Page 95 of Tulips and Lost Time

“I’m done feeling like the world’s biggest fuck up. I’ve done my time, Bear!” I grab the second box and toss it, too. “You act like I killed your dog. When all I ever did, all I ever wanted, was to protect you! You were a child when you were begging me to kiss you.”

“I was eighteen.”

“You were three minutes past eighteen! Which means three minutes before that, you were a fucking child. Maybe the law is black and white on that stuff, but as a man who was guarding your heart, I knew you still had a world of growing up to do. Turning eighteen doesn’t magically flip a switch in your brain and make you all-knowing.”

“You rejected me!”

“I sent you away to college.” I stalk forward until our chests clash and her body scrambles back in response. She hits the shelf with a grunt and looks around wildly in search of escape. “Your brother is my best friend, Kari. So forgive me for putting everyone else’s happiness and well-being ahead of my own.”

“You don’t get to decide what is best for everyone else!” Finally, she snaps back and starts our war. It’s happening now. In this storeroom. And in twenty-eight more minutes, we’ll come out with a new understanding, for better or for worse. “You don’t get that kind of power, Luc!”

“If I was acting only for me,” I lean into her, sneering in a way I never would have believed I was capable of. “If I was only looking out for me, I’d have fucked you a long time ago.”

Her lips twist into a rage-filled sneer. “Pig.”

“Honest. If I didn’t worry about your well-being, and about Marcus’ approval, then I’d have fucked you way back when you were eighteen and begging for me. I could have claimed you for myself, Bear. Kept you in town. Married you up and gotten everything I ever wanted. Instead, I sacrificed six fucking years without you. Six years!”

“Oh sure,” she seethes. “And you were sooooo lonely during those six years. Britt wasn’t the only casual encounter you had, Luca!”

“And as far as I was aware, you had a live-in, ten-inch cock filling you up on a daily basis. I thought I lost you! I thought we were done, so yeah, I dated. I went out and met other women. I’m not a fucking monster for living, Kari.”

“You—”

“The alternative felt like death. I thought everything we’d ever had was dead. Not just the romance. Not just the heat. All of it.” I press my hand to her chest. Not copping a feel. But pinning her. It’s the best I can offer, considering my hand tingles to wrap around her throat instead. “I thought we’d lost a lifetime of friendship, too. A lifetime of growing up together. I thought it was all gone, and you were out there shacking up with a dude. So don’t come for me just because I casually dated for those years you didn’t exist in my life.”

“You could have had me.” Her jaw trembles. Her lips quiver to the same beat as the tears in her eyes. “Six years ago, you could have had me. I would have loved you forever, and I would have experienced my college years with you. You chose for us, Luca! And that wasn’t fair.”

“I chose because you weren’t capable of making sound decisions!”

“An opinion,” she growls. “That’s your opinion, and it is not rooted in fact. Now, because of you, we’ll never truly know what we could have been.”

“We will know!” I duck my head low, but stop with an inch between her lips and mine. Her frantic breath on my tongue. “We will know, Kari. Because I’m not walking away while you ride your self-righteous pony into the sunset. You’re holding on to all that mad because I said no six years ago. Six fucking years, you’ve held on to a grudge, and every time I stepped even an inch out of line, you added that infraction to your list of justifications and continued on with your mission to hate me. All because I said no.”

“You fucked my best friend!”

“And you fucked Ten, daily, in the apartment I helped pay for.”

“I never fucked him! We were never in a relationship. You’ve taken one tiny scrap of information and…” Her words trail off, her eyes widening when my lips curl into a victorious smile. “You asshole.”

“You admit to being single.” I slide my hand a little higher on her chest. Up, until I feel her pulse under my palm. “That’s one. Now admit to being head over heels fucked up and in love with me.”

She clamps her lips shut and glares straight into my eyes, defiant and stubborn. “No.”

“Because I’m in love with you.” I stroke the hollow at the base of her neck and lean a little closer. “I’m sorry we’ve both suffered these last six years. And I’m sorry we’ll continue to suffer once Marc finds out about us. He says these decisions are yours to make, but I know he won’t understand us. He won’t accept it easily. But I’m done putting him ahead of us. And I’m done using your age and life experience as an excuse.”

“So you admit your reasoning was a load of shit?”

“No. I admit to doing the very fucking best I could within the circumstances we were in. Back then, you were practically a child who needed protection. Now…” I press my forehead to hers and suck down every breath she exhales, “you’re a grown woman. Whatever your choices are now, they’re yours to own. If we end up together and you regret it, then that’s a choice you will have made with both eyes open.”

“And if we don’t end up together? If that’s what I choose?”

“Then I guess you fuck things up for both of us. But,” I trace the bridge of her nose with the tip of mine, “I’m done tiptoeing around you and your feelings. Bad shit happened. We were both hurt by it. I get it,” I groan. “We were both hurt. Now I’m just a man, Bear, begging you to step down off your soapbox and give us a try. If we attempt this and it all fizzles out, then we can do that together, as mature grown-ups who can still be friends afterwards. But not even trying…” I roll my forehead over hers. “Not even trying will be the biggest mistake either of us ever make.”

“So we just…” Her voice crackles; pain, or passion? Fear, or perhaps, curiosity. “We decide to ignore the bad, like it never happened?”

“We grow from it. We take those lessons and make damn sure not to repeat them. I’m done apologizing for loving you, Kari. And I’m done letting you be too afraid to even try.”

“We could be celebrating six years together by now.” Her eyes dance with unshed tears, flickering between mine. “We could have been together this whole time.”

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