Page 126 of Tulips and Lost Time

“And hindsight is always gonna kick a man when he’s down. You wanted to set things up so you could stay home for a bit with Kari and the babies. That’s not something to be ashamed of.”

“Coveting money when we were already comfortable is shameful.” I turn my Coke on the table and hold my temper before it explodes. Before Jess comes running, on a mission to save the fucking day. “We’re still selling music, Bish. We have passive income. The hospital is not the only injection we have into our bank accounts, but still, I chose to work. When she asked me to help set up the nursery, it was always, ‘next weekend’. Always, ‘when I get a second’.”

“Dude—”

“It was never, ‘sure, babe! Let me fulfill those promises I made to you on our wedding day!’ Why was I so fucking busy when all I’ve ever wanted was more time with her? We’d lost so much of it already, and here I was, staring down the barrel of two kids and the very life I always wanted. And what? I was too busy to be around?”

“You were future proofing your life.” He leans onto the table and stares into my eyes. “You know me, Luc. You know I’m the last guy on this earth who will blow hot air up another’s ass just to save his feelings. I’m not the ass patting, there there kind. But I’m sitting here now anyway, telling you that you did what you thought was right. You do not deserve more punishment than you’re already suffering.”

“We argued that day in the car.” I choke out a sobbing breath and lock it all down. I still my lungs and firm my jaw. I think back to twelve days ago, the sun beating down on us and reflecting off the car’s windows. Kari was almost full term and ready to pop. In pain every fucking step she took because she’s so small, and she had two of my babies in her belly. “She only wanted time with me, Bish. She wanted to enjoy our last couple of weeks where it was just us, because although we both fought for those babies, although we both wanted them, we still wanted us, too. I actually like spending time with my wife, man. But the currency she wanted to trade in was time, and I was dealing only in money.”

“That asshole shouldn’t have been on the road.” Kane sneers, his lip curling into a dangerous curve. “If he didn’t make those choices that day, then he wouldn’t have run that red and hit you. He is the reason your car was totaled, and he’s the reason Kari’s pregnancy ended the way it did. Fuck, Luc. He did this. Not you.”

“And yet, here I am, broiling in the consequences of getting into the car that day.” I sniffle and look up to meet his almost black eyes. “She wanted to stay home, ya know? She wanted to stay in our room where the ceiling was made of stars and watch a movie. Lay on the bed and just… be. Us. She wanted to close the windows and lock the doors. Shut the world out. Her request was so fucking simple. So pure and sweet. And I chose, instead, to head out. Drag her along somewhere she didn’t even wanna go.” I pull my bottom lip between my teeth and bite down just hard enough to distract my brain from the ache in my heart. “So don’t sit there and tell me I’m innocent in all this. Don’t pat my back and make me out to be some hero, all because I chose work over her. I chose comfort over love.”

“You chose those things for love,” he snarls. “You weren’t saving up for a singles trip to Bali, stupid. You weren’t putting that cash in the slot machines or drinking your way to oblivion. You wanted to make a good life for your family, so stop with the woe is me and harden the fuck up. I will die on this hill and defend you until my last breath. Because you sure as hell seem to have given up on defending yourself. And you still have a family to take care of. Quit the shit and get back to work.”

42

LUC

THE CHOICES WE MAKE

“Can’t we just stay home?” Kari is stunning, her eight-month belly exiting the house a whole step before the woman herself. An inch of her stomach shows because even her maternity clothes struggle to cover her bulging bump. And her feet, already, are red and swollen despite being on them for only minutes. She sweats because it’s warm out, and her hair seems to have grown during pregnancy.

But fuck, she’s beautiful.

They say pregnant women glow. It’s a cliché, after all.

But I’ll be damned if it isn’t fact in Kari’s case. Her skin is clear, her freckles, like stars. Her eyes glitter with something playful. Something fun, even though she’s tired and begging to stay home.

“We could watch any of the movies you want to watch,” she pleads. “Even Top Gun, I suppose. If you feel really strongly about it.”

“I just wanna go to the hardware store real quick.” I beep the car unlocked but drop the keys into my pockets and head back to the front door. Taking her hands, I help her down the steps and onto the path I long ago transformed from overgrown weeds and cement leftovers, into something a little more functional. Steppingstones. Pebbles. And on either side, luscious grass. “I wanna check out the fencing options so we can get the yard taken care of.”

“We don’t need a fence,” she grumbles. But she walks. She clutches to my arms and allows me to lead her. “Our property backs into the trees, Luc. Let them be the fence.”

“Cute. Until a fuckin’ bear takes one of the babies while we’re not watching.” I shuffle her toward the car and around to the passenger door. Then helping her in, I crouch and lift her legs, smiling when she huffs and looks across, fatigued as though she’s just run a marathon. “You’re beautiful, by the way.”

“You’re a pain in my ass. I’m sweating like a pig, my feet hurt, I’m really hungry, but I don’t want to eat anything, and Twin A is about to get her ass grounded.” Hissing, she reaches down and presses her palm to her belly when a leg—or foot, maybe. Perhaps a knee or shoulder—distorts the skin and brings pain to the woman I swore to always protect. “She’s feeling fussy and it’s making it hard to breathe.”

“We really should come up with better names than Twin A and Twin B, huh?” I dive in and press a kiss to her forehead. Then I snag the seatbelt and hand it over so she can fix the latch. Closing the door, I skip around to my side and slide in. Far quicker than Kari. Way less puffing and wheezing.

Yeah. I owe her for life. I know.

“We’ll be quick, I promise.” I insert the key into the ignition and quickly start the car before she manages to escape. I want to go to the store. But I want to be with her too. Which means she has to come. She has to be here with me. “We’ll be an hour, tops. I’ll take you to lunch after. Then we can come home and watch something Hugh Grant starred in.” I glance over and smile. “Deal?”

She rolls her eyes and looks at the road as I pull out of our driveway and onto the street. “I like the name Billy, but for a girl.”

“After your dad?” I settle back as we cruise along the road. Not too fast. Not too slow. We’re in no particular rush, except to get back and watch movies. “Your dad was Bill.”

“William,” she sighs. “Which turned to Bill. I feel like, since this baby is bigger than her brother already, and my dad was a really tall guy, she could be Billy too. A kind of homage.” Insecure, she peeks from the corner of her eyes and studies me. “Does that sound okay? Do you have other suggestions?”

“Billy works just fine for me.” I reach across and set my hand on her thigh. So tiny compared to the size of her belly. “Billy is a cute name I can totally get on board with for a girl. What about our son?”

“Do you have a preference?” She nibbles on her bottom lip and studies me. “I named one, so maybe you can name the other.”

“Your mom’s name was Rose.”

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