Page 73 of The Fall-Out

‘This is kind of awkward,’ I began, fortifying myself with another large gulp of wine. ‘Seeing Zara. I feel like I have to apologise to her.’

I looked at the three faces around the table, watching me silently. Rowan’s was supportive – Go on, Naomi. I’m here. But Abbie and Kate looked more solemn, almost stern.

I felt as if I was a defendant in the witness box, my barrister preparing to let me speak my truth, the prosecution lining up to catch me out in any inconsistencies, and the victim waiting in the background for justice to be served.

‘Is she okay?’ I asked tentatively. ‘I haven’t spoken to her since… you know.’

‘Since you nicked her boyfriend off her,’ Kate said. Her voice was lighthearted, but there was an edge to her words I couldn’t hide from.

Abbie gave her a look that said, Steady on.

‘Is that what she thinks?’ This was getting off to an even worse start than I’d feared. ‘Is it really? Because that’s not what happened.’

Over at the bar, I could see Zara leaning over, chatting to the barman, his smile flashing out at something she’d said.

‘She’s hurting, Naomi,’ Abbie explained. ‘Of course she’s upset. She feels kind of betrayed by what happened.’

‘I suppose she does,’ I said miserably. ‘I never meant for it to turn out this way, but it has.’

Zara turned back towards us, a silver ice bucket in her hands, and started to make her way towards the table. To anyone else in the room, she must have looked like just another attractive woman, maybe more than usually well dressed for a Wednesday evening. To me, she looked like an avenging angel.

She slipped into the free chair, setting the ice bucket down on the table, and looked at me. Her green eyes were like chips of glass.

I took a deep breath. ‘Hi, Zara.’

‘Hi, Naomi.’ Her tone was mocking.

‘It’s good to see you,’ I began. ‘It’s good because I wanted to say all this to you in person, and try and explain. About Patch and me. The thing is, as long as you were with him, nothing would’ve ever happened. I promise. I would never have let it and nor would he, because it would’ve been wrong.’

Zara nodded. ‘And so you had to make sure he and I weren’t together any more, so you could make your grubby little move.’

‘I didn’t!’ I felt my face flame. ‘I liked him. I’m not going to deny it – it would be stupid to deny it. He and I wouldn’t be together now if there hadn’t been something – the potential of something between us. But I’d never, ever have acted on it unless you’d split up.’

‘You must be able to see how it looks, though, Nome,’ Kate said. ‘I love you – we all love you. But, you know. Girl code.’

‘What does girl code say, though?’ Rowan interjected. ‘That Patch isn’t allowed to get together with anyone Zara knows? Or that he and Naomi could date, but only if they waited however many months or years, like a Victorian mourning period? Help me out here, because I don’t understand.’

‘People deserve to be happy.’ Abbie herself looked abjectly miserable. ‘But when it’s at the expense of someone else’s happiness it makes it all… It makes it difficult.’

‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Let’s say I decided I wanted to steal Patch from Zara. Let’s do a whatchamacallit – a thought experiment. Let’s say he had no say in the matter at all, and it was all down to me. Let’s say everything was perfect between them. How would I have done it? Because I know for a fact I couldn’t have, even if I’d wanted to.’

‘You did, though.’ Zara looked at me steadily. ‘You did the one thing you knew would work. Because he wouldn’t have ended it with me any other way. You told him I’d been cheating on him. You lied to get him for yourself.’

I was blindsided – not just by the falsehood of Zara’s accusation, but by the truth that lay so close to its surface. And as her words began to sink in, the injustice of them smarted even more. I could have done what she was accusing me of, months or even years before. Even when my feelings for Patch had been barely more than friendship, I could have told him what I knew, not out of self-interest, but to protect his feelings.

But I hadn’t, because of the promise I’d made to her.

‘Did you, Naomi?’ Kate asked. ‘Seriously? Because that would be?—’

Again, I looked at the faces around the table: Zara’s alight with anger, Kate doubtful, Abbie looking like she might be about to cry, Rowan flushed with rage on my behalf. Suddenly, I didn’t want to defend myself any longer. I didn’t want to do anything that would widen the fault lines I could sense already opening up in our friendship. I didn’t want Rowan, Kate and Abbie to be forced to take sides. I didn’t want me or Zara to be forced out. I wanted things to stay the way they were between us, and I was willing to do whatever it took to achieve that.

‘Stop,’ I said. ‘Please. Can’t we just stop? I’m sorry what happened hurt you, Zara. I really am. And I’m sorry it’s put the rest of you in an impossible position. I never said anything to Patch about you, Zara, and I never would. But that’s not important. What matters is us – this friendship. I don’t want to fuck it up, not for anything. Not for a man. Not even for Patch.’

‘What are you saying?’ Rowan asked, her eyes wide.

‘I’ll end it with him,’ I said. ‘If it’s going to cause a rift between the five of us and that’s what it’d take to fix it, then that’s what I’ll do.’

‘Don’t be mad, Nome.’ Abbie looked like she had just awoken from a dream. ‘That’s just – it’s not necessary. Relationships end. You can’t throw away your happiness because?—’

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