Page 38 of The Promise

I want to respond. I want to tell her I fucking love her and my heart is aching. I want to tell her that I need her here with me and that I want her to hold my hand, as I walk into this horrific situation that waits for me. But I don’t, instead I send a simple emoji. The red heart pumps on the screen at me, before I shove my phone into my hoodie pocket and take the lift to the fourth floor.

Chapter 27

Kyle

My fist lands against the wooden door of room 38, so lightly you can barely hear it. I guess that’s kind of the point, maybe I can sneak away without my mum knowing I'm here, all the while being able to say I tried. But I'm not a chicken and I still feel a strong sense of responsibility to check on her, to make sure she really is ok and maybe my presence can make her feel even a tiny bit better. She did ask for me after all, she must care more than she lets on, otherwise she wouldn’t have wanted me here.

A muffled croak comes through the door. “Come in,”

I push it open tentatively, to see a shrivelled up woman laying on the bed in the centre of the room. The harsh lighting and medicinal smell hit me like a bulldozer and I feel momentarily nauseous.

“Hi Mum, how are you doing?” I say quietly and she hits me with an eye roll.

“How do you think I'm doing? Imprisoned in this place and now get this,” she taps my arm as I sit down in the chair beside her bed. “They want me to go to rehab.” She scoffs, a boney arm coming up to scratch the cheek that’s covered in red blisters. “They’re fucking crazy if they think they can make me go to that hell hole again.”

I shuffle uncomfortably in the hard chair. “They can, make you though… can’t they?”

Her eyes dart up to mine, blazing a fire into my chest. “You’re not going to let them, are you Kyle? You’re going to get me out of this shit hole.” Her menacing tone makes me shiver a little, this skinny, haggard woman in front of me looking more like a stranger than ever. I have no idea why I let her speak to me the way she does, use me and call on me only when she needs something. But I guess I'm a little scared of her, her sharp tongue and her even sharper manipulation skills. She knows how to make me feel sorry for her, but I think the very thin twig that’s been holding our relationship together is about to snap. Having carried so much weight for years, it’s had about enough. So have I, being treated like shit by the woman who is supposed to put me first, has finally taken it’s toll. And for the first time in my life, I'm ready to say the one word I’ve always avoided saying to her. “No,” I spit, standing to my feet. “I’m not getting you out of here and I'm not stopping them from taking you to rehab. You need to get better Mum and that’s not going to happen if I keep letting you push me around all the time. You manipulate me into feeling sorry for you, when it’s your own fault that you’re in here!” My voice has risen an entire octave now, echoing around the tiny, white room. My mum’s face twists into a vicious scowl as she tries to sit up. Her body is weak, weathered from the years of drug abuse, but she still manages to scrunch her face up into a menacing expression that thins my blood.

“You never were a good son, even as a kid. You’ve always been a useless, fucking waste of space.” She spits her venomous words at me, and it’s in that moment that the cracks in my heart fuse. My mind journeys back to Molly, who will be sitting at home right now, likely worrying about me. There’s a person who really cares about me, about every tiny detail of my life and she does everything she can to maintain my happiness. Not that she needs to try, when I'm around her I'm totally high, addicted to her brightness and excitable puppy energy. She sees the good in everyone and everything. Her glass is always half full and there’s never a moment that I spend with her, where I doubt for a second how fucking amazing she is and how much peace she’s brought into my life.

The woman in front of me now is like a storm cloud, drowning everyone who comes within a mile of her in her depressive energy and negative attitude. Someone needs to burst that fucking cloud and let her drown in her own mistakes. I might just do that right now.

I look at her for a lingering moment, studying her face. “Do you know what Mum?” I blow out a breath, one that makes my lungs feel fucking fantastic, free, open for the first time. “I’m done, with this, with you, with all of it.” I turn to leave and when I get to the door I pause, craning my neck to face her one more time. “Don’t contact me again…ever.”

