Page 73 of Tulips and Lost Time

“Oh cool!” he drawls. “You get to pretend to be her white knight. That’s so noble of you, Lenaghan. I’m thrilled for you now that your morals have slipped. I mean… it doesn’t matter that she’s still younger than you, or that her brother is still your best friend. So long as you’ve decided to make a move, then I suppose all is well.”

“You’re thinking like an older brother of a girl you never want to have a dating life.” I nibble on my bottom lip and write notes in our files so we can re-stock the bus before our next call out. “Try coming at this from the point of view of your friend. The one who has been in love with a girl ever since he could remember, but he was honorable and refused to accept her offerings because she was too young to make an informed choice, and he didn’t want to take advantage of a girl too inexperienced to know better. Now she’s a full-grown adult, and Marcus himself admits he doesn’t get a say in who she dates.”

“Cool.” He claps the door of the bus and smirks. “Let me know how that discussion goes when you tell him you wanna bang his little sister. In fact,” he adds playfully. “Let me know before you tell him, so I can pull up a lawn chair and pop some popcorn.”

“You’re being dramatic.” I pull a drawer open and count the contents inside. “You’re making it sound way worse than it is.”

“Alright.” His soft chuckle echoes throughout the bus and into the free air outside. “If you say so. I’m just happy I get a front-row seat to the drama.”

“There’s no drama.” Please, for the love of love, let there be no drama. “It’s under control.”

“There was definitely drama,” Kane snickers, allowing sweet Luna to circle his finger with her fist and twist beneath his hand so she becomes a spinning ballerina. “No way there wasn’t drama once she came home. Kari’s too stubborn to just fall into your arms and pretend all the shit that came before never happened.”

“I’m honestly surprised Kari knew about you and Britt,” Jess murmurs. “She didn’t say anything to anyone else. She didn’t side-eye Britt once in all the years I lived with them. And Britt didn’t know about you and Kari, because if she did, girl code would have had her throwing herself on a sword searching for mercy.”

“Which is why Kari never said anything, I suppose. No point punishing Britt for a crime she didn’t know she committed.”

“Fuckin’ martyrs,” Kane grumbles. “You make the perfect pair.”

“I agree.” I reach out for Billy and smile when Jess hands her over. No delay. No disappointment. Family is family, but a man’s child is a whole other level no one would dare mess with. “We’re perfect together now. Or at least,” I look up when Billy stirs in my arms. Already, Jess turns to prepare a bottle. “Kari is perfect for me. She’s perfect, full stop. Can’t say she got the same kind of luck though, considering she was always carrying us.”

“Stop it.” Jess drops a lump of powder into the bottle and screws the lid on. “She was happy in her marriage, Luc. Stop acting otherwise.”

“She was tolerant of her marriage and accepting of my shortcomings because I loved her, and she was loyal.”

“Bullshit.” She turns from the counter and vigorously shakes the bottle to mix the water and powder. “Stop acting like you made your lives miserable. She adored you, and you adored her.”

“We fought nonstop for the last six months! Because she was begging for me to be home and spend time with her.”

“And you were picking up extra shifts at work, to help pay the utilities and support the babies that were on their way. This isn’t a friggin’ fairytale, Luc. The bills have to be paid, no matter how much you wanted to stay home and snuggle up together. The hospital bills were coming, no matter what, considering you had two on the way and insurance only covers so much.”

“She asked me to help her build the crib.” My words come out harsh, but my hands are gentle as I accept the bottle and bring it to Billy’s plump lips. “She asked me to paint the nursery. Instead, it was her taking care of shit while I was nowhere to be found.”

“You were at work! Sure, maybe hindsight would have you making different choices. Tragedy will make anyone sit back and obsess over the details, desperately searching for a way to change things. But you weren’t screwing off, drinking at the club, and gambling your house away. You were at work, saving every penny so you and Kari could bring the babies home and have one less thing to worry about.”

“Fat load of good that did.” My jaw aches as I clench it tight. As my eyes sting and my nose burns. “I did the work, saved the money, and look at us.” Slowly, I bring my focus up and meet my sister’s eyes. “Billy and I are here all alone. While Kari is…” I draw a shuddering breath and shake my head. “I fucked up, Jess. It’s okay to admit it.”

“You made the best choices you could, using the information you had at the time. No one could have predicted this.” She drags out a chair and brings it closer until the wood hits my knee. But then she sits, blind to the way her daughters cling to her every move. Her every word. “You love your wife, Luc. And you love your children. You were handed a shitty set of cards because someone else chose to drive drunk that day. That’s not your fault.”

“We can deal with that,” Kane adds solemnly. “Ya know… when you’re ready. I’ll ride with you.”

I drop my gaze and exhale a long, weakening breath until my chest caves and practically wraps around the baby. “If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve painted the walls and built the crib.”

“And you would still be here.” Jess sets her hand on my arm and gently squeezes. “Painting the walls wouldn’t have stopped that asshole from getting in his car that day.”

“No.” I study Billy’s long, dark lashes. The curl of her hair, and the smooth sheen of her skin. “But it would have reinforced to Kari that I love and care about her wants.”

“She knew,” Jess groans. “She knows.”

“She shouldn’t have lived a single moment where she questioned it. And being six months pregnant, with twins, and tearing up carpet on your own while the husband you begged to be home by a certain time, wasn’t, was surely one of those moments.”

“You were showing your love in a different way.” She reaches up and swipes a hand over her cheek. “She wanted help with a few chores, you wanted to financially support your family. They’re both acts of love, Luc. They’re just not the same acts.”

“Yeah, well…” I roll my bottom lip between my teeth and lock my feelings back up inside my heart. The way I’ve secured them behind a wall for most of the night. I don’t have time for self-loathing right now. I don’t even have time for regret. My priorities right this moment are to care for Billy and make sure her needs are met. And when it’s time, head back to the hospital to see my wife and son.

“Hindsight,” I finally settle on. “Hindsight can be a nasty, nasty bitch who keeps a man awake at night.” I look down again and watch as Billy glugs her breakfast, swallowing so her throat visibly bobs. “If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently.”

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