Page 61 of The Fall-Out

‘It’s okay, you go first.’

‘No, you go.’

We laughed, and I felt the tension ease a bit.

I tried again. ‘I wanted to talk to you. Because it feels like things have been weird, and I don’t understand why. I spoke to Patch about it and he said it all sounds like a load of playground drama, and maybe it is, but…’

‘Playground drama’s kind of a big deal when you’re in the playground.’ Rowan’s lips moved into something that wasn’t quite a grimace but definitely wasn’t a smile.

‘Exactly.’ I took a gulp of wine and bit an olive in half. The salty morsel felt almost too big to swallow.

‘The thing is, Naomi…’ She shifted uncomfortably. ‘Ugh, this is horrible, isn’t it?’

I nodded miserably. ‘Whatever it is, you might as well just come out and say it.’

‘Okay.’ Rowan also gulped at her wine, taking such a big sip that it left stains on the corners of her lips as if she was smiling, although she wasn’t. She dabbed her mouth with a napkin. ‘Look, we always knew you liked Patch, even when he was still with Zara.’

‘Guess I didn’t do as good a job of hiding that as I thought,’ I quipped.

But Rowan didn’t laugh. ‘No, you didn’t. And when you two got together – well, it felt kind of inevitable. We were all really happy for you. But we didn’t know…’

‘Didn’t know what?’

Her words came out in a rush. ‘That he’d actually cheated on her with you. And I know he was the one in a relationship and it was on him and it’s all ancient history. But if we’d known at the time, we’d have told you to wait. We’d have said it wasn’t worth hurting a friend for a man. Because Zara was terribly hurt. And if we had – if we’d known, and you’d waited – we could maybe have avoided it all going so horribly wrong.’

‘But I did wait,’ I insisted. ‘Patch and I – okay, there was one kiss. Just the one. I know it wasn’t right, but nothing more than that happened until after he’d split up with her. I would never have let it happen.’

Rowan sighed. ‘Nome, that’s not what Zara says. And – I’m really, really sorry to say this – I believe her. We all believe her.’

‘But she—’ I began.

‘Look, she got into a bad place. She did some bad stuff. It’s just…’ Rowan looked miserably down at her hands, twisting the napkin between them. ‘We never thought you were that kind of person, Nome. I never thought that.’

‘I’m not that kind of person,’ I insisted, my voice sounding high and thin. ‘I don’t know what Zara’s told you, but it isn’t true. Patch broke up with her before we got together. I’d never have done what you think I did. Honest.’

‘That isn’t what Zara says,’ she repeated wearily.

‘But Zara—’ I began, but then I stopped. Even all these years later, it felt wrong to tell Rowan that Zara hadn’t been faithful to Patch, either. Even now, the weight of the promise I’d made to her (promisepromisepromise?) was too heavy a burden to set down.

‘Ro, are you saying you believe Zara and not me?’ The sense of injustice hit me with the force of a wave at the seaside, tumbling me, making it hard to know which way was up and almost impossible to breathe.

‘It’s not really about who I believe.’ Rowan sighed. ‘The thing is, I think we treated Zara unfairly back then. Not just you – all of us. We knew at the time she had a lot going on in her life and not everything she told us was true, but that was all… you know. All part of the same picture. All the trauma from her past.’

What trauma? I thought. The trauma she told you about or the trauma she told me about or the trauma she told Kate…

As if she could read my mind, Rowan said, ‘And I know she made stuff up. But that’s kind of to be expected, when someone’s damaged like that. But she didn’t make it up about her and Patch still… you know. When you…’

I sat there in silence, the accused in the dock, my defence suddenly gone AWOL. The only way I could justify my actions would be to tell Rowan what Zara had been up to, but the promise I’d made to her was one I still wasn’t able to break.

‘I know it was a long time ago.’ Rowan reached over and squeezed my shoulder. ‘It’s just all been a lot to take in. And Zara really needs friends right now. She really needs us. And we – I – we didn’t think you’d be willing to offer her friendship, even now. Even though…’

‘Even though what?’ I took another gulp of wine. The tannin in it made my mouth dry – or maybe it wasn’t only the wine.

‘This isn’t really for me to share,’ Rowan said wearily. ‘But I don’t see how I can not tell you. You’ll find out sooner or later. Zara’s… she’s not well, Nome.’

I almost joked, Well, we all knew that! But I realised Rowan didn’t mean what I would have meant – she meant something else. Something serious.

My voice sounding thin and strained, I began, ‘Are you saying she’s?—’

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