Page 31 of The Fall-Out

I remembered how I’d felt all those years ago – that the friendship between the five of us was in peril, and it was my fault. I felt the same way now, although there were only four of us. Or were there? And if so, which four?

THIRTEEN

‘Daddy,’ said Meredith, clambering on to the sofa next to her father.

‘Daddy!’ Toby followed, taking the other side.

‘Daddy, Daddy.’ Meredith turned the volume up a notch.

‘Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,’ echoed her brother, his voice taking on the high-pitched sing-song quality that cut through my ears the way the whine of a mosquito cuts through sleep.

‘Patch,’ I said, adding my own voice to the chorus.

‘What?’ He looked up from his phone. ‘Come on then, you two. Who wants to see Jackson score against Arsenal?’

The twins couldn’t have cared less about Chelsea scoring a winning goal, but they instantly squealed, ‘Me, me, me!’ and scooted up closer to their father. Patch slipped an arm round each of their shoulders and angled his phone so they could see.

‘Look how he cuts through the defence. Beautiful pass from Fernandez, and…’

Tuning out his commentary, I remembered the first time he’d left me alone with the children to go up to Aberdeen for work, just after his paternity leave ended. I’d tried to put a brave face on it, telling him I’d cope just fine on my own, that his mother would drop in and help and stay overnight if necessary, that he wasn’t to worry.

Then, at the last minute, just as he was zipping up his bag ready to leave, I’d broken down.

‘They’re so little,’ I sobbed. ‘And I haven’t got a clue what I’m doing. What if one of them gets sick? What if I drop them down the stairs?’

When I looked up, I saw his eyes were full of tears too. ‘Fuck it. I’ll stay. I’ll tell work I can’t do being away from home any more. If they sack me, they sack me – we’ll manage.’

I felt a brief leap of relief and joy, but stifled it straight away. ‘You can’t.’

‘I can. You just gave birth – having a tricky talk with work is nothing compared to that.’

‘It’s not just the tricky talk.’ I wiped my nose on my sleeve, glancing automatically over my shoulder to check that the twins were still asleep on our bed, where they’d finally conked out after a lengthy screaming session and a feed. ‘If you lose your job we’ll be fucked.’

‘We’ll find a way. It’s only money. You need me, and besides…’

‘Besides, what?’

He reached out and stroked my cheek, rubbing away a tear with his thumb. Then he sat down on the bed, gently so as not to wake the babies.

‘I hate leaving them, Nome.’

Looking down at him, this strong man next to his tiny son and daughter, I felt like I needed to protect all three of them. I sat down too, and took his hand.

‘Even when I go to the supermarket, I miss them,’ he went on. ‘Everyone says you’ll fall in love with your babies, but I didn’t expect it to be like this.’

‘I know.’ I managed a watery smile. ‘Me neither. It’s worse for you because you have to be away for so long.’

‘Six bloody weeks. What if they smile for the first time while I’m away and I miss it?’

‘I won’t let them. I’ll be the most boring mum ever. If they look like they’re about to try I’ll tell them something really sad.’

He laughed. His vulnerability gave me a confidence that hadn’t been there before – an awareness of the resilience that was there somewhere inside me – at least, I hoped it was.

‘We’ll be okay,’ I went on. ‘Promise. We’ll FaceTime every single night – just let me know what time your shifts are. I’ll take videos of them in the bath and if they crack so much as a hint of a smile?—’

‘You’ll delete it off the recording so I think it’s me that made them do it first?’

‘Exactly.’

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