Page 31 of Tulips and Lost Time

“It’s my business.”

“It shouldn’t have to be. You’re supposed to just be my brother. The way Luca is just a brother to the twins.”

“Fat load of good that does. His sisters have been voted three years in a row as most likely to go to prison for egging the police station.” He pulls back and looks down into her eyes. “They’re not pillars of society, Kar. They’re the future of America’s Most Wanted billboards.”

“I’m still here, you know?” Pushing away from the garage door, I wander across the yard and approach the base of the halfpipe. “Pretty sure you guys are bitching about my family.”

“It’s okay,” Kari sniffles, pulling back from her brother and wiping her sleeve across her top lip. “They’re my family too. So I’m allowed.”

8

LUC

ALONE NEVER FELT SO PAINFUL

“Itake offense to that entire conversation I never even knew existed before this minute.” Amused, Jess leans against Marcus’ arm and plays with Billy’s hair. “America’s Most Wanted, my ass.”

“I dunno.” Marc grins. “You married Kane Bishop.”

“Stop using my husband as some kind of criminal underworld symbol. He’s former law enforcement! He’s a respectable human being.”

“Former being the operative word. Now he’s the kind of guy the cops come looking for. He’s a thug, Jess. You know that. I know that.” Marc looks over at me. “Luc knows it. That’s why you kept him a secret.”

“I kept him a secret because the sex was good, and I wasn’t ready to share him with my friends yet.”

“Ugh!” I plug my ears, childish and stupid, and look up at the ceiling. “I don’t want to know about my sister’s sex life!”

“Welcome to my fuckin’ world.” Marcus rises from his perch on the chair, drawing my eyes back down as I feel, in my soul, the way Billy is shuffled from one set of arms to another.

I want her back. I want to hold my daughter and return to it just being me and her.

Daddy and his little girl.

Alone, in a world we were never supposed to be alone in.

Marcus hands her off to Jess, but he doesn’t bolt right away. He leans over his niece and places a long, slow kiss to the crown of her head. “Her entire existence is built upon the fact my sister has a sex life.” Shaking his head, he rises and shoots a heated glare my way. “With my best friend. That’s on you, Luca. And I’ll never truly forgive you for it.”

“Yeah, well…” I give up on my dinner. On my generosity of allowing someone else to hold my daughter. I give up on standing so far away. And instead, I push away from the changing table and scoop Billy up before Jess even gets the chance to settle back comfortably. “I don’t know that I’ll ever forgive myself, either. If not for me, we wouldn’t have been in that intersection eleven days ago, and if not for the pregnancy, Kari’s injuries and treatment wouldn’t have been so complicated.” I turn on my heels and stalk toward the door. “That’s all on me.”

“Luca—”

“I’m going to bed,” I call back. Outside Billy’s bedroom door, I bend and scoop up my phone before continuing to the main bedroom. Fuck the crib. Fuck sleeping apart. Fuck the rules and the pamphlet the hospital foisted into my hands about safety and the dangers of co-sleeping.

Fuck it all.

No one will protect Billy the way I will.

“Let yourselves out,” I tell Jess and Marc. “Lock up as you go. I’ll call you tomorrow sometime.”

I kick my shoes off as I walk, exhaustion beating down on my shoulders as though a one-ton anvil literally rests on my back, buckling my spine and making me weak. I close my bedroom door, locking the rest of the world out. Then I wander to my side of the bed, freshly made, though I know Kari and I didn’t make it before heading out that last day. We were in a rush to get somewhere. Bickering, because I’d been working too much and Kari only wanted to spend the weekend locked up together. Curtains drawn. TV on. Just the two of us, the way it’s been for so long.

But no.

“Daddy is an asshole, Bill.” I drag the covers back and place the baby on the mattress. No pillow. No blankets. Nothing that’ll harm her. Then I toss my phone down too, and step back and unsnap my jeans to reveal plain black shorts beneath. “Daddy was so focused on making money and going-going-going, using up every spare second because you and your brother were coming soon. And in the end, I screwed it all up.”

I shuck my jeans away and peel my socks off. Outside the bedroom door, I hear shuffling feet. Hesitant steps. The do-I-or-don’t-I leave Luc here to bathe in his grief alone?

But I don’t go out to discuss it with them.

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