“Kyle! Don’t you fucking walk away from me!” She yells as I stride down the hallway, away from her abuse, away from her negativity and her vile mouth. I feel lighter without her already, but the crushing weight of what I’ve just done lingers in my chest, in my heart. The woman that gave me life, actually took most of it away from me, leaving me an empty shell of a man who had no idea what love really was. Until I met Molly of course. The girl who showed me what it means to be totally yourself, to be unapologetically positive and to see the good in things, even when you have to dig deep. She lights up my entire life like no one ever has and all the light that my mum took from me was replaced by my girl. She came into my life and set me on fire, brought me back to life.

I get into my car, turning on the cold air and feeling a single icy tear run down my face as I pull out of the car park. I know what I’ve done is for the best, cutting my mum out of my life and not letting her steal any more happiness from me is something I can’t imagine coming to regret any time soon. But she is my mum and there’s a tiny hole in my chest where she once was, that will need a bit of time to close up again. I know Molly will help me with that and she’s the only person I want to be around right now. I need her to hold me, crush me with her comforting smell and soft fingers in my hair. I just need to sit in this pain for a while, soaking it up and I need her to hold my hand whilst I do it.

When I eventually get to her dorm, the sun is starting to set and the clouds are looming grey. Kind of like my mood when I head up the stairs towards her door, landing a fist against it and waiting. Sean's face is the first one I see when the door cracks open. His eyebrows shoot up into his hairline when he notices the dried up path of tears that meander down my cheeks, caused by my silent sobs on the way over here.

“You ok man? You look upset.” He says, laying a comforting hand on my shoulder.

I shake my head, swallowing the threat of more tears and scanning the living room for my ray of sunshine. God, I think I need her more right now than I ever have.

“Where’s Molly?” I stammer, my eyes flicking around the room. The panic builds the longer I look because I can’t fucking see her.

Sean pats my shoulder. “She’s gone out for a run, she won’t be long though, don’t worry.”

“No, I need her, now, I need her.” I push my fingers into my temple, the headache tightening the longer she’s not here.

“Ok, ok, hold on, I’ll call her.” Sean gives my shoulder a squeeze, confused gaze landing on me as he speaks quietly into the receiver. Meanwhile, I'm a fucking mess, pacing back and forth, hands tugging at the roots of my hair as I wait for her to come back.

It feels like hours, but I'm pretty sure it’s merely minutes before Molly barrels through the front door, her braid swaying, sweat sticking tiny hairs to her face. Her bellybutton gem sparkles in the light, her stomach muscles contracting as she pants with each breath, but I can’t focus on her heavenly body like I normally can.

Her eyes land on mine and her face softens into a worried frown. “Hey, what the hell happened?” She coos, bright gaze tracing the corners of my mouth as they slope downwards.

“I’m done with my mum, I told her I'm done with her, for good this time.” I blubber, the tears escaping and Molly’s face crumbles with mine. “Come here Ky,” she holds out her arms to me and I take two huge steps into her. I haul her up to my waist and grip her body so tightly to mine, that I worry she can’t draw in a breath. I sob quietly into her neck, drinking in her scent and begging it to soothe me, which it does.

After a few minutes of her whispered, “It’s ok, I'm here,” right into my ear, my tears stop their attack. I let her slide down my body and land back on her feet. Molly swipes a thumb across each of my cheeks, mopping up the mess my tears have made and dropping a soft kiss to my parted lips. She slips a hand into mine and leads me to her bedroom, past an open mouthed Sean and a shiny eyed Callie, who hover in the kitchen.

Molly closes the bedroom door behind us and pulls me down to sit on the edge of her mattress. “So, what the fuck happened with your mum today to make you so upset?”

I swing my legs up onto the bed, laying my head in her lap. “I got a call from the hospital, saying she had overdosed on heroine.”

“Jesus,” Molly mutters, lacing a handful of fingers through my hair. “So what happened?”

“She was asking for me, so I thought maybe she wanted some comfort or something.” I sigh hard, gazing up at the girl who owns me. “But she didn’t, obviously, she just wanted me to get her out of there so she didn’t have to go to rehab again.” Molly’s small hand cups my cheek, as I slap a frustrated hand to my forehead. “I’m so fucking stupid for even going there in the first place, for thinking maybe she’d changed.”

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