Page 104 of The Fall-Out

It’s all gone pretty much tits up. I couldn’t carry on living the way I was, running away and pretending and telling people things to make them think I was more special than I am. I’m tired. I’m over it.

I’m seeing a shrink, who thinks I’ve got narcissistic personality disorder or an avoidant-dismissive insecure attachment style or something. He’s going to have a good old rummage into my brain and see if he can figure it out. Maybe he will and maybe he won’t, but God loves a trier, right?

So you don’t have to worry about me turning up at your monthly drinks.

The other thing I wanted to say was sorry.

I don’t know why I did the things I did. Hopefully my shrink will figure it out some day, and if he does, maybe I’ll get the chance to explain. I wanted to be your friend, but then when I was I couldn’t stop myself messing it up. I wanted to be liked, but I did so much to make you all hate me. I won’t blame you if you do.

But maybe, one day, if I’m ever fixed, you’ll give me the chance to apologise in person. I’d like that.

You’re the most amazing women ever and I was proud to be your friend, even if I had a funny way of showing it.

Uh… bye then. Take care.

There were a couple more seconds of dead air and then nothing – just the faint rustle of friction where my phone was pressed against my ear.

I lifted it away and put it down on the table. Kate’s followed it and then Rowan’s and then Abbie’s, and then, slowly, we unstacked our hands.

Without the warmth of Rowan’s resting on it, mine felt cold.

‘So that’s that, then,’ Kate said.

‘It kind of makes sense,’ Abbie mused. ‘I mean, no one would behave like that without some sort of… thing. Disorder.’

‘I’m glad she’s getting help.’ Rowan’s voice was throaty, as if she might be about to cry.

‘I’m glad she’s okay,’ I said. ‘Safe, I mean. I was really worried when she said?—’

‘Goodbye,’ finished Kate. ‘After Andy, I couldn’t have borne that.’

We looked at each other, our faces grave, and together we all nodded. After the loss of Andy, another loss would have been too much to endure.

But then, what choice would we have had? No more than we’d be able to choose to bring Andy back.

‘We couldn’t help Andy,’ I said. ‘We tried so hard. But Zara…’

‘If she ever contacts us again…’ Abbie began.

‘We’ll be here, won’t we?’ Kate finished for her.

‘I mean, we won’t get sucked into her drama ever again.’ Rowan spoke quickly. ‘That won’t happen again. No way. But if she needs us…’

‘If she needed us, we wouldn’t abandon her,’ I said.

Briefly, we piled our hands in the centre of the table again, this time in a different order: Kate’s first, then Abbie’s, then Rowan’s, then mine. And then we moved them away again, like their work was done for now.

‘Wigan, though,’ Kate said. ‘Who’d have ever thought it?’

And we all burst out laughing, just as the last of the sunlight disappeared and the lights of the pub came on.

THIRTY-EIGHT

FIVE MONTHS LATER

The first time I’d heard the knock on the door, it had sounded so strange I’d jumped out of my skin, before walking slowly and tentatively into the hallway and opening the door just a crack, peering out as if I was expecting an intruder before relaxing and allowing myself to step back in welcome.

Now, it was entirely familiar – the rhythm as distinctive as a signature. Tap-tap, tappity-tap-tap-tap. The sound brought a smile to my face and the children dashed down the stairs, their feet beating out a different rhythm.

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