Page 92 of Breakaway

“I’m sure he wants to.” I drag my teeth over my lower lip, considering it. “He’s never tried to pressure me or anything. And we have fun doing other things. But this would be really special, you know? Or at least I hope it would be, unlike last time.”

“Don’t rush, but I think that allowing yourself to have this experience could be an empowering one. Even more so than the other acts of control and reclamation of agency that you’ve engaged in with him.”

“You make it sound better than my roommate.”

She laughs. “That’s what it is, at its core, right? Taking back power. You’re powerful, Penny. The fact that you’ve given yourself so much space to explore your sexuality on your own terms is something you shouldn’t take lightly. The Penny I first met wouldn’t have done this.”

My throat feels blocked up suddenly, but I squeak out, “Thanks. I know. Sometimes I feel the same as I did back then, but then I remember that I’m not. I’m growing.”

She gives me a warm look, subtly nudging the tissues in my direction. She knows by now that I’m as likely to cry because I’m happy as I am because I’m sad.

“It’s almost February 18th,” she says, a careful note in her voice.

“Yeah.” I take a tissue, even though I’m not crying, and fold it into a little square. The first anniversary of the party, I was a mess; I could barely talk through my anger and panic. I’m better now, but that doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to it—even if that date is Cooper’s birthday. If I can manage to get through it without having a panic attack, I’ll consider it a successful day. “I’ve been trying not to think about it.”

“Out of avoidance?”

“More like... out of stubbornness.” I shrug one shoulder. “It’s Cooper’s birthday, the eighteenth. I want to celebrate with him. I’m helping his siblings plan a surprise party for him. I don’t want to be a wreck, you know? And I haven’t had a true anxiety attack in ages. So, every time my mind brings it up, I try to redirect.”

“What coping strategies are you using?”

“Reminding myself that I can control my thoughts. Doing a breathing exercise. Taking a time out and reading for a few minutes instead. The stuff we’ve talked about.”

“That’s excellent,” she says. “But I also want you to give yourself grace if it ends up being hard. I fully support you wanting to make new memories—it’s been working well for you—but this day still has baggage.”

“It’s not fair,” I say fiercely.

“I never said it was,” she says. She leans in, clasping her hands together again. “Penny, does Cooper know anything about Preston?”

“No,” I admit.

“Why do you think you’ve been holding back?”

I shred the tissue into little strips, then realize I’m making a mess, so I ball it into my fist instead. I force myself to meet Dr. Faber’s eyes. “What if he finds out and decides it’s too much to handle?”

“Has he done anything that makes you feel like that’s a possibility?”

“It’s always a possibility.” I fiddle with my moon ring; it’s that or grab another tissue to destroy. “What if he thinks...”

I can’t even say it aloud, but Dr. Faber catches my drift.

“Only you know the right time to tell him,” she says. “But I would encourage you to try to be open about it. Go with your instincts on this one. You just told me that you’re starting to trust him. If you trust him with your past, it could bring you even closer.”

“Or send him away.”

“Maybe,” she says. She reaches forward, covering my hand with her own. “But love is almost always worth the risk.”

Chapter 51

Penny

Coop

All good at the therapist

Finished now

Good girl. I’m out front

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