounds terrible but… after everything we know about her… I just had this feeling it might all be made up.’

‘But everything – the photos in the hospital?—’

‘I know. That’s why I doubted myself. And genuinely, hand on heart, if I’d been wrong, I’d have apologised to her and I’d have meant every word of it.’

‘But you weren’t wrong.’ Rowan’s eyes were bright with tears. ‘I was wrong. We were wrong. We believed Zara. And I behaved horribly to you, Nome.’

I shook my head. ‘It doesn’t matter. That one thing – the thing about Patch and me – that was true. I didn’t know it at the time but it was. And when I said I wanted to apologise to her for that, I meant it – and I still do.’

Rowan covered her face with her hands. ‘It’s all a right mess. The Girlfriends’ Club – things haven’t been the same since she came back and I don’t think they ever will be again.’

‘Come on, Ro. Don’t cry.’ I edged along the bench and put my arms around her. Hugging my friend again was the best feeling ever, even though her shoulders were shaking with sobs. ‘We’ll make it right again. I’m not sure how, but we’ll find a way.’

‘Are you sure?’ She looked up at me. Her face reminded me of Meredith’s when she’d cried after an injection and I’d pointed out to her that it didn’t actually hurt any more.

‘I’m absolutely sure.’ Then I asked, ‘Ro? This minor procedure?’

‘What about it?’

‘What actually was it?’

‘It was removing some haemorrhoids.’

‘What? That woman – Gabrielle – told you that?’

‘She’s French. They don’t get embarrassed by bum stuff.’ She started to giggle, and after a moment I joined her. I wasn’t sure why it was funny, but her laughter was infectious, and soon we were rocking backwards and forwards on the bench like schoolgirls, helpless with mirth, literally crying. When one of us stopped for a moment, we’d catch each other’s eyes and start all over again.

I felt limp with relief, like I’d been hollowed out and there was nothing inside me to support the weight of my body any more. All the guilt I’d been feeling had been washed away, all the fear that Zara might die and we’d have to live, together, with the loss of her the way we were living with Andy’s had evaporated.

The knowledge of what had happened between Zara and Patch was still there, of course, but it felt like a small thing – an insignificant thing, compared to the hugeness of the blame I’d been willing to place on myself and the possibility of losing my closest friends in the world.

I looked at Rowan. The sun was shining on her face and there were tears sparkling on her cheeks.

In a small voice, she said, ‘I’m just so relieved. I feel like the world’s biggest mug for believing her – again – but I don’t actually care.’

‘I’m relieved too.’ I squeezed her hand. Then I looked at her again. ‘There’s something else, isn’t there. That you’re relieved about?’

Rowan nodded slowly. ‘You see, if this wasn’t true, then the other things she said to me aren’t true, either.’

I thought of what Zara had said to me – the seeds of doubt she’d sown in my mind. How her telling me that she’d felt on the sidelines of the group had reminded me of feeling that way, too, making me wonder afresh whether my friends weren’t really my friends at all, and how that knowledge had been eating away at me.

‘What did she say to you?’ I asked.

Rowan blinked back tears. ‘She said – oh God, I don’t know why I even let myself believe it for a second, but I did. She said… she said you’d told her you thought me moving in with Alex would be – you know. Inappropriate. Because of Clara. She said that when she was Clara’s age, her mum had a boyfriend who… you know. Abused her. And that she’d told you about it and you’d said you wondered why I wasn’t concerned about the same thing happening to Clara.’

‘Hold on. Are you saying she said I thought there was something – that Alex?—’

‘I mean, not in so many words. I know it’s not true, of course I do. I know Alex isn’t like that. I mean – ugh! If I had even the tiniest hint of that I’d be calling the police, never mind going out with him and introducing him to my daughter. But the idea that you thought something wasn’t right hurt. It hurt a lot.’

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